New Marriage--He wants out
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Old 04-28-2012, 06:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New Marriage--He wants out

Here is the breakdown: We got together at 19 and 20. Both were each others first love. No other partners. Lived together consistently for 5 years. Were engaged for 2 yrs before we got married. Got married on 6 yr anniversary--That was 5 mths ago....so 5 months into marriege he comes home and literally out of nowhere says "im done, i want out, i dont love you, i want you to hate me." Tells me he needs "time and space" and "once hes pushed to his breaking point he cant go back."

I refused to allow myself to be angry. I thought I could LOVE this away, I dont want to reject him...(which is ALL he has EVER known). Needless to say the pain is gut wrenching but the more I seek God the better I am. I recently cut off allllll communication with him and have almost everything out of our home. (I left cause he is the breadwinner)....Needless to say the process has been draining. Any advice out there--women or men? I dont understand how he just woke up and "felt this." No drug addictions, use, or affairs on either part. No signs either...just out of the blue...im thinking we are GREAT and apparently I was WAY WRONG!

I feel like my heart got hit by a drunk driver. Everything ripped from me in the matter of a day. Any words of encouragement or anyone whos been through something similar?

Thanks!
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Old 04-28-2012, 10:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Marriage--He wants out

I'm just past week 4 of my deal. My wife of 7 years, together for 14 basically did the same thing but we have 2 little kids together.

She said it has been bad for a long time but I didn't see this coming at all. Now as I look back I can see issues but nothing worth throwing our lives away. My wife has been with other men and such recently. I was clueless. Even though you don't think your husband has cheated there must be more to the story. If he was happy he wouldn't leave.

Sorry I can't be of more help, Like I said I'm only just past week 4.

At least you have God, with him all is possible. Keep the faith, if your marriage does end God will still be there. I'll pray for you.
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Old 04-28-2012, 10:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Marriage--He wants out

ibelieve,
Why is he doing this? What is he unhappy about? What is he claiming you did to push him to the breaking point?

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Originally Posted by ibelieve View Post
Here is the breakdown: We got together at 19 and 20. Both were each others first love. No other partners. Lived together consistently for 5 years. Were engaged for 2 yrs before we got married. Got married on 6 yr anniversary--That was 5 mths ago....so 5 months into marriege he comes home and literally out of nowhere says "im done, i want out, i dont love you, i want you to hate me." Tells me he needs "time and space" and "once hes pushed to his breaking point he cant go back."

I refused to allow myself to be angry. I thought I could LOVE this away, I dont want to reject him...(which is ALL he has EVER known). Needless to say the pain is gut wrenching but the more I seek God the better I am. I recently cut off allllll communication with him and have almost everything out of our home. (I left cause he is the breadwinner)....Needless to say the process has been draining. Any advice out there--women or men? I dont understand how he just woke up and "felt this." No drug addictions, use, or affairs on either part. No signs either...just out of the blue...im thinking we are GREAT and apparently I was WAY WRONG!

I feel like my heart got hit by a drunk driver. Everything ripped from me in the matter of a day. Any words of encouragement or anyone whos been through something similar?

Thanks!
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Old 04-29-2012, 12:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Marriage--He wants out

Mem11613--he claims I did not cook or clean enough, and although we had great sex, i didnt initiate it..which bothered him. Also, he said that since we got married "i got worse"....he has not taken responsibility for anything or any part of the "demise" of our marriage other than he did not communicate with me how he felt. He said he waited until he dreaded coming home and had thoughts of moving out before he told me anything. Other than that, he has not communicated anything to me. When I try to talk to him he pushes me away 10 times harder. I finally just gave up and havent contacted him at all in 3 days. I am at a loss. Oh and he brought up me leaving him like 3 years ago "cut him deep." I left for like 1 day and have never left since AND i was at my Best friends house--he had even came there, which is where we reconciled. None of this makes any sense.
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Old 04-29-2012, 12:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I know there is more but he REFUSES to communicate with me...therefore I am left with a million questions and no answers. Anytime I try to talk he shuts down completely. Last time I saw him he would not even look at me. However, he is supporting me financially. Makes no sense!
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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The part where you said he "wants you to hate him" really stuck out to me.. Are you sure there is no affair? That screams guilty conscience to me. Maybe he feels terrible for something he's done and now he's projecting his feelings onto you.
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Old 04-29-2012, 05:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Onehotmama--I dont believe so. I have checked his phone records...nothing suspicious at all. He said that he wants me to "subconciously hate him b/c it will be easier for me to move on." I think its a copout and if I hate him I will cease communication with him and then he doesnt have to face anything, which is what he has done his whole life. He doesnt deal with anything, he just stuffs it inside. The one thing I will tell you is that he got a job at a bar and once January came, he started changing--losing weight, becoming disconnected. If he has met someone it is at the bar and it is confined to the bar...Like I said he swears its no one else but that he "found his voice and can assert himself at the bar." I personally think drunk girls are giving him googly eyes and he has either met or wants to meet someone at the bar. I am guessing he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. The only way for him to not be the bad guy is to blame everything on me and get a divorce. I know, pathetic right. He was my knight in shining armour for years...never gave me reasons to doubt him and now I dont know him at all.
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Old 04-29-2012, 08:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ibelieve View Post
Onehotmama--I dont believe so. I have checked his phone records...nothing suspicious at all. He said that he wants me to "subconciously hate him b/c it will be easier for me to move on." I think its a copout and if I hate him I will cease communication with him and then he doesnt have to face anything, which is what he has done his whole life. He doesnt deal with anything, he just stuffs it inside. The one thing I will tell you is that he got a job at a bar and once January came, he started changing--losing weight, becoming disconnected. If he has met someone it is at the bar and it is confined to the bar...Like I said he swears its no one else but that he "found his voice and can assert himself at the bar." I personally think drunk girls are giving him googly eyes and he has either met or wants to meet someone at the bar. I am guessing he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. The only way for him to not be the bad guy is to blame everything on me and get a divorce. I know, pathetic right. He was my knight in shining armour for years...never gave me reasons to doubt him and now I dont know him at all.
Sounds like you have come up with some very possible reasons for his sudden need to escape. If he is this dumb, stubborn and adamant about ending the marriage then there is nothing you can do. I do understand your need for answers as it will give you closure and help with any future relationships.

But did you really leave the residence? If he wants out, then he should go and you need to get selfish and start using his money to take care of yourself. Get thee to a lawyer ASAP btw..
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Old 04-29-2012, 08:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Marriage--He wants out

I'm not trying to hurt you but everything you describe of him screams affair. Can you check bank records to see if he is using a debit card/credit card to purchase minutes for a cell phone that's not on a cellular plan?
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Old 04-29-2012, 08:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm not trying to hurt you but everything you describe of him screams affair. Can you check bank records to see if he is using a debit card/credit card to purchase minutes for a cell phone that's not on a cellular plan?
Most likely jeepgal is correct. Thankfully there are no kids involved. Please find your friends and/or family so that you can get support.
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Marriage--He wants out

I'd bet big money that there is someone else from the bar.

In your situation I'd let him go if he wants out so badly. Tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass!

You can do better than him.
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Old 04-29-2012, 10:08 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm not trying to hurt you but everything you describe of him screams affair.
Agreed.
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Old 04-30-2012, 01:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: New Marriage--He wants out

It sounds to me like he is passive-aggressive.

I've been reading a book titled "Living with the passive-aggressive man" by Scott Wetzler. This is not just about men, but how to recognize, understand, and deal with people with this trait.

From the sounds of it, I don't think it is necessarily an affair (maybe greener pastures are calling his name), but he is sending you on a guilt trip to excuse himself of any mental burden.

Has he been direct on what is bothering him, or is it that he just wants out? If the latter, I'd say pack your bags, look for a support system, and don't look back. He is disrespecting you, but he may hold on to some resentment from the past. Do you really want to live with all this baggage? Or do you think you can resolve the situation with professional help (counselors)?
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