It has been quite a week.
I refinanced my house. It is now in my name. I own it.
The separation agreement is FINALLY signed and notarized.
Everything is moving right along. Now, all I have to do is wait until October rolls around and I can finally finalize this divorce.
At the beginning of this week, I was so full of anticipation and eagerness to finally put all this stuff behind me...but,now,well...
Things are just hard. THIS IS HARD.
My ex-husband was particularly disrespectful to me this week, and he made some pretty rude comments to me...he wrote me a pretty rude email earlier in the week, and it got under my skin--more than I would have liked it to.
He threatened to withhold the money he owes me for his car until after our divorce is finalized. He knows that I NEED that money because I desperately need to buy another car. My car is on its last leg, and I need reliable transportation for my son and I. (He has a brand new luxury sedan---I have an 11 year old beat-up tiny SUV that is barely starting).
He later apologized for his rudeness and snarky comments....he chalked it up to a change in medication.
I wrote him an email on Thursday telling him that I just need consistency from him. I told him that I am not intentionally being rude or spiteful to him--I am just indifferent to him at this point. All I need is consistency from him and upfrontness. If he says he is going to give me the money for a car this summer, then I expect him to follow through on that. If not, then he needs to tell me so that I can make other arrangements. I just should not have to deal with threats from him.
He finally responded today, and said that he is battling a depressive episode and he has a recent change in his medication. He said that he is just now realizing everything he gave up when he made the decision to end our marriage--he is mostly talking about our son (not me).
He said he was upset because he envisioned our relationship "evolving" throughout this process--not ending completely. It boils down to this:
He wants me to still be his friend.
For the past few months, I have been ignoring him--not contacting him unless absolutely necessary. He says he has noticed my indifference and that it hurts him. He says that he is just now realizing what he has done and what he has given up. He says he has been in denial, but he now "understands how permanently and completely he destroyed our relationship"
What the flubnub?!
I don't know what any of this really means, and I don't quite know how to respond.
I thought I was just moving on with my life. He made all these decisions, I beeeeggggggged him to stay and work on our marriage. Oh my gosh, I laid my heart out there!
Then, finally, the moment when I have finally moved on and made an independent life for myself, he throws me through this loop.
I know that his message has very little to do with me. He is mostly regretful because he is missing out on so much of our son's life because of his decisions.
I know that he doesn't really love me.
But, he still knows how to tug at my heart-strings.....and that sucks..I hate that I still care about him....I hate that I still ache when I know he is struggling. I don't know what I would do if I was in his position..I couldn't bare to only see our son 25% of the time. It kills me to give him up every other weekend.....but, then, I need to remind myself that this was my ex-husband's decision. This was completely his choice. This is what he wanted so badly. He was told what the consequences would be by several people.
A good friend told me that I should chalk up this message to a "temporary heart-churner. Know it hurts, but it'll fade."
Should I let it fade? Should I do something about it?...Is there even something I could possibly do about this? What is the "right" this to do?
....Now, where did I put that indifference? ......I need to find it again....