cantmove

Thank you jpr. All of our spouses missed out on what yesterday could have been. I know that all of us will come out the other side of this ok but when I think of our children I just want to scream or actually I want to line them all up and let Bandit kick some a$$. And then I want to come behind him and slap the smug right off all of their faces. Too much??

I'm so sorry about today. They will never get it. They live a life of delusion and they have no clue what they've done nor what real love is and they never will. They almost deserve pity for the unfulfilled lives they will always lead. ALMOST

I'm praying for us all.

MyselfAgain

Not too much -- could I hire you and bandit to do that? Please?!

jpr

...sigh....


It has been quite a week.

....sigh.....

I refinanced my house. It is now in my name. I own it.

The separation agreement is FINALLY signed and notarized.

Everything is moving right along. Now, all I have to do is wait until October rolls around and I can finally finalize this divorce.

At the beginning of this week, I was so full of anticipation and eagerness to finally put all this stuff behind me...but,now,well...

....sigh.....

Things are just hard. THIS IS HARD.

My ex-husband was particularly disrespectful to me this week, and he made some pretty rude comments to me...he wrote me a pretty rude email earlier in the week, and it got under my skin--more than I would have liked it to.

He threatened to withhold the money he owes me for his car until after our divorce is finalized. He knows that I NEED that money because I desperately need to buy another car. My car is on its last leg, and I need reliable transportation for my son and I. (He has a brand new luxury sedan---I have an 11 year old beat-up tiny SUV that is barely starting).

He later apologized for his rudeness and snarky comments....he chalked it up to a change in medication.

I wrote him an email on Thursday telling him that I just need consistency from him. I told him that I am not intentionally being rude or spiteful to him--I am just indifferent to him at this point. All I need is consistency from him and upfrontness. If he says he is going to give me the money for a car this summer, then I expect him to follow through on that. If not, then he needs to tell me so that I can make other arrangements. I just should not have to deal with threats from him.

He finally responded today, and said that he is battling a depressive episode and he has a recent change in his medication. He said that he is just now realizing everything he gave up when he made the decision to end our marriage--he is mostly talking about our son (not me).

He said he was upset because he envisioned our relationship "evolving" throughout this process--not ending completely. It boils down to this:

He wants me to still be his friend.

For the past few months, I have been ignoring him--not contacting him unless absolutely necessary. He says he has noticed my indifference and that it hurts him. He says that he is just now realizing what he has done and what he has given up. He says he has been in denial, but he now "understands how permanently and completely he destroyed our relationship"



What the flubnub?!



Dude.


ugh.

I don't know what any of this really means, and I don't quite know how to respond.

I thought I was just moving on with my life. He made all these decisions, I beeeeggggggged him to stay and work on our marriage. Oh my gosh, I laid my heart out there!

Then, finally, the moment when I have finally moved on and made an independent life for myself, he throws me through this loop.



I know that his message has very little to do with me. He is mostly regretful because he is missing out on so much of our son's life because of his decisions.

I know that he doesn't really love me.


But, he still knows how to tug at my heart-strings.....and that sucks..I hate that I still care about him....I hate that I still ache when I know he is struggling. I don't know what I would do if I was in his position..I couldn't bare to only see our son 25% of the time. It kills me to give him up every other weekend.....but, then, I need to remind myself that this was my ex-husband's decision. This was completely his choice. This is what he wanted so badly. He was told what the consequences would be by several people.




A good friend told me that I should chalk up this message to a "temporary heart-churner. Know it hurts, but it'll fade." (canguy)

Should I let it fade? Should I do something about it?...Is there even something I could possibly do about this? What is the "right" this to do?

ugh.


....Now, where did I put that indifference? ......I need to find it again....

MyselfAgain

Sweetie, you care about him and find it difficult not to want to help. Like so many of us, you are a fixer, and deep down you know that he is probably just feeling guilty and taking it out on you so he doesn't have to blame himself. It isn't easy, I too am wavering a bit tonight, feeling like maybe I didn't do enough to help my stbxh with the personality disorder I am now convinced he has. But we have to be strong together, and know that there are guys out there who are emotionally mature and will treat us like the godesses we are. Hugs!
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unsure78

oh jpr thats sucks i wish i could give you some good advice, but i the dumb a@@ who let their ex husband move back in after the divorce is finalized- so cant help you. all i can say is that you will make the right decision for you- you are a smart woman jpr, i certainty understand the pull of having your family togther but just be careful- thinking of you tonight
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jpr

Thanks, Myself....
..I am waivering....and I do feel guilty sometimes.

He does have a personality disorder (...or something...) There is something wrong wth his brain.

I gave and I gave and I gave ....and I loved and I loved and I loved ...until it just wasn't worth it anymore.

But, now I feel guilty for "giving up". Blah.
...even though I know that he doesn't want ME back.

I still feel poopy that he is hurting.

blah.
blah.

MyselfAgain

That's because you love unconditionally...a beautiful, precious gift which you will be free to give again someday...to someone prepared to appreciate it.
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jpr

Thank you for this.

I need to remember this.

My counselor said that same thing.

jpr

Thanks, Unsure.

You have such a good heart!...it comes through in all of your posts.

<3

...that is why you let your ex come back to your house. You are just so kind.

I worry about you too,though. You deserve so much more.

I hope that you are continuing to get out there and date.

I am soooooooo looking forward to you posting more "adventures".

canguy66

Very true, and you will. Imagine what a future relationship will be like with someone who can return your love, respect you and your son, treat you with kindness, be a best friend... that can and will happen, eventually. You have something and someone to look forward to, and that's exciting, isn't it?

As for your ex, when someone shows you the way they are, believe them. Keep your fixer tendencies in check. You want someone who doesn't need or want to be fixed. There are guys like that out there.

I've shared more in a PM, so I will leave it at that for now.

jpr, you're an amazing woman. You deserve better.

__________________
“The sun always rises, and you never know what the tide will bring in.” - from Cast Away

jpr

Oooooh, Canguy. You always know the right thing to say.

Thanks.

You're the greatest.

angelpixie

As I've mentioned before, jpr, your ex and my ex seem to have several things in common. It seems pretty definite that my ex has some kind of personality disorder, too. Both of them are pretty narcissistic at any rate. Part of a narcissistic personality disorder is the push and pull with the person they were idealizing (most often a spouse or SO). They never saw us as real people, just a source of whatever it is they needed to feel better about themselves. Psychologists refer to us as 'supply.' When we do a 180 or move on, and stop giving them supply, they may find another source (or sometimes they dump us when they're sure they've got a replacement lined up). If that starts to get rocky for them, they come back to the person they threw away, and try to reel them back in. They act guilty, express regret, etc. BUT unless and until you know they've been through extensive really in-depth therapy to uncover what is inside of them, and to face all of the nasty stuff they did to people, THEY CANNOT CHANGE. That is the hardest part for people like us to understand. They can change, but it takes way more than medication to do it. It takes a really strong desire and a lot of follow-through. Unfortunately, people with PDs seldom have that, according to the literature I've been reading.

It's not that change is impossible or totally unlikely for either of our exes, but the odds aren't good. Thinking that everyone else is the problem keeps people with PDs from getting precisely the help they need. I know what you're going through. When my ex is going through a really hard time, I still find myself jumping right in there, looking up meds, helping him with transitioning from my insurance to state insurance, etc., as if the need to change is my fault. Then it hits me that this is only happening because he wanted to split! But it's so easy for the guilt to come up and take over.

We have to remember that we have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. You are a very kind-hearted person, jpr, so I know this has to hurt you a lot. It's amazing how much you've handled. Your strength is probably very attractive to him, too. It is probably reminding him of what he found attractive about you in the first place. But he is no different than that man who left, no matter what he is saying at this point.

Stay strong. He probably is referring to you and not just your son. When things go bad for guys like them, they do tend to remember the person who took care of them. It always makes me wonder: why aren't they now turning to the OW, who is so much better than we are in every other way? Why aren't they taking their problems to her? Makes me feel like they know deep down inside that the OW isn't that great in reality. That she wouldn't stand by them if she had to deal with 1/10 of what we did.

__________________
Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. -- Rumi

Lifescript

JPR,

I agree w/ angelpixie. I think his words come from not only missing your son but you as well (realizing he has lost a great woman). Perhaps his narcissistic personality won't allow him to admit to you that's what he's feeling but I think is exactly that.

It's so difficult when going through a situation like this with a person one suspects has a personality disorder. I'm going through it w/ STBXW who I suspect has BPD.

The first instinct is to help them, but we have to do what's best for us and remember that at some point they put us to decide in the quest of what they thought was best for them.

unsure78

angelpixie that was a really good post- thank you, sometimes i tend to forget since im such a fixer
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cantmove

My h isn't NPD but the ic says he has strong N tendancies. So we have a very similar push pull situation. When I stay strong with the 180 he starts manipulating me. When I give in and we start spending time together it gets to be too much for him because I start to have expectations like he should give up the other woman. If I mention anything about getting rid of her or where we stand he gets defensive and the walls comeback up. It's very predictable but sometimes I still fall into the trap. I truly don't think I will be able to totally let go until the divorce is final. The problem is I know he loves me and he could change but he is still the fog and I know he isn't willing to do the really tough work on himself.