"Purge"....I think that may be my theme for this upcoming week.
Last week...well, it was a strange week. I moved forward in so many ways, but I feel like my thinking moved backwards a bit. I was sad a lot...very sad. ...and very unsure of myself for the first time in a long time. Feelings of inadequacy came racing back to me, and that familiar feeling of having a ball of uneasiness in my stomach came back to haunt me.
I slept a lot today, cleaned a little, and thought probably a little too much about a lot of things that I just can't change. ....And out of all those things that I did, I feel like the cleaning really did me the most good. It felt good to throw away some stuff and to clean out some cabinets. When I was cleaning out some cabinets, there were a couple of items that I hesitated to let go of --but, I ultimately did. And it felt good. ...(...I was still a little unsure if I was making the right choice in throwing these items out--would I want to use them again? would I miss them? )...but, it was a good feeling to just let it go. To just give it up.
So, I decided I should continue this process and start "The Purge".
It actually started earlier this weekend. I purged the firefighter from my life. He is gone--and it is a good thing.
I responded to my ex-husbands email. I thought about it a lot...about whether I should respond or not. Maybe if I wanted him to suffer, I would have pretended to just ignore him. But, I don't want him to suffer. And, honestly, it does hurt my heart that he is suffering and that he is grieving. I know the pain of despair all too well, and I would not wish that on anyone. It was just a short response, telling him just that--that I feel for what he is going through, that at times, I , too, am sad for the loss of our friendship, and that I hope and pray he is getting good guidance in his life.
It felt good to "purge" myself of these thoughts and feelings. It felt like I was giving these feelings back to him ...in a strange way. I acknowledged the pain he felt and the pain that I felt, and I just gave it all up. In the email, I sort of felt like I was responding to a posting on TAM. I sort of felt like I was acknowledging and identifying with the pain of a poster on this forum, and offering some words of condolences and a little tidbit of advice that got me through tough times. I did not try to fix it for him or take it away. I just simply acknowledged it.
He actually responded to my email...he thanked me for my kind words. Told me that it means a lot. And then he said ,"I guess I just wanted it understood that I do very much treasure our very rich history, and the miracle of love that for some reason actually loves to see me each day" (referring to our son).
Well, then. Well. hmmm. Sometimes I forget that my ex-husband is actually a human being.
This week will be full on more "purging" I think. I need to purge myself of some bad habits that I have acquired due to my recently stressful and chaotic life--too much fast food for me and my son, one too many beers to drown out a bad day, procrastinating on projects at work.
So, I am looking forward to cleansing myself this week. Starting a new beginning--again. Getting back to enjoying my life and the wonderful people in it, and making healthy and happy choices.
I loved this message. You stayed strong, stuck to your guns and did not to into saviour/fixer mode. You respected yourself, what you deserve and your worth.
jpr... the highest of high fives to ya! I think you handled it well.
Purging and cleaning stuff around the house is good and representative of the order you're placing in your life. Tomorrow I get some stuff read for the trash, including my large wedding photo. My ex left that behind. Now, appropriately, I will "dump" it. I will not take any pleasure doing so, but it must be done.
I loved this message. You stayed strong, stuck to your guns and did not to into saviour/fixer mode. You respected yourself, what you deserve and your worth.
jpr... the highest of high fives to ya! I think you handled it well.
Purging and cleaning stuff around the house is good and representative of the order you're placing in your life. Tomorrow I get some stuff read for the trash, including my large wedding photo. My ex left that behind. Now, appropriately, I will "dump" it. I will not take any pleasure doing so, but it must be done.
awwwww...shucks! Thanks. I feel good today--like I can handle anything.
I am proud of you for "dumping" that photo. It is tough to let go, but it needs to be done. You gotta do what you gotta do to move on.
..."saviour". hehehehe. You Canadians, always interjecting crazy, random "u"'s into your words. hehehe. ...always makes me chuckle.
awwwww...shucks! Thanks. I feel good today--like I can handle anything.
I am proud of you for "dumping" that photo. It is tough to let go, but it needs to be done. You gotta do what you gotta do to move on.
..."saviour". hehehehe. You Canadians, always interjecting crazy, random "u"'s into your words. hehehe. ...always makes me chuckle.
Good to hear! Or read, in this case.
Thanks... it was a good feeling actually. I shared this on Bandit's thread, but I'll share it here too... Throwing out the big, framed wedding photo was a nice purge. I did not feel happy or sad throwing it out. It just felt like it was something that needed to be done... and better yet, that it was ok, finally, to throw it out. It's the past. Not a place I want to live.
I looked at it, smiled as a nod to happier times, and turned the page. Well, at least that one.
As for the "u"... yes, I write colour, neighbourhood, saviour, labour, etc.
Must be because I have "u" on my mind, jpr.
(This cheesy line has been brought to you by Touching Moments cheese slices. When you think cheese, think of Touching Moments cheese slices. You'll savoUr every one! We guarantee it, or your money back!)
Thanks... it was a good feeling actually. I shared this on Bandit's thread, but I'll share it here too... Throwing out the big, framed wedding photo was a nice purge. I did not feel happy or sad throwing it out. It just felt like it was something that needed to be done... and better yet, that it was ok, finally, to throw it out. It's the past. Not a place I want to live.
I looked at it, smiled as a nod to happier times, and turned the page. Well, at least that one.
As for the "u"... yes, I write colour, neighbourhood, saviour, labour, etc.
Must be because I have "u" on my mind, jpr.
(This cheesy line has been brought to you by Touching Moments cheese slices. When you think cheese, think of Touching Moments cheese slices. You'll savoUr every one! We guarantee it, or your money back!)
awwww... you make my heart go pitter-patter, Canguy.
I read your post on Bandit's thread, and I was happy to hear that you were able to 'purge'. Good for you--and good that you felt no bitterness or anger.
THOUSE "u's"!!! I think I am goUing to just start injecting randoUm "u"'s after the "o"'s in all my woUrds. HoUw doUes that sound, eh?
I think I am craving a Molson or a Labatt now. Does that mean I am turning into a Canadian... eh?
Your cheesiness makes me laUgh out loud! LaUgh with a capital U.
awwww... you make my heart go pitter-patter, Canguy.
I read your post on Bandit's thread, and I was happy to hear that you were able to 'purge'. Good for you--and good that you felt no bitterness or anger.
THOUSE "u's"!!! I think I am goUing to just start injecting randoUm "u"'s after the "o"'s in all my woUrds. HoUw doUes that sound, eh?
I think I am craving a Molson or a Labatt now. Does that mean I am turning into a Canadian... eh?
Your cheesiness makes me laUgh out loud! LaUgh with a capital U.
Whew! Glad you enjoyed it.
Molson or Labatt are both good Canadian beers, with kick compared to US beer. I saw R.E.M. play in Ottawa in the 80s and Peter Buck was obviously enjoying the canuck beer... I lost count of how many he drank, but he played just fine, despite the occasional stumbling (as in losing his balance, his playing was amazing).
Glad U liked the post.
By the way, the whole "eh" thing is a false stereotype, but one we embrace/accept for fun. A principal I worked with when I was in admin said it regularly, but that's about it. That said, I do live in an igloo (which might have explained my ex-wife's frigidity). I have a pet polar bear, just cleared my yard of snow, pour maple syrup on my vegetables, am very friendly, hockey is my religion and... that's aboot it.
Molson or Labatt are both good Canadian beers, with kick compared to US beer. I saw R.E.M. play in Ottawa in the 80s and Peter Buck was obviously enjoying the canuck beer... I lost count of how many he drank, but he played just fine, despite the occasional stumbling (as in losing his balance, his playing was amazing).
Glad U liked the post.
By the way, the whole "eh" thing is a false stereotype, but one we embrace/accept for fun. A principal I worked with when I was in admin said it regularly, but that's about it. That said, I do live in an igloo (which might have explained my ex-wife's frigidity). I have a pet polar bear, just cleared my yard of snow, pour maple syrup on my vegetables, am very friendly, hockey is my religion and... that's aboot it.
Awwww...you mentioned R.E.M., beer, maple syrup, and polar bears in the same post! I love all 4 of those things!
I lived in Upstate New York for a couple of years...so, I was practically a Canadian myself for a short period of time. The "aboot" thing drove me a little nuts. ...and I do know that not ALL Canadians are nice.
...Also...I am a little afraid to admit this, but I don't really like hockey. ...not really.
Awwww...you mentioned R.E.M., beer, maple syrup, and polar bears in the same post! I love all 4 of those things!
I lived in Upstate New York for a couple of years...so, I was practically a Canadian myself for a short period of time. The "aboot" thing drove me a little nuts. ...and I do know that not ALL Canadians are nice.
...Also...I am a little afraid to admit this, but I don't really like hockey. ...not really.
Do you still like me?
Wow... all four? I scored there, didn't I? *cough* Sorry, hockey thing. And speaking of which...
That's fine... I'm a hockey fan but not a fanatic. I love the Montreal Canadiens, but only watch the occasional game on TV (but have seen a live game at the Bell Centre). When they make the playoffs, I'll watch, but that's about it. So yes, I still like you.
For the record, I don't say "aboot", and can pronounce "about" properly.
857Likes
Re: This is hard. 
