Indeed -- most schools have very strict rules regarding relationships between faculty and students -- even if she's no longer a student now, she was when the A started.
Why hasn't jpr exposed him ? (Atleast when she was hoping for R). I hope someone exposes him at work. jpr shouldn't actively try to keep this thing a secret.
Last time you hooked up with the firefighter you slept with him and then you spent a week flogging yourself in front of everyone on TAM for your weakness.
You're not going to put us through that again are you?
jpr, feel free to share. This is your thread and it's for you to vent or celebrate anything you like.
Just like you, everyone on this board is just trying to navigate their way through life, and we're all on TAM for a reason. This has the potential to be your first new relationship post-separation, so understandably it's normal to be a bit nervous.
Just don't be too hard on yourself and have some fun!
jpr, I keep reading this thread and I keep relating to you in my own way. Essentially, you are where I want to be when the same amount of time has passed. It is going on 5 months for me and it's still hard. Easier, but still difficult. I read this cheesy line somewhere that 'when you feel, you heal'. I think maybe that's why you felt sadness again at the party. You are on your way to recover, but not quite done yet. When you allow yourself to feel the pain, it will lessen.... what's left of it. It's all in the past, but not completely yet. I'm glad you have put your financial life together, and are doing so well with your son. What I did want to ask you is, when did you begin to think about men? Every time I think of being with somebody else I want to vomit. I also want to vomit when I think of my stbxh, so it's not a case of wanting him back.... he can have his 18 year old student. That's not going to last for him or your stbxh. But I can't even begin to imagine being with somebody else, even just for fun.... I think I'd rather go the battery operated route (sorry to be crass) if the desperation hits. So yes, how long did it take you to notice members of the opposite sex?
Every time I think of being with somebody else I want to vomit. I also want to vomit when I think of my stbxh, so it's not a case of wanting him back.... he can have his 18 year old student. That's not going to last for him or your stbxh. But I can't even begin to imagine being with somebody else, even just for fun.... I think I'd rather go the battery operated route (sorry to be crass) if the desperation hits. So yes, how long did it take you to notice members of the opposite sex?
I'm already there after three months, but that's because my ex checked out sexually a couple of years ago whilst my libido went through the roof. And because I'm not a cheater I just dealt with it
but now I'm like a volcano waiting to explode ha ha - just got to find a guy to, um, be happy to be covered in pyroclastic flow?
What I did want to ask you is, when did you begin to think about men? Every time I think of being with somebody else I want to vomit. I also want to vomit when I think of my stbxh, so it's not a case of wanting him back.... he can have his 18 year old student. That's not going to last for him or your stbxh. But I can't even begin to imagine being with somebody else, even just for fun.... I think I'd rather go the battery operated route (sorry to be crass) if the desperation hits. So yes, how long did it take you to notice members of the opposite sex?
Honeystly -- I think I started when I got to the point where I started to see myself through my own eyes, and not through STBXH's. And, just as importantly, I didn't see STBXH as just a 'man' -- I realized he has very specific problems and issues, and there's no reason to believe that all men will be like him, or treat me the way he does. Lastly, having more contact with men in a non-sexual context will help, too. It builds your confidence.
Don't set yourself any kind of a schedule. Everybody is different. As more time goes by, you'll find yourself more comfortable with the idea, and frankly, the battery operated boyfriend will just not be enough anymore.
Last time you hooked up with the firefighter you slept with him and then you spent a week flogging yourself in front of everyone on TAM for your weakness.
You're not going to put us through that again are you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by angelpixie
I hope that 'nope' means that you won't flog yourself either in front of us OR in private. No more flogging, jpr.
.'
Quote:
Originally Posted by canguy66
jpr, feel free to share. This is your thread and it's for you to vent or celebrate anything you like.
Just like you, everyone on this board is just trying to navigate their way through life, and we're all on TAM for a reason. This has the potential to be your first new relationship post-separation, so understandably it's normal to be a bit nervous.
Just don't be too hard on yourself and have some fun!
I have to admit...Bandit's post made me think a bit.....and I did feel a little judged. Perhaps I should feel judged, though.
I have conflicted feelings here--in my heart, my marriage is over. I am not longer connected to my ex-husband as a married couple--not emotionally, physically, financially. However, legally, this divorce will not be finalized until September/October. My counselor, my friends, my family...even my lawyer...--everyone says that I should feel free to move on, date, explore, move on and get on with my life. I feel more than ready to do this.
However, a piece of me feels judged...sort of like a tramp. It is something I sort of struggle with. ...actually, I REALLY struggle with this. I care about what other people think of me. My close friends understand and know who I am, and where I am in my life. They understand all that I have been through...and they realize that I have been struggling with my ex's infidelity for over 18 months now.
But, my not-so-close friends will probably judge me ....and that does upset me.
I can't deny that.
I guess if I had kicked my ex-husband out when I first found out about the affair, then I would be divorced my now. But, I didn't. I chose to try to get him to work things out with me--I chose to try...to hold on...and I held on probably much longer than I should have. If I would have kicked him out and given up 18 months ago, then I would be divorced and free right now---free of judgements.
But, because he didn't physically leave this house until October, I have to wait to finalize this divorce.
I care about those judgements. I do. I have talked to my counselor about this, and she advised me to take some risks and start dating. One of the things I worked on in counseling is to try to locate the authentic "me". In the past, I have been so worried about how people perceive me, that I was not really being true to myself....I was simply living up to a image that everyone had of me.
{sidenote: It was interesting, Angelpixie, because she mentioned the "Wise Mind" thing to me...and she said that through the past few months, my thinking evolved into "Wise Mind" thinking. I will write another post about it later on. }
I am rationalizing this...I know. I am trying to rationalize my urge to date. ...and to move on. Perhaps I am a tramp? Perhaps I am not respecting the institution/sacrament of marrige. Perhaps I do deserve to be judged harshly?
I don't know.
Is that going to stop me from seeing the firefighter tomorrow night....No, it won't.
But, will it stop me from getting as close to him as I would like to?....maybe.
Jpr, why do your not-so-close friends even have to know if you are dating? Why do you care what they think? This is really the issue. Posted via Mobile Device
jpr i agree with Myself- they dont need to know, it YOUR business- and to each his/her own on dating before the divorce is finalized. Everybody's situation is different, i did not date until the divorce is finalized BUT from the time he walked out the door till it was finalized was only 3 months, so not a long time for me to wait. If it had gone a long time that may have been a different story for me.
My not-so-close friends don't know, and probably won't know that I am dating---unless they see me out and about.
I *know* that I shouldn't care. I*know* that. My brain knows all the right things and reasonings to use to try to get myself to not care.
But, deep down. I still do care.
I don't want people to think that I am not upstanding...that I am a cheater...I don't want people to think that I have no honor. ---even though, I know that just because I am dating, that does not me that I have no honor. I know that. But, I don't want people to judge me otherwise.
I know that is completely irrational. It is something I am working on letting go of. It is just hard....something I am currently struggling with.
I am rationalizing this...I know. I am trying to rationalize my urge to date. ...and to move on. Perhaps I am a tramp? Perhaps I am not respecting the institution/sacrament of marrige. Perhaps I do deserve to be judged harshly?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
Quote:
Originally Posted by jpr
Is that going to stop me from seeing the firefighter tomorrow night....No, it won't.
YAY! Put on your sexiest dress, your highest heels, and have a GREAT time!!! You so deserve it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by jpr
But, will it stop me from getting as close to him as I would like to?....maybe.
Only you can truly decide what's right for you, but really, would the people whose opinions you worry about give a fig what you think of them? Not a chance! I am learning this, too. You want to live an authentic life. You simply cannot do that if you judge yourself based on what you believe people are thinking about you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Furthermore, if you find yourself in a situation with people who've only heard your ex's side of things, speak up for yourself. You don't have to do it in a 'feel sorry for me' way. Speak the truth. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If he doesn't want people to know the truth, why not? Could it be that deep down he knows that he was immoral and abusive in the way he treated his pregnant wife? Why protect him? If it's the truth, speak the truth. It will make it harder for people to judge you. They will just think 'Oh, there's no real reason for her to live like a nun since X is living with his grad student. jpr is such a lovely person, let her find someone to be happy with. She deserves it.' You didn't bash him, you didn't ask for sympathy, you just spoke the truth.
And no matter what happens with the firefighter, you know we care and you can tell us whatever you want.
857Likes
Re: This is hard. 
I think I will put a fireman on my list of guys I want to date 
I care about what other people think of me. My close friends understand and know who I am, and where I am in my life. They understand all that I have been through...and they realize that I have been struggling with my ex's infidelity for over 18 months now. 
