JPR I wasn't judging you. I was teasing you. You took what I said the wrong way...
I think it's totally fine if you want to date. What I meant by my comment was I didn't like seeing you beat yourself up over what most of us saw as a triviality. Your personal life is your business.
I think you're a special, sweet lady with an endearing personality... and I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings.
You smack me with a 2x4 whan I am feeling down about myself, and I was doing the same for you. I could have worded that differently, and please know I thought you would take it in jest. Bandit has learned his lesson.
Thanks, AngelPixie and MyselfAgain for your kind words...
I really appreciate it. This is something that I struggle with. ...and probably will continue to struggle with. But, I know I need to get over it. I'll let ya'll know how it goes.
...about reporting my ex to his employer...
Well, there is no rule about dating students at his school. Plus, when this was first going on, I was pregnant and ready to pop. I hid all of this...everything that I was going through...from all of my friends and all of my family for 8 months.
I didn't tell anyone. I was hoping and praying and desparately trying to cling to my marriage and my family. I didn't want to "out" my ex, because I was afraid that would drive him further away. I was trying to ride out this storm...and I refused to believe that he would ever leave me.
He is tenured. He wouldn't get fired. He was have just gotten really really p!ssed at me. And, everyone in his department would probably shun him and refuse to work with him---for a while at least. We were dependent on his income from collaborative grants and consulting work. So, I didn't want to destroy his career--just in case we would remain a family.
Plus, I knew she was moving all the way across the country in August. So, I thought that when she finally moved away, their affair would end. Stupid.
Geez. I can't believe I was in such a fog. Unbelievable. I feel very dumb sometimes...and I feel very dumb when I tell this story out loud to people. When I tell people the details--what he did--what he said--how he treated me--ugh. What sort of person with any self-respect would put up with this b.s.?! stupid.
But, now, I think it would just be vindictive for me to tell everyone about his affair....just to tell it. I am pretty good friends with a few people in his department, and I told them that he is having an affair--they just don't know who it is with.
Besides, he would just rationalize it and say that the affair was a symptom of our underlaying issues. ...which is probably true, in some regards...but it still is not a valid justification for what he did and how he treated me.
I just don't care..really. I don't care. It is going to all come out eventually--I am sure of it.. .and I think that is the kicker. If he is going to have a "real" romantic relationship with this girl, he is going to have to eventually go public with it. Is he going to be taking his student to faculty parties?..to b-b-q's? She is his "soul-mate" afterall...his "one true love" ...at least that is what he told me.
He is a poop.
Yes, it is horribly unethical. This girl spent 2 years of her life trying to please my ex-husband professionally. She hung on his every word. I remember, I used to joke with him because she would constantly call him or email him to ask the dumbest questions. When they would go to a conference, she would ask to share a taxi with him...(she was his only student who would do this)...she would make sure she booked the same flight as him. She gave him gifts for every holiday and every occasion. She hung on his every word...and he just ate that up. He used to complain to me about her when she was a 1st-year student. He would tell me how "clingy" she was...how she couldn't do anything on her own...how she was always seeking his approval for everything. ugh. I never really thought anything of it, because I trusted my ex-husband. I trusted him and I couldn't imagine him ever not loving me. We were meant to be together. Forever.
Then, after he started having an affair with her, he started to tell me how he never loved me...he only married me because everyone told him I was a good catch. ...and he told me that he regretted giving up his other girlfriends to get married to me. He told me that he doesn't want this chance at "true love" to slip through his fingers again.
He is the poopiest of poop.
But, right now, I think he is a miserable poop.....and I am not.
I am not miserable. I suffered a lot with him, but I am in a much much better place right now. And, I don't feel the need to blab to the world anymore about him and his poopiness.
I just want to live my life as free of him as possible. I don't want to have conversations about him, and what he did to me and his family. I just want to move on.
So, I am actually pretty happy with how I handled things. Really.
We all have our perspective on things. His perspective on why/how this marriage ended may be different than mine. But, I do know that he is very ashamed for what he did. He told me that much. He just wasn't ashamed enough to stop doing it--and he told me that too.
JPR I wasn't judging you. I was teasing you. You took what I said the wrong way...
I think it's totally fine if you want to date. What I meant by my comment was I didn't like seeing you beat yourself up over what most of us saw as a triviality. Your personal life is your business.
I think you're a special, sweet lady with an endearing personality... and I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings.
You smack me with a 2x4 whan I am feeling down about myself, and I was doing the same for you. I could have worded that differently, and please know I thought you would take it in jest. Bandit has learned his lesson.
No, no, no, Bandit. I didn't really take it that way...really.
Your post just challenged me to reflect on some things.
It is something I would normally take in jest...but, it sort of brought up some issues that I have been struggling with. I was feeling a bit sensitive.
I love you, Bandit. Really. I don't mean to make you feel badly about your post.
I hope that you would feel free to challenge me if you thought I was doing something destructive/dishonorable.
Your ex has made it clear that he is done with the marriage. You have no further responsibilities to him or the marriage, only to your son and yourself - that includes your happiness and moving on.
So what if you've had a romp? That does not devalue you as a person in anyone's eyes.
You owe it to yourself to be happy. The FF might not be Mr. Right, but you won't know unless you get to know him better. Nothing wrong with that.
I have and will always think you're absolutely great.
Oh, jpr, I hurt so much for you. It is really so sad that men like our exes can be book-smart, but yet have such fragile egos that they will give up loving women and stable families for someone that, deep down, they believe to be stupid.
At work today, I was looking through my email archive for a video I wanted to post in another TAM thread. I knew STBXH sent it to me years ago, and I was hoping I could find the link. I've been through my email since he left, but today, I found some that I hadn't seen before. One he wrote after one of his EAs. It was very loving and said pretty much everything anyone here on TAM would say a WS should say. I'd forgotten all about it. All I remembered was how he reacted on DDay, when I saw the email where they said they loved each other. When I just walked out the door and just kept walking, hoping the earth would open up and swallow me. This email was different. He knew he'd blown my trust. He wanted to earn it back. He hated to see how much he was hurting me. That's why I stayed. Just like the pain of childbirth, I'd forgotten that this was actually the 2nd EA, and that he'd said it all before.
There were many other emails where he said many loving, sexy, appreciative things. That's why I stayed. They made it easy to overlook the continuing 'inappropriate' friendships that only became more frequent when he got to grad school. As did the criticism, the devaluing of things he used to praise me for.
In a way, it really made me hurt. I've been struggling with our past. Did he ever love me? If so, how could he just let this all go without fighting for it at all? Therefore, he must not have loved me. My IC doesn't think this is true. It's frankly easier to believe it was all a farce and that I was stupid. Yes, my self-respect was diminishing by the year, but in the glare of the light of a 'superstar,' that often happens.
I guess what I"m saying, jpr, is that it's easy to look back at all of this and beat ourselves up. But seeing those emails somehow made me feel better in a way, too, just like when I found the box of his love letters when I was moving out last summer. I know now without a doubt that this was all his choice. He chose to give up. He chose to devalue and change history in order to take the easy path to an adoring younger woman instead of putting in the work needed for a marriage to a grown woman with a brain and her own personality. He wants to mold someone into his own image. Maybe our husbands use to see us that way. When they saw instead that we were strong and smart, it activated their insecurities. It still hurts like he!!.
But you know what? I'd rather feel than run. Just now, DS came home earlier than I expected. STBXH was going to pick him up from school and hang out for an hour. Instead he brought him right home because we were having a rare lightning storm and DS didn't want to be out in it. I spoke to STBXH earlier and knew he was having another really emotional day. I knew he'd been crying, though he was trying to hide it. When DS came in so soon, I knew STBXH would probably be hurting. I sent DS out to give him one more hug before he drove away. AFter DS got out of the car, I could see STBXH put his head down and wipe his eyes. I'm crying as I type this. I don't want to be a poop like he is. It's not important if he knows I was behind DS going out to him. I just want to be alive, even if it means I hurt sometimes. I want to teach my child to care, too. I think you're the same way, jpr.
They may seem like they have it all together with their girlfriends, but they are really very pathetic. I just need to remember that when I feel sorry for myself. They are the ones who've truly lost, because they could have chosen differently.
.
They may seem like they have it all together with their girlfriends, but they are really very pathetic. I just need to remember that when I feel sorry for myself. They are the ones who've truly lost, because they could have chosen differently.
Oh gosh, AngelPixie.
I think we must be connected celestially in some way. ....
My ex's mom just email me and told me that my ex is really struggling.
ugh. ...and why do I care?
It hurts to see other people suffering, doesn't it?...even when you know that they are a piece of poop.
We have a history with our exes...you, like me, spend a lot of time placating to your ex's moods...supporting him along the way. We have such a history.
...and as much as I would like to move on...away from that history...I just can't.
To quote the Godfather.."Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!".
...you did a good thing, today. You are such a good person! Such a tremendously, loving spirit! Amazing.
jpr, I keep reading this thread and I keep relating to you in my own way. Essentially, you are where I want to be when the same amount of time has passed. It is going on 5 months for me and it's still hard. Easier, but still difficult. I read this cheesy line somewhere that 'when you feel, you heal'. I think maybe that's why you felt sadness again at the party. You are on your way to recover, but not quite done yet. When you allow yourself to feel the pain, it will lessen.... what's left of it. It's all in the past, but not completely yet. I'm glad you have put your financial life together, and are doing so well with your son. What I did want to ask you is, when did you begin to think about men? Every time I think of being with somebody else I want to vomit. I also want to vomit when I think of my stbxh, so it's not a case of wanting him back.... he can have his 18 year old student. That's not going to last for him or your stbxh. But I can't even begin to imagine being with somebody else, even just for fun.... I think I'd rather go the battery operated route (sorry to be crass) if the desperation hits. So yes, how long did it take you to notice members of the opposite sex?
"When you allow yourself to feel the pain, it will lessen"
This is sooo true. Yes. I agree. These feelings must be felt. They HAVE to be felt. It is so hard, because the heartbreak and hurt at times can be unbearable....like nothing else on this earth.
But, they do need to be felt. I learned that. It DOES get better...so much better. ...and it is so cliche, but each bad day does bring you closer to a good day. It really does.
hmmmm....when did I start noticing the opposite sex. hmmmm..
Well, in February I decided to just give this all up. I just decided I was going to train my brain...every time I thought of the "could have beens" or "should haves", I would just stop myself..stop myself from thinking about it. I stopped allowing myself to think about those things, and I just kept reminding myself that loving my ex was just not an option. It wasn't an option anymore.
I gave this up for Lent. I gave 'him' up for Lent. And, after those 6 weeks, I started to notice men. It was such an intense 6 weeks...but, after that, I just felt so renewed. ...not completely healed...but just so renewed and so healthy.
A totally new outlook on life. My ex was no longer in my constant thoughts. ...and then I started to open myself up to others. I started flirting more. Engaging in more conversations at the park...and the mall playground...at parties...practicing my social skills. I sort of felt like the fog was lifted, and my eyes were opened to this beautiful world around me--full of so much potential.
And...um...ah.. I really, really, really, really missed sex. ..... I missed everything about it...everything.. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. about it.
Your ex has made it clear that he is done with the marriage. You have no further responsibilities to him or the marriage, only to your son and yourself - that includes your happiness and moving on.
So what if you've had a romp? That does not devalue you as a person in anyone's eyes.
You owe it to yourself to be happy. The FF might not be Mr. Right, but you won't know unless you get to know him better. Nothing wrong with that.
I have and will always think you're absolutely great.
You're so wonderful, Canguy. Man oh man!...if we lived closer, we would light the world on fire. You and me.... Electrolites.
857Likes
Re: This is hard. 
What sort of person with any self-respect would put up with this b.s.?! stupid. 
