If Canguy and I ever got together, our connection would create a force so powerful that it would knock the earth off its orbit and we would all go crashing into the sun.
jpr, you said you are hearing from ex's family that he's not doing too well. Is his new soulmate relationship over then? Or do you think reality finally hit him? Obviously I'm curious since I'm in the same boat, and while you feel empathy for your ex... I'm just thinking serves him right.
When my STBXH were together, I always sent out the birthday, anniversary, congratulations, get well, sympathy, yada yada yada cards and presents. WTH is he going to do now? He has no idea what the important dates are for his family!
I feel for you about sharing milestones. It's so hard not to have someone to share them with, someone to laugh with about the silly things! Yes, post your kid stories on here! Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, I know I am really way behind here, but when I read about the ice cream gift card for the cancelled wedding...I know I do not know all of the particulars, and while I would not have thought to send an ice cream gift card, the fact that he recognized that his sister was hurting, and he wanted to do something should count for...well, something. If he ended up sending it, I hope that his sister appreciated the gesture and effort.
I know what it feels like to be slammed down for not doing everything exactly how it should be done. My stbxw absolutely berated me for a few days this mothers day because I did not send her a text, email, or call to wish her a happy mothers day even though I made a very personal and appropriate mothers day video for her, custom music, and pics of our kids through their lives, the fact that I did not explicitly say the words to her...well, she completely discounted everything else.
Same thing happened last christmas, with her birthday the day after christmas. The kids and I planned out themes for christmas and her birthday, and coordinated the gifts for each. I ordered her a yoga magazine subscription for christmas, and the first issue was delivered early, and she got it in the mail and said I needed to do a better job with the timing, and I told her it was her christmas present, and I got her a new set of head phones for her birthday. Just this past weekend, she started crying about how I didn't get her a christmas present.
I understand getting a laugh about your stbxh, and there may be a lot more to this than I know, but on the surface, to me, uncaring would be for him to just shrug his shoulders and say "Well, that sucks. Where are we going for dinner?"
What ever happened to "It's the thought that counts."? I hope for his sake that his sister appreciated the gesture.
Yes, I know I am really way behind here, but when I read about the ice cream gift card for the cancelled wedding...I know I do not know all of the particulars, and while I would not have thought to send an ice cream gift card, the fact that he recognized that his sister was hurting, and he wanted to do something should count for...well, something. If he ended up sending it, I hope that his sister appreciated the gesture and effort.
Hi Sam,
No, I am afraid you do not know all the particulars about this situation. My ex-husband is notorious for giving really awful gifts.....but, you are certainly right. It is indeed the thought that counts. But, how thoughtful is it to give someone a giftcard for their cancelled wedding? Really. ...especially, when you know the person is trying to lose weight. ...and lactose intolerent? (Seriously--my sister is law can't eat dairy products...she is on a pretty strict dairy-free diet).
Putting the absurdity of the gift card purchase aside, what is the point of buying a gift for someone?....to make yourself feel better?...or to bring joy/comfort/excitement to someone else? I think a thoughtful gift is one where you actually think about the other person--what the person likes, dislikes...I don't think it is very thoughtful to give someone who has a dairy intolerance a gift card for ice cream.
My ex-husband will typically give gifts to make himself feel better. It is just another thing on his long list to do. It is something for him to check off his list so that he can make himself feel like a good guy. ...so he can say, "Hey! I care about you. It is evident because I bought you this $20 gift card for ice cream." <said in a robotic voice>
CHECK! See. He IS a good guy, afterall.
.....even though he never bothers to call or visit her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by samyeagar
I know what it feels like to be slammed down for not doing everything exactly how it should be done. My stbxw absolutely berated me for a few days this mothers day because I did not send her a text, email, or call to wish her a happy mothers day even though I made a very personal and appropriate mothers day video for her, custom music, and pics of our kids through their lives, the fact that I did not explicitly say the words to her...well, she completely discounted everything else.
Same thing happened last christmas, with her birthday the day after christmas. The kids and I planned out themes for christmas and her birthday, and coordinated the gifts for each. I ordered her a yoga magazine subscription for christmas, and the first issue was delivered early, and she got it in the mail and said I needed to do a better job with the timing, and I told her it was her christmas present, and I got her a new set of head phones for her birthday. Just this past weekend, she started crying about how I didn't get her a christmas present.
I understand getting a laugh about your stbxh, and there may be a lot more to this than I know, but on the surface, to me, uncaring would be for him to just shrug his shoulders and say "Well, that sucks. Where are we going for dinner?"
What ever happened to "It's the thought that counts."? I hope for his sake that his sister appreciated the gesture.
I think your situation is a little different from mine. Your gifts were obviously very thoughtful...and came from your heart. What you did for your wife was extraordinary.
Even though my ex-husband gave me notoriously bad Christmas and Birthday presents...I appreciated and treasured every little thing he gave me....but, I *thought* he cared. ....I *thought* they were from his heart.
In fact, my wedding ring is NOTHING at all like I picked out when we went ring shopping. It is actually the EXACT opposite of what I wanted. But, I treasured it. I absolutely treasured it with all of my heart...and it made me smile every time I looked at it.
In a way, I thought it symbolized my love for my ex-husband...as Canguy once said about his ex...I loved the painting despite the rip in the corner. And, truthfully, I probably loved the painting BECAUSE of the rip in the corner. I loved all his imperfections...his failings. I accepted them, and cherished him. So what?...so, he always bought me awful gift?...who cares? I love him, and I loved that he tried to please me in his own way.
But, I now realize, through our conversations and his actions, that I was so wrong about him...He didn't really love me. He was just going through the motions. In fact, before he moved out, I intercepted an email that was dated from Christmas of 2010 where he was complaining to his current girlfriend about having to get me a Christmas gift. ...and how he will just pick up a few random things online, and how that would make me happy and keep me off his back for a while.
CHECK!...just another thing for him to check off his list so that he could say he was a good husband.
So, yes. It is indeed the "thought" that counts. But...I think it is also the quality of the "thought" that counts.
When giving a gift, you should have the giftee in mind...it shouldn't just be another things to check off your "to do" list. Just because someone gives you a gift, it doesn't mean it is a thoughtful gift.
Sam, you gave your wife such a thoughtful gift. I am so sorry that it wasn't appreciated. That is awful.
jpr, you said you are hearing from ex's family that he's not doing too well. Is his new soulmate relationship over then? Or do you think reality finally hit him? Obviously I'm curious since I'm in the same boat, and while you feel empathy for your ex... I'm just thinking serves him right.
I don't know exactly. I have no idea if he is still dating the girlfriend.
I have no idea what goes on in his personal life. He has no idea about mine either. We only talk about our son.
His mom emailed me the other day and told me that my ex-husband is "still struggling" and "trying to find his way"...and she thanked me for being concerned despite all that has happened.
This morning, when he picked up my son, my ex-husband did seem really really down. But, I know he has a cold too. So, I don't know what is going on with him.
I actually do care. But, I have to keep reminding myself of the pain and heartache that I felt for 12 months...constant pain in my heart...and how cold and heartless he was to me. I have to keep reminding myself of all the horrible things he said to me, and how he treated me. Oh my gosh---when I think about how much pain I was in because of him!...man oh man!
But....still. ....I don't know....he does really look like he is struggling. He seems miserable. I would be miserable if I were him. He lives in an apartment. He doesn't live with his son. His girlfriend lives all the way across the country. He has turned his back on all of his friends. He misses his dog. He has no money.
It is strange...when he first left me, I was hoping that his world would implode....I was hoping that he would be miserable. And now that he IS miserable...well, gee. It is just sad. Very sad.
He is a human being. ....and I have to say that it does affect me to see him like this. I hate this about myself--but, I do care.
My ex-husband will typically give gifts to make himself feel better. It is just another thing on his long list to do. It is something for him to check off his list so that he can make himself feel like a good guy. ...so he can say, "Hey! I care about you. Even though my ex-husband gave me notoriously bad Christmas and Birthday presents...I appreciated and treasured every little thing he gave me....but, I *thought* he cared. ....I *thought* they were from his heart.
just another thing for him to check off his list so that he could say he was a good husband.
So, yes. It is indeed the "thought" that counts. But...I think it is also the quality of the "thought" that counts.
When giving a gift, you should have the giftee in mind...it shouldn't just be another things to check off your "to do" list. Just because someone gives you a gift, it doesn't mean it is a thoughtful gift.
This hit a nerve with me JPR...
STBX_AHOLE never put any thought into his presents, I too initially found it indearing, then amusing at his inability to understand what my likes & tastes were..
One year for Xmas I got a pair of mens black socks, a family sized bag of pistachio nuts, a pair of 99p earrings from a discount store (he left the price on) and an artificial flower.. I was puzzled so I asked his reasoning.. he admitted he left it to the last minute. No coincidence that this was 3 months into his affair with the troll!!!
He has also bought me a cd of a band he liked once ... because he wanted it!!!
The only time he ever put some thought into it was when we had friends to stay with us one Xmas.. The other guy was a bit flash & he obiously felt the need to compete. he bought me some beautiful things, not because he loved me but because he didn't want to be shown up as a cheap skate!
In the end I made a list to make it easy for him - I explained he should by me a couple of items off the list so it would still be a surprise as to what I got.. Nothing extravagent, purfume, make up, some QVC jewellery (I'm a magpie but I dont mind diamonique )that kind of thing. He has bought me the exact same thing now for over 10 years.. birthday, mothers day, xmas & anniversary.. But never the jewellery - he says I dont NEED it??
Consequently, I am swimming in the exact same make up, perfume etc. It will take me a lifetime to get through.. I even gie it away as presents now there is that much of it! I have written down different brands, suggested different shops but to no avail. I have always been grateful for what I have received. He didn't have to spend any money on me. But there has never been any thought put into it. no love.
I on the other haand make mental notes of things, things he likes, his hobbies & interests, he was heavily into motorbikes, I bought him accessories he couldnt afford by saving up all year, getting his friends to source parts & have them sprayed to match is bike. THOUGHT!
But....still. ....I don't know....he does really look like he is struggling. He seems miserable. I would be miserable if I were him. He lives in an apartment. He doesn't live with his son. His girlfriend lives all the way across the country. He has turned his back on all of his friends. He misses his dog. He has no money.
He is a human being. ....and I have to say that it does affect me to see him like this. I hate this about myself--but, I do care.
oh jpr I am having this exact same issue. It's my exes birthday today, he is completely depressed, has no money, can't go and do anything, has a job he hates and isn't seeing his friends
it affects me too - I was just going to get him a birthday card and then caved and bought him a present too. You can't just turn the feelings off overnight
but when I started thinking 'should I take him out for lunch somewhere' I thought of you guys and bandit's 2x4 and steeled myself not to
and am really glad I did because I'm tense and uncomfortable whenever I see him now, despite still caring what happens to him. i've spent so long worrying about him and looking after him that 3 months hasn't just wiped it away
not that he appreciates it one iota
so I always feel stupid when I make the effort and he throws it back in my face
we need to get a grip and worry about ourselves girl!
I don't know exactly. I have no idea if he is still dating the girlfriend.
I have no idea what goes on in his personal life. He has no idea about mine either. We only talk about our son.
His mom emailed me the other day and told me that my ex-husband is "still struggling" and "trying to find his way"...and she thanked me for being concerned despite all that has happened.
This morning, when he picked up my son, my ex-husband did seem really really down. But, I know he has a cold too. So, I don't know what is going on with him.
I actually do care. But, I have to keep reminding myself of the pain and heartache that I felt for 12 months...constant pain in my heart...and how cold and heartless he was to me. I have to keep reminding myself of all the horrible things he said to me, and how he treated me. Oh my gosh---when I think about how much pain I was in because of him!...man oh man!
But....still. ....I don't know....he does really look like he is struggling. He seems miserable. I would be miserable if I were him. He lives in an apartment. He doesn't live with his son. His girlfriend lives all the way across the country. He has turned his back on all of his friends. He misses his dog. He has no money.
It is strange...when he first left me, I was hoping that his world would implode....I was hoping that he would be miserable. And now that he IS miserable...well, gee. It is just sad. Very sad.
He is a human being. ....and I have to say that it does affect me to see him like this. I hate this about myself--but, I do care.
I am just trying not to.
The Karma Bus is in town and your ex has a first class prime ticket to ride,
Don't you feel sorry for him for a minute there, he is eating is own cooked stew now and he need to eat it alone, and I am sure it is tasting bad for him.
he never had your feelings or your son in his mind when he went after this piece of A@$ss of his.
you should not waste one extra second feeling sorry for him JPR
you are too much of a savior nice woman and this will not be good for you.
The Karma Bus is in town and your ex has a first class prime ticket to ride,
Don't you feel sorry for him for a minute there, he is eating is own cooked stew now and he need to eat it alone, and I am sure it is tasting bad for him.
he never had your feelings or your son in his mind when he went after this piece of A@$ss of his.
you should not waste one extra second feeling sorry for him JPR
you are too much of a savior nice woman and this will not be good for you.
just my 0.02
Thanks, Mike.
I know you are right. I know this.
...but, I have a problem letting people suffer the consequences of their actions. I feel badly for them--even if they "deserve" what they get.
I am just trying to push it out of my mind, and not think about it.
Its not fun to watch someone you loved and still have residual feelings for go down the tubes.
I don't desire that the karma bus hit my wife. I just want her to vacate my geography, move away, go away so I don't have to worry about running into her or getting hit by the ricochets of her increasingly self destructive lifestyle. She is walking a slippery slope and I have no desire to watch her get sucked down into the chasm of her own poor choices. Posted via Mobile Device
...but, I have a problem letting people suffer the consequences of their actions. I feel badly for them--even if they "deserve" what they get.
I am just trying to push it out of my mind, and not think about it.
worst thing about it? I could have predicted every single thing that has happened to him so far. In fact I did
but he wouldn't have listened and I'm not his mother, right?
focus on yourself if you can - I know it's really hard because it sounds like me and you are cut from the same cloth and I'm fairly sure it's the reason I'm only sleeping 3 hours a night
but he made his choices and he's an adult (well almost) - he has to live with the consequences x
...but, I have a problem letting people suffer the consequences of their actions. I feel badly for them--even if they "deserve" what they get.
I am just trying to push it out of my mind, and not think about it.
jpr, I have been there, somewhat in your shoes but not the same circumstances (lets say much worst that I wish on no one), I am not totally immune to suffering around me either,
God knows how many times I have helped and assisted, many times even to the ones that hurt me the most, and, in many cases there was no gratitude for my help.
It actually been interpreted as weakness, and invited more abuse, stay strong and keep these feelings bottled,
especially from your ex, a person who can desert his wife and his baby in the most needed time of their life has very little real Morals and empathy and is a cowered in my opinion, this is the exact type which will exploit your desire to help as weakness inviting more abuse from him, Stay strong and keep indifferent appearance even tough you are breaking from the
inside.
857Likes
Re: This is hard. 
(Seriously--my sister is law can't eat dairy products...she is on a pretty strict dairy-free diet). 
Very sad. 
