jpr, I wanted to write this to you as soon as I read about your husband's changing behaviour... and finally I have time today. This is a section from a book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, and it really sounds like your current situation. Hope this helps:
Another important phenomenon in the dumper-dumpee relationship is the "pain cycle." The dumper is not hurting as much when the relationship ends, but the dumpee's pain is great and motivates rapid growth and adjustment. When the dumpee is reaching a good emotional adjustment, the dumper frequently comes back and begins talking about reconciliation. This really blows the dumpee away... There are many different ways to interpret this phenomenon: Perhaps the dumper, in contrast to the sense of euphoria when he first left, has found it so scary out there in the single world that the security of the old love relationship looks good. Another interpretation is illustrated by dumpee anger "he made me the dumpee. Now he wants to make me the dumper, to share guilt!" Perhaps the best explanation comes from observing that the dumper comes back AROUND THE TIME THE DUMPEE IS "MAKING IT" SUCCESSFULLY.
The typical dumpee reaction is not to take the dumper back. Dumpees find that they can make it on their own, that being single has advantages, and that it feels good to experience the personal growth they have been experiencing. If you get the dumpee to talk long enough, you will learn what was wrong with the relationship. It is only during the first period of denioa that the dumpee maintains there was nothein wrong with the relationship. "Now I can see what was happening all those years! Besides, I don't see that much chnge and personal growth in ex, so why should I want the old relationship back?" At this point the dumper usually gets dumped!
Thanks for sharing this. I believe this has happened with STBXW. Like yesterday she started texing me and stuff. She sees I'm doing good and not miserable after the split and she feels the need to pull me back in. The psychology behind it all is crazy.
Thanks for sharing this. I believe this has happened with STBXW. Like yesterday she started texing me and stuff. She sees I'm doing good and not miserable after the split and she feels the need to pull me back in. The psychology behind it all is crazy.
Yes. It's all so clear to me now. It's crazy because she acts like she has been doing so much to show me that things will be different but she really hasn't. Is he going to IC? No. Even when asking for another chance she showers me with things like I hate you, you think you're GOD, blah blah blah.
It is so hard to leave something that is "comfortable", but sometimes it is necessary so that we can grow.
These connections can be formed with new people--and sometimes better, stronger connections will be formed once you leave your comfort zone and open yourself up to this change.
For a time, I was holding on so tightly to my relationship with my ex and I was so incredibly scared to let go. But, I am not really scared anymore. I look forward to forming a "new" connection.
Yesterday, those kids were having a blast working together and supporting each other to achieve their goals. I want that, and I know it can happen if I am open to it. There is really nothing to be scared about anymore.
Thank you for posting your deep throughs, jpr.
I really needed to read this today. I will be moving to a new place in a couple of weeks. My 8 year wedding anniversary is 6/21. I will probably be moving that weekend. Very sad and scared.
A friend texted me something that applies to the recent posts:
As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.
A good perspective to keep in mind.
When one door closes, others open. The challenge is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and taking those chances with other people. We need to remember what we have learned and never settle for less than we deserve.
A friend texted me something that applies to the recent posts:
As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.
A good perspective to keep in mind.
When one door closes, others open. The challenge is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and taking those chances with other people. We need to remember what we have learned and never settle for less than we deserve.
It is has been a little while....I have had a lot going on this week, and I have found that I haven't had a whole lot of time to sit and process what is happening in my life...
Some interesting things that occurred thiss week...
1. Tuesday....My ex called me up and asked if he could see our son for a little while in the evening. My ex sounded very very down, and I actually was worried about him. Our son was super crabby that evening, and I had to tell my ex that I thought it would be better if our son stayed home with me and got some sleep. My ex understood....but, he just sounded so deflated. After I hung up, I started to think....and my heart started to soften......so, I texted him and asked if he wanted to meet us for dinner later on. He immediately responded "Yes!"..and we went out to eat together. I haven't gone out to eat with him like that since January. Dinner was okay. We talked mostly about our son. It was good to talk about him and to make sure we are on the same page with parenting stuff. Dinner was okay...but, I don't think I will be doing anything like that soon.
2. Wednesday...Graduation at school. I love Graduation....love it. It is kind of a scary time for these kids. They are leaving the "familiarity", the "comfort", the "routine" of high school and they are embarking on a new journey. Usually, I just still so excited for them. This year, I sort of felt like I was one of them. I feel like I, too, am leaving the routine of married life, and I am starting a new life as a single mom. It is incredibly scary, but exhilerating too. Like those kids, I have the power to steer my life in a direction that I want to go. I am sort of just starting out ....like them. Even those I am 17 years older than them.
3. Friday...The anniversary of my brother's death was yesterday. 8 years. He committed suicide...so, it is hard day. bA good friend, though, gave me some pretty good advice. Sometimes I focus so much on the act of my brother's death, that I forget to celebrate his life. So, this year, I tried to focus on celebrating his life. ....thanks for that reminder, Canguy. You are the best.
I have been thinking about my brother a lot lately---especially since I have been seeing my ex-husband struggle so much. I am actually really concerned about him. I know that he is so very miserable. I know that the only thing that keeps him going is our son. So, I have been nicer to him than I normally would be. ...and, in turn, he has been pretty nice to me.
I just worry about him. He is seeing a lot of professionals for his mental issues. He is on all kinds of medication.
What has become of the man that I married?...it is just so sad to see this.
People tell me that it is not my job to save him.....but, I don't know. It is also so hard to watch someone go through this, knowing that there are things you could do to ease their pain.
....this is indeed very, very hard.
I am trying to move forward, but I can't seem to fully escape.
Sounds like you had a packed week, but good to know vacation's coming.
I'm glad I could help out regarding your brother. I can only imagine the emotions you had this week, but celebrating his life, I think, is also a way to not focus on a tragic moment in his life, but on his life as a whole. I'm sure there are many great moments to remember.
Quote:
What has become of the man that I married?...it is just so sad to see this.
People tell me that it is not my job to save him.....but, I don't know. It is also so hard to watch someone go through this, knowing that there are things you could do to ease their pain.
*snip*
I am trying to move forward, but I can't seem to fully escape.
I am sure you will always care about him, as I will always care for my ex. Right now, I don't think she is happy, she feels guilt (as I shared with you in a PM), I do believe there are issues in her past that she has not dealt with. Personally, I do not feel it is my job to save her.
We are in different situations, since my ex and I did not have kids. Your ex will always be part of your life in some way, and in your son's. However, although it is human to care, he is not your responsibility to fix, take care of or save. Careful careful there, Mrs. Fixit.
I'll ask you this... how would you see yourself helping him? What would you do? More importantly, what would/could you do that... 1) he cannot do himself, 2) his family cannot help with or 3) professionals are not already doing? Most likely, not much apart from offering the occasional word of support.
I'm not sure if this is part of it, but is there some part of you that wishes you could be a family again? Do you wish you could be with your ex again?
Or rather, is it that you want to move forward, have no hopes a future with him, but this necessary association/connection is like a ball and chain in your life sometimes... forcing you to always carry a part of your past instead of flying free?
Sometimes, compartmentalizing can help. Your ex will alway have a spot if your life, but a small one. The rest is all yours to explore and enjoy.
I'll ask you this... how would you see yourself helping him? What would you do? More importantly, what would/could you do that... 1) he cannot do himself, 2) his family cannot help with or 3) professionals are not already doing? Most likely, not much apart from offering the occasional word of support.
I'm not sure if this is part of it, but is there some part of you that wishes you could be a family again? Do you wish you could be with your ex again?
Or rather, is it that you want to move forward, have no hopes a future with him, but this necessary association/connection is like a ball and chain in your life sometimes... forcing you to always carry a part of your past instead of flying free?
Sometimes, compartmentalizing can help. Your ex will alway have a spot if your life, but a small one. The rest is all yours to explore and enjoy.
Simple, but not easy, as Conrad would might say.
How would I see myself helping him?....well, I can't really help him. That is not my job anymore. But, I feel like I can do small things that will ease his pain a bit.
For instance, I broke down and made him a greeting card from our son for Father's Day.
Also, I can make it clear to him that he can always request more time with our son if he feels he needs/wants it.
I can also reach out more and make him feel like he is more a part of our son's life. For instance, I really don't talk to him about what I am working on with our son. Right now,I am trying to get our son to say a few words "outside", "Bye bye", "milk". But, I haven't really involved my ex in this. We are co-parents. ...and I think that my aloofness has made him feel more like a babysitter than a "co-parent".
I don't let myself even think about whether I want to be with him anymore or not. It is simply not an option for me to be with him. It is not an option. So, I haven't really given it much thought...actually, I haven't given it any thought.
....but, I feel those "thoughts" of "what if" slowly creeping in.......I am trying to squash them and shoo them out of my brain because they are useless, worthless thoughts.
Were you trying to rescue him when you first got married?
I am not sure...maybe. I sort of always felt like it was my purpose in life to help make him a better person--to ground him, and teach him empathy for others and the world around him.
I am not sure...maybe. I sort of always felt like it was my purpose in life to help make him a better person--to ground him, and teach him empathy for others and the world around him.
that sounds so egotistical of me, doesn't it?
Sometimes, the view in the mirror isn't flattering.
But, far better to be awake so you can see it, even if it hurts.
857Likes
Re: This is hard. 
...and my heart started to soften...
...so, I texted him and asked if he wanted to meet us for dinner later on. He immediately responded "Yes!"..and we went out to eat together. I haven't gone out to eat with him like that since January. Dinner was okay. We talked mostly about our son. It was good to talk about him and to make sure we are on the same page with parenting stuff. Dinner was okay...but, I don't think I will be doing anything like that soon.
