jpr: When we first came to this site, all of us were facing unbelievable pain, feeling like the world was going to end. I think we are all in a better place today although we face relapses along the way. I like this: It is sort of fun to reinvent yourself. That has so much truth in it. I feel like a different person now. Today I saw STBXW and didn't feel anything for her. I felt sadness for her. Because I know she will realize she made a mistake. That her new friends and GNOs are not going to last and are not reasons to end your marriage. You're right, it's fun to reinvent yourself and in some cases (like in my case) to find yourself again. I lost myself in this relationship and now I see myself in the mirror .... AGAIN.
jpr: When we first came to this site, all of us were facing unbelievable pain, feeling like the world was going to end. I think we are all in a better place today although we face relapses along the way. I like this: It is sort of fun to reinvent yourself. That has so much truth in it. I feel like a different person now. Today I saw STBXW and didn't feel anything for her. I felt sadness for her. Because I know she will realize she made a mistake. That her new friends and GNOs are not going to last and are not reasons to end your marriage. You're right, it's fun to reinvent yourself and in some cases (like in my case) to find yourself again. I lost myself in this relationship and now I see myself in the mirror .... AGAIN.
Yes!...I know that wonderful feeling of seeing your ex and feeling nothing. absolutely nothing. It is amazing.
For a time, I wanted him to realize his mistake and to suffer this agonizing heartache that I felt. But, now....no, not so much. I simply don't care. I just don't care. If he won the lottery tomorrow and became a millionaire, I would not feel any bitterness or jealous....and if his girlfriend broke his heart tomorrow, I would feel no satisfaction. I am just done.
I have a feeling that his girlfriend is flying in for a visit this weekend and next week. ...and I don't really care...at all. Really and truly.
I never thought I would be at this place. I never thought I would get over the heartache.
Yes ... life goes on. As more and more days passed I'm starting to see this whole ordeal as an opportunity to start anew, to live the life I was meant to live. I'm happy you are feeling this way now. Hope things keep getting better for you and your boy.
JPR, I admire you a lot. We have some things in common (previous post about professor/academia connection), but you've had it so much tougher taking care of a baby. My little guy is 9 and it's tough, but not as tough as what you're going through. I'm getting to the place you're at, but I'm not quite there yet. I'm finally getting my anger out towards my ex. I'm pretty sure I'd be really p!ssed at karma if ex won the lottery right now, LOL. But that anger is helping me take the steps I need to go forward and to fight for what DS and I deserve in the divorce settlement. I see that as healthy anger.
And I totally know what you mean about reinventing yourself. I took my vows so seriously that I purposely didn't make male friends when I was with ex (though I didn't get the same courtesy from him). Now I feel like when I was in college! I'm finding out that yes, I can still flirt, and yes, guys will even flirt back! The latter is a pretty big shock for me, as ex did quite a number on my view of myself as a woman.
One way we're different, though, is that even though ex and I are still legally married, once he got it through my head that he. is. done. with the marriage, I felt like there was no marriage except in the legal sense. He made it clear that one of the reasons he wanted to split was specifically to 'experience' other women, and he ridiculed my faithfulness to him when he was ill and depressed as being a sign of codependency instead of my love for him and fidelity to our vows. So, now that he's headlong into another relationship already, I have no problem thinking about dating. In fact, I'm in the process of arranging a first date with the second guy in a week. Rawr! (The first was coffee at lunch time and isn't going anywhere. I'm still waiting for a cutie to, um, have more than coffee with. ) I hope you'll let yourself out of your self-imposed 'vow of chastity' (LOL) and not wait til your divorce is final. Life is too short, girl!!
I so wish that I was as far along as you guys. I'm not even at the anger stage much less detached and feeling nothing. How do you do it? I'm very happy for you jpr, Angelpixie, and Lifescript. It gives me hope.
I will say this though, I may still want my husband back, but I'm really ready to flirt and get some response. Not ready to date but some flirty male attention would be really nice!
Angel... I know what you mean about the anger and fighting for a fair divorce settlement. I was there...and at the time, I think the anger really helped me get a fair settlement. Money is tight, but I think that I will ultimately be good. I am able to refinance my house at a much lower rate, and I think I may be able to afford a new-used car soon. But, the anger really was important in the divorce proceedings. ...really. I am generally sort of a pushover and I will sacrifice my own comfort for others--but, I really stepped up and fought for what was fair. A little bit of anger is good.
Also, thanks for your kind words. But,my life is pretty great. Sure, my house is a perpetual mess, and I often fall asleep sitting up watching tv at night...but, my life is wonderful. I have so many blessings.
Cantmove-- for me, I eventually just got tired of being sad all the time. I cried all the time. ...and I didn't want to cry around my son all the time. So, instead of being sad, I got angry. But, then I became bitter and I got tried of being bitter. I got tired of wishing for things to be different...I got tired of constantly thinking about how I had been wronged and how things "should be" different. For Lent, I gave up the "could haves" and "should bes"...every time my mind would go there, I would hold up a mental stop sign and yell "STOP!" in my brain. ...and I would try to think of something else or say a prayer for someone else. It was really really hard, and I wasn't always successful. But, it worked! I retrained my brain.
But, I believe it worked because I was at a place where I was just done. I was just done trying and caring and I WANTED so badly to be healthy, happy, and optimistic again.
You have to process these feelings though,and you can't force yourself to be happy.
...oh...the firefighter is back in the country. He texted me as soon as he got off the plane. uh-oh! ....and I have a date for Wednesday night lined up with someone else. ...whhaatt?
Am I really doing this? ....I guess so.
You inspired me, Angelpixie. So, if it blows up in my face it is all your fault.
Angel... I know what you mean about the anger and fighting for a fair divorce settlement. I was there...and at the time, I think the anger really helped me get a fair settlement. Money is tight, but I think that I will ultimately be good. I am able to refinance my house at a much lower rate, and I think I may be able to afford a new-used car soon. But, the anger really was important in the divorce proceedings. ...really. I am generally sort of a pushover and I will sacrifice my own comfort for others--but, I really stepped up and fought for what was fair. A little bit of anger is good.
Also, thanks for your kind words. But,my life is pretty great. Sure, my house is a perpetual mess, and I often fall asleep sitting up watching tv at night...but, my life is wonderful. I have so many blessings.
Cantmove-- for me, I eventually just got tired of being sad all the time. I cried all the time. ...and I didn't want to cry around my son all the time. So, instead of being sad, I got angry. But, then I became bitter and I got tried of being bitter. I got tired of wishing for things to be different...I got tired of constantly thinking about how I had been wronged and how things "should be" different. For Lent, I gave up the "could haves" and "should bes"...every time my mind would go there, I would hold up a mental stop sign and yell "STOP!" in my brain. ...and I would try to think of something else or say a prayer for someone else. It was really really hard, and I wasn't also successful. But, it worked! I retrained my brain.
But, I believe it worked because I was at a place where I was just done. I was just done trying and caring and I WANTED so badly to be healthy, happy, and optimistic again.
You have to process these feelings though,and you can't force yourself to be happy.
Well done girl. That's exactly where I am. I am sick and tired of being brought down by others. I'm tired of bearing the burden of other's actions. I am tired of worrying about situations I have no control over. You get to a point where you are just tired of it.
It took me a little while and a little help from my friends to realise what I needed to do. I needed to concentrate on myself for a change. I have done that, I have had some "me" time and spent some money on me (are you listening Mama). Did I benefit from this? Absolutely but more importantly, the kids did as well. They saw a happy Dad and it assured them that I was ok.
...oh...the firefighter is back in the country. He texted me as soon as he got off the plane. uh-oh! ....and I have a date for Wednesday night lined up with someone else. ...whhaatt?
You do realise that if you date this guy, you will suffer all the old "how big is his hose" jokes on TAM
Same boat as a lot of you folks. I literally starting getting bored with myself being sad all the time. There is choice you have to make in your head to move on.
We choose to be sad and we can choose to not be sad. I think a lot of people here, that are struggling, tend to forget that.
Same boat as a lot of you folks. I literally starting getting bored with myself being sad all the time. There is choice you have to make in your head to move on.
We choose to be sad and we can choose to not be sad. I think a lot of people here, that are struggling, tend to forget that.
Our minds are amazing things. I think some of us, though, don't have as much control over our own thinking as others.
I am very fortunate that I don't suffer from clinical depression or horrible anxiety. ...and I am fortunate that I was able to "retrain" my brain in this way. There are some people who just can't do that.....and then there are others who just don't want to do that. I think that sometimes some people want to stay sad and angry and bitter--because in a way, they may think it makes them a good person--a martyr maybe? It might serve as proof to them about how much they loved their spouse. I don't know...I am hypothesizing.
I loved my ex-husband at one time with all of my heart and all of my soul....and I held onto that love for so long. ...but, there eventually came a point in time where it just wasn't worth it anymore.
857Likes
Re: This is hard. 
(The first was coffee at lunch time and isn't going anywhere. I'm still waiting for a cutie to, um, have more than coffee with. 
) I hope you'll let yourself out of your self-imposed 'vow of chastity' (LOL) and not wait til your divorce is final. Life is too short, girl!!
uh-oh! ....and I have a date for Wednesday night lined up with someone else. ...whhaatt? 
....I guess so. 
