...oh...the firefighter is back in the country. He texted me as soon as he got off the plane. uh-oh! ....and I have a date for Wednesday night lined up with someone else. ...whhaatt?
Am I really doing this? ....I guess so.
You inspired me, Angelpixie. So, if it blows up in my face it is all your fault.
Oh, seriously -- a kilt-wearing firefighter?!? If you don't make a date with him, I will! My mantra is: if this one doesn't work out, it's not your fault; there's always another chance (especially if you're not limiting yourself to only one guy, LOL). Keep us updated!
I had a bit a rough day yesterday. A few too many reminders of my ex. It was one of those "two steps forward, one step back" days where you're still ahead by one step. So that's a good thing.
Oh, seriously -- a kilt-wearing firefighter?!? If you don't make a date with him, I will! My mantra is: if this one doesn't work out, it's not your fault; there's always another chance (especially if you're not limiting yourself to only one guy, LOL). Keep us updated!
Seriously. Yes. ...and he wanted to come over last night as soon as his plane landed. I turned him down. Even though I had a conversation with him about me not wanting anything serious right now, I sort of get the impression that he will take whatever he can get and hold out hope that it turns into something more. He went through a long separation and divorce with his ex, and I think his heart was trampled on during the process. So, I want to be careful with him. He is so nice--but, I am not sure if he is a right match for me. I was soooooo tempted to let him come over, though. He just came back from a week long surf vacation--so, I am sure he was all scruffy and tan and sexy.
blah.
I missed my chance.
I am sort of cursed with being the type of girl you take home to your mother.---and right now, I just want to be the type of girl you have fun with.
...but, maybe that is just not possible for me to be that? ...maybe that just isn't who I am?
One of these days, I am just going to stop thinking about things so much and just give into my impulses.
I had a bit a rough day yesterday. A few too many reminders of my ex. It was one of those "two steps forward, one step back" days where you're still ahead by one step. So that's a good thing.
Back on track today.
"Your momma said you'll have days like this....you'll have days like this, your momma said"
I am sorry. I haven't had too many days like that lately. Many a few moments, but, luckily, they have passed quickly.
The thing about time is, that it passes. ...and there is always a new day to look forward to. (if you are lucky!)
Well....I don't know. I am thinking that I am going to need to put the brakes on all this dating stuff. ...at least with the firefighter. On paper, it is all hot and sexy and amazing. But, in reality....this just isn't me. I KNOW that we are not a match. ...and I know myself...the longer that I let this go,the harder and harder it is going to be for me to make a clean break.
Also, all this attention is a lot of fun, but I can't help but feel guilty about it. My thinking lately has been very self-absorbed, and that does not make me feel good about myself. I ran across this George Bernard Shaw quote this weekend:
"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.
I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no "brief candle" for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."
I have always sort of viewed my life as a service. Sure, my ex-husband was sort of a jerk and he sort of treated me badly and didn't really value me--but, I sort thought that gave me purpose. Who else was going to love him like I did? Who else was going to put up with his moodiness? Who else was going to make him a better person? ...ground him?
While, I now see that way of thinking as totally absurd. I also know that I am the type of person who needs to feel needed in this world. I need to have a purpose. ...and while I miss companionship and love and SEX and intimacy, I also miss giving myself to others. Throughout this whole journey, I have been so focused on myself and my pain. I am coming out of this pain....and I find myself trying to find ways to make myself happy. ...only focusing on myself. I see myself trying to get attention from the opposite sex as an attempt to fill that void in my life and make myself happy. ---but, I know myself. That will not ultimately make me happy. It will actually just complicate my life.
I think I have a little more work to do. I need to refocus and re-identify my true purpose.
...I don't know. These are just my incoherent ramblings for tonight. ...maybe I am just taking everything too seriously and thinking about this too much.
I have always sort of viewed my life as a service. Sure, my ex-husband was sort of a jerk and he sort of treated me badly and didn't really value me--but, I sort thought that gave me purpose. Who else was going to love him like I did? Who else was going to put up with his moodiness? Who else was going to make him a better person? ...ground him?
While, I now see that way of thinking as totally absurd. I also know that I am the type of person who needs to feel needed in this world. I need to have a purpose. ...and while I miss companionship and love and SEX and intimacy, I also miss giving myself to others.
Do you know how many men, myself included, would give twenty years off their lives to be worthy of a wife like this? You are a rare treasure sweet lady. Don't be down on yourself.
I think it's very wise of you to put on the brakes. Seems like you are looking for a deeper connection, with both yourself and someone else. That, in my mind, is the key to fulfillment, peace and happiness...
not to mentioned a whole lotta fun on a whole lotta levels.
You're not overthinking, jpr. When someone has become their 'role' (in your case, wife) the self disappears. What we are all doing as part of our recovery is taking care of our selves. It feels so weird to us because we weren't doing it before. I know exactly what you mean -- my husband, his needs, his illness, etc., were my life -- even overshadowing my son a lot of the time -- and certainly overshadowing me. I thought if I was indispensable he'd have to love me. No -- he was able to 'dispense' with me anyway.
Knowing that you want to be of service in your life is great. It's not in opposition to having a companion and/or lover. I've been reading a LOT of books on development of the self, and unfortunately, a big thing that happens in spouses who had relationships like ours is the 'dis-integration' of the self. We split off the wife, the mom, the employee, the adult child of our parents, etc., and the actual core of who we are -- the jpr, the angelpixie -- is shoved down so far that we forget who we are, if we ever really got a chance to find out.
Don't feel guilty for looking into yourself and taking care of yourself. It's part of your healing. It's also wise for you to consider that attention from men could possibly be a way to fill an emptiness. Could be. But maybe you're just someone who doesn't like a solitary lifestyle.
Investigate and challenge everything: your religious beliefs, your political beliefs, your beliefs about yourself, everything. Learn what is really you, and what you think you 'should' do or be because of what you had drummed into your head.
You can't really even serve in a healthy way unless you are yourself whole and healthy. So, take this time and get to know you and take care of you.
Wao, love your post angelpixie. Very insightful. JPR, I think your gut is telling you something here about moving forward dating the fireman. It's telling you nooo. Follow your gut. Based on your comments, I don't think he's the guy for you. But don't you worry, you'll find the guy or most likely he will find you. Nice ladies like you don't stay alone for too long.
I agree with both bandit, angelpixie and lifescript.
There is no rush. You are an amazing woman with such a great combination of sensitivity, fun, honesty, empathy, love, caring, intelligence, beauty... I could go on. A lucky man who find his way into your life will thinks he's hit the jackpot, and he's be right.
As I move forward in my life, I would consider myself very fortunate to meet someone like you. I'm sure many of the guys here would agree.
It need great to share your journey through the pain in getting to a better place. It is an amazing feeling, isn't it? I have no worries about you... you're landing on your feet and will be stronger than ever.
Thanks so much everyone, for taking the time to respond. I am going to think about your comments today.
Bandit--man oh man! You always give the best compliments. I don't believe anyone has ever said anything like that before. Thank you....but, I have a lot of flaws. This process has really made me identify my weakness and failings--and, conversely, it has really helped me find my strengths.
I would graciously accept a date with you if you asked, Canguy.
....any girl would be crazy not too!
on a side note-- I was dreaming right before my alarm went off. In my dream, I was sitting in my parent's living room with my ex and his other woman. We were watching a friend's wedding video on tv. My ex's other woman was going on and on about how beautiful my friend's wedding dress was in the video. Then, she turned to a picture of me in my wedding dress hanging on my parents wall and commented that mine was very pretty too, and that she bet I had a beautiful wedding. In my dream,I just got up and left the room and muttered,"Yes, it was very beautiful. But that all doesn't matter anymore,does it?".
Angelpixie-- I REALLY like what you wrote. I am going to think about your words a while. They were very helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this.
Today was sort of a rough day for me....it was weird. I was really feeling very emotional when my ex picked up my son from me this morning. I cried when he left, and I haven't done that in a while. But, I wasn't crying about my ex. I was crying because of my son. How my son looked at me this morning....and how he smiled his beautiful smile with his big beautiful eyes when I told him how much I loved him. ...my heart just melted, and I sobbed as I went into the house.
This is my ex's weekend with my son, and I guess I was just feeling emotional because I am worried about screwing up my son's life with this divorce...and I am worried that I will not be good enough for my son. I am raising him pretty much on my own. I am in charge of everything about him. My ex just keeps him every other weekend...so, he does not have much influence on my son. I am it. There is so much pressure. I know that I am doing a good job, but sometimes I just get a little bit sad for my son. I hate that he is going to have to get carted back and forth for the rest of his childhood.
And I HATE giving up time with my son.
blah.
But, I know I need this time to re-charge my battery and get ready for another fun-filled, non-stop, two weeks!
....but, I am going to miss having my pre-bedtime dance party with my son tonight.
Today was sort of a rough day for me....it was weird. I was really feeling very emotional when my ex picked up my son from me this morning. I cried when he left, and I haven't done that in a while. But, I wasn't crying about my ex. I was crying because of my son. How my son looked at me this morning....and how he smiled his beautiful smile with his big beautiful eyes when I told him how much I loved him. ...my heart just melted, and I sobbed as I went into the house.
This is my ex's weekend with my son, and I guess I was just feeling emotional because I am worried about screwing up my son's life with this divorce...and I am worried that I will not be good enough for my son. I am raising him pretty much on my own. I am in charge of everything about him. My ex just keeps him every other weekend...so, he does not have much influence on my son. I am it. There is so much pressure. I know that I am doing a good job, but sometimes I just get a little bit sad for my son. I hate that he is going to have to get carted back and forth for the rest of his childhood.
And I HATE giving up time with my son.
blah.
But, I know I need this time to re-charge my battery and get ready for another fun-filled, non-stop, two weeks!
....but, I am going to miss having my pre-bedtime dance party with my son tonight.
Let me get this straight... that POS took your baby on Mother's Day weekend? Are you f*cking kidding me?
Big Psychic Bandit Hug flying through the ether to you now....
857Likes
Re: This is hard. 
uh-oh! ....and I have a date for Wednesday night lined up with someone else. ...whhaatt? 
....I guess so. 
Good for you!
Even though I had a conversation with him about me not wanting anything serious right now, I sort of get the impression that he will take whatever he can get and hold out hope that it turns into something more. He went through a long separation and divorce with his ex, and I think his heart was trampled on during the process. So, I want to be careful with him. He is so nice--but, I am not sure if he is a right match for me. I was soooooo tempted to let him come over, though. He just came back from a week long surf vacation--so, I am sure he was all scruffy and tan and sexy. 
