Okay...so, I guess I just need to vent a little bit.
My husband left me and my infant son in October for a much younger girl. My son is now 15 months old. After trying my darnest to hold on to this marriage and family for so long, I finally feel like I am done. Just done. I am no longer bitter, heartbroken...I don't cry uncontrollably at the drop of a hat anymore.
Emotionally, I really feel like I am in a good place. And, I know that I am much better off than some people. I am able to keep my house. I am refinancing it in my name this week, and I am actually able to lower the payment. Money is tight, and I need a new car (badly) but I am making it okay. And, I am able to handle my money pretty well.
I am so exhausted. It is hard working full time and raising my son all on my own. My family lives 1000 miles away. My stbxh just gets my son every other weekend. ...and I am very thankful that he doesn't want more time with him.
But, I can handle it. The exhaustion is not the hardest part. ...and now that I don't have the constant heartache to contend with, I am in a much better place. I am so very thankful that the excruciating and debilitating heartache has subsided.
But, right now, I feel like things are so hard because I don't have anyone to share my son's milestones with. When he said his first word, no one else was around--it was just me. When he does something so incredibly cute that I just can't stand it, no one else is there to share it with--it is just me. When I take him to the park, I see all the other families with their toddlers--Mom AND Dad in tow--and there we are by ourselves. Just him and me (...and sometimes our dog).
It is just hard. It is a strange way, I almost feel like my son is sort of being cheated out of this special time...and I am sort of getting cheated out of it too. It is just me, my son, and our dog. Most of the time, I am okay and very fulfilled with that. But, sometimes (like right now) I just wish I had someone else around that I could laugh with when my son does a goofy thing. I just wish that I had someone who could share this special time with me. I don't really need help with anything. I can take care of things on my own. I just often wish that there was someone else around that could share in this wonderful little life I have. ...because it is pretty wonderful.
blah.
Sorry. I just had a little pity party for myself. Had to get that out of my system. I know I have a lot to be thankful for ultimately. ....I feel badly whining, but I just had to get that out of my system.
That's not whining, JPR. You have every right to feel that way. I don't know if this will be any help or not, but as I was reading your post I thought that maybe one thing you could do is document everything your son is doing as much as you are able so that you can share it with him when he gets older.
That is a good idea,OldGirl! I actually try to do that as much as possible and I share it with my family who lives out of town.
I take videos constantly and post them on my channel on YouTube for my family--so, that helps to make me sort of feel like they are also sharing in my son's growth. Money is tight, so I really only have money to fly home to see my parents and sister maybe 1 or 2 times a year. So, I try to post as many videos as I can.
....unfortunately, I recently looked that the analytics on my YouTube channel and I noticed that my STBXH's girlfriend must be a regular visitor to my YouTube channel. She lives out West, and her state has shown up on my analytics on my channel. So, I assume that she is viewing the videos.
blah.
That stinks, because I really don't want her to be ANY part of my son's life. But, I also know that I have no control over that. So, at this point, whatever. It doesn't matter. ...but, honestly, it still irks me a little--just a little.
I know I am lucky, Bandit. That is why I feel poopy whining.
Maybe the next lucky lady you settle down with will have a child---or maybe you will find a younger woman and have a child of your own!
I have a feeling you would make a great dad. I think you might find a lot of fulfillment from getting involved with Boy Scouts. ...or maybe even adventure counseling for troubled youth. I think some of those kids need someone like you to smack them upside the head with a 2x4...in a loving way, of course!
I want more children, and it was a struggle to get pregnant for me. (I am now 35 years old, and we tried for about 4-5 years). ...so, I know it is unlikely that I will have another child now. I would really like to foster or adopt an older child in a few years. I teach high school, and I feel like I would be a really good foster mom or adoptive mom to an older child. It is something that I have also sort of felt a calling for.
It's really hard dealing with the 'new normal' you have to create for your child. I have a 2.5 yr old girl and a 5yr old boy. The hardest part for me was letting go of the dream of the family I thought I would have (letting go of STBXH was the easy part). My little girl doesn't notice a difference and I am so thankful. She is young enough that this is her normal now. My son however, he notices and it breaks my heart. I wish all of this would have happened 2 yrs ago when he younger so it wouldn't affect him so much. I know it's hard, but be thankful for little guy is young and he will adapt well to his new normal. Don't dwell on the things he doesn't have - he's got you (and his dog) and he doesn't know he's missing anything...and really he's NOT missing anything!
...I have to share this funny story today (...well, somewhat funny--it is partly heartbreaking too).
My sister in law is supposed to get married in about a week. She has been emailing me and we have been corresponding. She told me that her fiance was experiencing some cold feet and that they were having some problems. I really felt badly for her, and I tried to encourage her to seek counseling and I sent her some relationship books that I recommended. (like most of you, I have read almost every relationship book out there). Anyway, I found out today that the wedding has been cancelled.
My STBXH emailed me the news. I felt absolutely horrible for my sister in law, and my heart is breaking for her. I responded to my STBXH's email with my condolences. He wrote me back and said the following...
"Yes, I feel awful too. I don't know what to do for her. Perhaps I will send a gift card to Cold Stone Creamery".
What?! I couldn't help but laugh out loud at that. That is absurd! Ha. In the past, I was always the one to ground my STBXH and guide him and encourage him on appropriate ways to show compassion for other human beings. (...and I would always apologize on his behalf when he did absurd things like send ice cream gift cards to people when their weddings were cancelled). But, now, all I can do laugh. I responded and asked if he was serious about sending her a gift card for ice cream. ...and I said if it were my sister, then I would still fly out there next weekend just to be with her in her time of need. I probably shouldn't have even bothered responding--but, I do feel so badly for his sister.
I wonder where my ice cream gift card is? ?? My heart was ripped into a gazillion little pieces a few months ago, and I never got an ice cream.
I know I am lucky, Bandit. That is why I feel poopy whining.
Maybe the next lucky lady you settle down with will have a child---or maybe you will find a younger woman and have a child of your own!
I have a feeling you would make a great dad. I think you might find a lot of fulfillment from getting involved with Boy Scouts. ...or maybe even adventure counseling for troubled youth. I think some of those kids need someone like you to smack them upside the head with a 2x4...in a loving way, of course!
I want more children, and it was a struggle to get pregnant for me. (I am now 35 years old, and we tried for about 4-5 years). ...so, I know it is unlikely that I will have another child now. I would really like to foster or adopt an older child in a few years. I teach high school, and I feel like I would be a really good foster mom or adoptive mom to an older child. It is something that I have also sort of felt a calling for.
I was going to say pretty much the same thing to Bandit w/ or get w/ a woman with many children .
JPR, I have had friends that once they had one child the next pregnancies became easier... maybe you will find a good many soon and be able to give your son someone to play with.
When my STBXH were together, I always sent out the birthday, anniversary, congratulations, get well, sympathy, yada yada yada cards and presents. WTH is he going to do now? He has no idea what the important dates are for his family!
I feel for you about sharing milestones. It's so hard not to have someone to share them with, someone to laugh with about the silly things! Yes, post your kid stories on here! Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, apparently gift cards to Cold Stone Creamery should be used to commemorate somber occasions. hahahaha. That still cracks me up!
How did I put up with such an emotionally detached man for so long?! ...and to think...just one year ago he was lecturing me about how unemotional I am....and how detached I was for other people.
I feel like my eyes are so wide open right now, and I am finally seeing things as they really are. It is an amazing feeling.
...On a happier note:
Here is the cute 'share' story for today: I bought my son a little watering can for him. I like to spend a like of time outside, and I have a pretty big vegetable garden out back. So, tonight I was watering some flowers and veggie plants. My son was looking at me do this...staring intently at me as I did this. So, I filled up his little toy watering can with water. He then picked it up and started following me around the yard and helping me water my plants. It was super cute, and I loved it! Just like mommy.
....then, we came in and danced our butts off to some 80's pop music and went to bed. This has been a good day!
....although, I do feel so badly for my sister in law.
I havent read through all the posts so this idea might already be out there, but try keeping a pad of post it notes and a mason jar handy, everytime Mr. Man says or does something cute, right it down and put it in the jar. Go through them occassionally a reminisce (sp?). Also, if someone is watching your sons videos that you wish would not, you could always post a "special" video just for her. Freak her out a bit!
857Likes
This is hard. 
