I would like to thank everybody on this site who helped me get through my divorce. This is an amazing resource for anybody going through marriage problems. I’d like to give back and share my story.
Yesterday my divorce was legally finalized. I was married for 6 years, together with her for 13 years and separated for 9 months. My wife left because she wanted independence from being in a relationship. A lot of craziness happened from when she left, ironically July 4th, until now. For months before our separation and during it she was emotionally withdrawn and distant. Yesterday was different.
Yesterday, the girl I fell in love with was quite shaken up and emotional. Not as emotional as me, but if you knew us you would expect that. Anyway she was hesitant with ending things yesterday and was very empathetic about our plight. Throughout our separation we’ve been on good terms, I was never angry with her or resentful, just sad. Yesterday she told me it wasn’t me and it never was me, it was us either. She said she was sorry it ended how it did. We both know we can never go back to what we had, everything has been tainted. We can only fondly remember the past and move on into the future. She ended the day with telling me “she was mourning the loss of a future” I responded with “May the future we lost make way for the future of our dreams.”
My divorce made me an emotional mess. It was the most trying time in my life and I lost my love and best friend. But I realize things happened the way they did and there’s no going back now. I must accept the present and make the most of each moment. I have control over my live and I cannot let the past hold me back. I have a loving family and many great friends that have been there to support me during this life-changing event. I will always have great respect for my ex and will always think fondly of her, but I must let her go. The time to do that is now. It’s up to me to make things better and I know I will.
Good luck moving forward. She left because she wanted independence -- did you ever find out if she was seeing other guys? Today, I find myself in a sad state of mind grieving the loss of the intact family I had, a person I trusted and confided in. I wish my divorce was final like yours. Her actions shows you that she is now coming to the realization that she made a mistake -- but it's too late now.
Lifescript: She was with others and it was very difficult to accept. I myself am still in a sad state grieving just as you are. It is a very difficult thing to go through. The loss of your best friend and love, for all of that to be ripped from you and to realize you have no control of the external is an unimaginable shock for anyone. I still go through the "what if's" and thoughts of how it could have been. But I must accept what has happened. I also think how all the time I spent with her is just a memory, my memory. If I share the good times I've had with her with others, such as travel experiences, I have to omit her. It's a really hard thing to do, but how else can I get by? The pain and sadness comes in waves and will continue for some time. I am not sure if I will ever stop feeling the love I have for her, but I must move on. I wish you well during this difficult time and remember you aren't as alone as you feel. Others are going through the exact same thing, feeling the same way you do.
I wish you the best. You seem to have a clear head, even considering the weight your heart holds.
You seem to have accepted it, and that is the battle.
If you can briefly detail how you moved through the grieving process, I'd appreciate it. I am stuck. Or moving very, very slowly. Maybe because we have young children. Maybe because there weren't extenuating circumstances, or arguing, abuse, etc. during the marriage. Rather, we're best friends with children.
It's amazing to see how numerous people vary in their recovery. Sometimes, it happens a lot quicker than for others.
Jayb: Thank you for your thoughts. As for me accepting things I am torn. I know what I must do, what I must accept. I understand it's not healthy for me to dwell in the past and to hold on to that which is truly lost. However, I find myself daily quite sad and reminiscing about the past. I do slip into phases where I don't believe it's true and I wonder to myself when she'll come back. When will she stop the silly games. But I realize that's irrational.
My ex and I had a fairytale relationship and marriage. We traveled to 22 countries together, backpacked for 8 months around the world. Hardly fought and were always excited to be together. Then she went back to college and things went down hill. It's hard to realize how two people who work so well together then and now have to end things. That's what I keep going back to. Then I realistically look at the chaos that has ensued and realize what we had is gone forever and is never coming back. We cannot have the relationship we use to have.
I believe me slipping into thinking and holding on to the past isn't respectful to my new relationship. I need to stop missing what is lost and appreciate what is. I just take it one breath after one breath. I don't fight the sadness, but I try not to encourage it either. Many people recommend to get out, do things and mostly distract yourself. For me it helped much more to just be with the sorrow and pain. To feel how I feel and to sit with it, not running away. Confronting my fears and feelings allowed me to better understand myself and helped me realize how strong I am.
Jellybeans: Thank you for all your support. You've been very helpful throughout this process.
NT: Your situation is inspirational to those of us who will be shortly following in your footsteps. I, too, am destined for what you have just gone through. Like you, I am now fastly in the process of losing what I felt was the most trusted friend that I had ever known, all because of a sudden change of priorities on her part primarily because monetary wealth came to have a far greater meaning in her life than did love.
God does not make any certain promises to us when we enter this world, or when we fall in love with someone who so richly exemplifies the utopian ideal of love. Like you, I'm so very hurt, but even more than that, I'm totally bewildered by the turn of events.
In being "single" again and in time, you definitely deserve to find that person who will come to love you with all of their heart, soul and spirit; and that's what I'm wishing for you. And additionally, it is my wish that you'll stay here with us on TAM and offer counsel to those of us who are fastly standing in the shadow of those footsteps of yours!
May God richly bless you, my friend! Peace always!
She just wanted something new. Going back to school she met someone who provided her with the "new" and the challenge she was looking for. Since we'd been together for 13 years, I was no longer the challenge she wanted. She also felt like she had missed out on being with others and experiencing relationships with others. The guy she met challenged her beliefs, her understandings and her philosophy about life. In the end, she realized he was manipulating her to get what he wanted. But, during the manipulation she went with it every step of the way.
Two days after our date with the magistrate she moved from the east coast to the west to live with her boyfriend. She was reconnected with him through facebook and now she's decided to leave her family to be with him and to start a new life.
I don't know if she's happy, but she's doing what she thinks she wants/needs to do. She did turn down a lot of employment opportunities to move, she's also going to miss a lot of life changes her sister is going through. I did realize from this whole experience that she's very selfish and seems to continue to be so. I wish her all the happiness in life and hope she is able to settle soon.