Does this call for a 180? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-01-2012, 04:26 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 30
Does this call for a 180?

Before I get started I just wanted to say everyone on this site thank you. Thank you for being the team of support to always listen. It helps tremendously.

I will try to summarize my story (in as short form as possible) and ask for guidance from all of you in this extremely difficult and stressful time of my life. Here goes.........

Since my wife told me she did not have that "spouse feeling" "Intimate feeling" "that connection to feeling like she can't wait to see me feeling" (about 7 weeks ago) I have been down in the dumps. There is no other guy (been there done that conversation and stalking to the max). That's not it.

Throughout this mess I lost a bunch of weight, hard to get food down, working out and not knowing who I am anymore. I have read many of the topics here and many of the other places on the web. I am trying so very hard to really do the 180 but not sure if thats the solution. It may be I don't know. Hear me out first. I go through everyday convincing myself that everything is going to be OK one minute, to anxiety ridden throughout the day the next minute. I see a therapist weekly and have been to my Doctor twice over the past month. I made the decision to not take any meds. I have obsessive thinking and the thought of her with someone else rips me to shreds. I stuck it out at home for the past 4-5 weeks and have been a Saint. Nothing has worked. We talk alot about the situation but my wife is not ready to work on the marriage. She wants a break. Period. Loves me but doesn't feel it right now. She is 39 going on 40, lost a bunch of weight and has some confidence (sounds like the same story you hear on many of the topics on this site)

I have an apartment and move in 2 weeks. Took a 6 month lease (in hopes things change for the better) and it feels like I'm going into a 180 day jail sentence. Doing it but my heart is at home with my wife and son. My son is 7 and this breaks my heart to leave but know I have to so that she can get the break she wants. She has her first appointment with a therapist next week. Maybe it helps to get to why she is feeling this way or maybe it works against me even more. I just don't know. I love my wife so much that I will do ANYTHING but I know it is not me and there is nothing I can do. I want to be the "good guy" through this separation and let her know how much I love her and my son and will do anything I can to get through this. I know I can't do it alone though. It takes both of us to want it. Not just me.

Since being home and trying to give space being in the same house, she interprets that as me being mad or something's wrong. When I am vocal she shuts down. I cannot win no matter how I act.
She is obsessed with my 7 yr old son and he has slept in bed with her since he was born. I feel like the child for many years. Sad.

My questions are these.............

1. When you love so much it hurts and your separating to "give things a break for a while" does this call for a 180?
2. Would the 180 be hypocritical since I said to my wife I love her and will be there to get our family through this while "we see what happens" or "what the time apart does"?
3. Is the only way I heal is to do the 180 knowing I may never be going back home?

I know the 180 is not to win her back and not thinking that way at all. Just not sure what personality type I become.

Thanks everyone.


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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-01-2012, 05:19 PM
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 387
Re: Does this call for a 180?

Your situation definitely calls for a controlled separation.

Give her the space she needs and don't pester her.

But make sure you both understand this is a 6 month break to sort it out, not an excuse to go out and date and sleep with others.

I know you said you did your homework and you're sure there's no one else but how can you be 100% sure? In cases like this there is usually someone else. Sometimes cheaters can be very good at covering their tracks, especially if they know they're being watched.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-01-2012, 07:04 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 30
Re: Does this call for a 180?

Thanks for the reply. I don't think any of us can ever be 100% sure so your right. All I can do is go by what I was able to find out via phone logs and believing her over and over that there is no one else. She see's the anxiety and stress this is causing and I do believe her about that. All I can go by based on knowing her 15 years. In any event, I hope the separation helps and I can stop the anxiety and get a hold on my life. It is so hard to move on and give space being the one that is attached. But, I will do why I have to do. So do you think this is a 180 that's needed?

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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-02-2012, 12:37 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: East Coast
Posts: 2,737
Re: Does this call for a 180?

my wife is not ready to work on the marriage - RED FLAG

She wants a break. Period. Loves me but doesn't feel it right now - RED FLAG

She is 39 going on 40 - MLC RED FLAG!

lost a bunch of weight and has some confidence - RED FLAG

While she may not now be actively involved in an affair, I suspect that there's someone she's interested in and is waiting for you to leave the residence before persuing to see if it will work. She has basically told you "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" (ILYBNILWY). This is a classic line from the cheaters handbook

I would recommend that you set-up a keylogger on the home PC and place a voice activated recorder under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro to hold it in place.

She may also have a prepaid cell phone stashed somewhere.

Go to the Coping With Infidelity Forum and do some more reading!

Be sure to get a seperation agreement drawn up by an attorney addressing the issue of opposite sex visitors being allowed in the home with your child.

Do the 180 hard and fast and also talk to the lawyer about your rights if this does move to divorce.

Sorry but from a distance it looks like she's trying to keep you as a back-up plan if her soon to be started/resumed affair doesn't work out!
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