After being separated for 1 year now (married 21 yrs), with none of the issues resolved, my wife and I are strongly considering divorce. I told her she could file, but to let me know when she does and she told me the same.
ALOT has transpired before and during the separation that has led to this. I told her I guess we'd just have to agree to disagree and get a divorce, because the issues haven't been resolved, as much as we've discussed them. If they haven't been resolved in a year, I don't think they will be. I'm tired of this and lonesome and ready to move on...and I believe she is too.
By the way, we've had ALOT of counseling, a year before we separated. Unfortunately, "it is what it is" and I will not go back to how it was before we separated. I told her I love and care for her, but even though love may be UNconditional, relationships are conditional. If she won't agree to change her behaviour, that's been killing our relationship, then we need to move on. She strongly denies her anger issues, etc...even though others, including me, have pointed it out to her.
This all said, it's still difficult to go file. I'm hoping she'll file and she's hoping I'll file. I'll give her until the end of this month and if she hasn't filed, I'm going through with it. We need to get this over with and have closure.
sounds like you want someone to tell you you're right, and it's okay.
If you're so sure it's the right thing to do, why do you need validation? Are you sure you love her? From some of your other posts, she couldn't possibly ever do anything well enough, or right enough, or look good enough, or be skinny enough, or quiet enough, or young enough, or enough of anything, to satisfy you.
Those are my thoughts. Just trying to be completely honest with you. I think you have unbelievable expectations, and in this post above, not once did you take any of the blame, you laid the Entire thing on her shoulders. Semantics, maybe, just didn't mention in this post that you had a hand in making it go south, maybe? and maybe you admit that you did play a part, but the way you come across makes it seem like she's been the one for 21 years ruining Everything, while you sat back, the perfect, fit, gorgeous, not fat, spouse, and were under her evil spell. it's almost Never all one persons fault.
I would run to file if I were your wife. If you are so convinced that it is over, then I suppose the only thing to do is move on. I wouldn't want to be with someone that wanted to change every single thing about me, to suit their needs. I don't blame either one of you for wanting a divorce, I don't think maybe you were suited to each other. Good luck.
marina72: Thanks for your honest reply. You are correct, I wasn't the perfect husband and I take full responsibility in the contribution of the breakdown in our relationship, just as she does. We had a "toxic" relationship and weren't good for one another. I can't blame her for divorcing me and she says she can't blame me for divorcing her. We understand each other in this regard. We have each apologized several times to one another for our part...but it's time for each of us to move on, so the cycles aren't repeated...It's sad and unfortunate, but a divorce has been a long time coming. I want her to find someone that she'll find happiness and fulfillment with. She says she wishes the same for me also. After all the counseling and everything else...bottom line we haven't been good for one another, because of all the issues we have with each other. Once again; "It is what it is"
We each know the names of one anothers divorce attorneys and have discussed the divorce process/settlement in detail. We have also discussed and prepared our children (ages 16 & 18) for this and they're ready for us to file and move on as well...especially since the separation has been over a year.
having said that, then it sounds like you've both accepted what is to be. There is nothing wrong with moving on, especially when it becomes clear that you are with someone that you are not truly compatible with.
The children being okay with it, makes it much easier, and since they are older, perhaps it's easier on them, then it would've been had they been younger. I'd just get it over with , neither one of you needs to wait anymore, unless you think there is a glimmer of hope, but if not, both of you should move on. Sorry it didn't work out, life throws this at you sometimes, and sometimes we spend a long time trying to make something work, with someone who is just not compatible, sounds like that's what happened to both you and your wife.