Yesterday my wayward husband called me a few times after weeks of no contact. I did'nt answer first but after several call's I answered asking what he wants. He wanted to check how the children was..
I've going crazy with all these emotional rollercoaster these last few weeks. Mostly I've been down, crying alot, I've been soooo exhausted, disappionted, depressed, hopeful, then suddenly sad again.. But yesterday and today I am sooooo furious!! If he was infront of me now I could just slap him in the face or spit on him!!!
I did'nt say much when we talked on the phone yesterday. I just answered yes or no to his questions regarding the children.
When he asked me how I am, I just said fine. Then out of no where he said : " I know what you are thinking.. you are still thinking that I've been having an affair with my friend" You see that as an affair"
I answered what the hell do you think you've been doing? Try google "emotional affair" and see what comes up. And FYI you know that we are NOT LEGALLY seperated, since you've ignored to send that document that can finalize our seperation. Then I got mad I asked him WHAT THE HELL HE DOING...He's had 6 MONTHS and he still has'nt sent that paper.
But still, he keeps denying that this is an affair and that he has been the unfaithful husband.
I'm soooooo furious right now. F... HIM !!! I could punch him in face now!!
Mamatomany, yes we have to be legally seperated 1 year before we can file for a divorce. We are not even legally seperated yet. He holds ONE piece of paper that he MUST send for our separation to be finalized. HE HAS HAD 6 MONTHS to send that paper. I've been kind of glad that he has not sent that paper beacause MAYBE JUST MAYBE he's in doubt...but after learning about his EA, I just told him to send it!
I told him, YOU are the one who wants to divorce, you choose another woman SO YOU DO AAAAALLLL the work. This is in his hands. I told him if you want to start fresh and clean with this woman, then END our marriage COMPLETLY. Do it the right way.
If he does'nt send that paper nothing happens. We will just be like now..Still legally married..
There is a reason why I'm not doing anything about this separation papers, maybe it's foolish of me. The main reason is that in a few years I can take a good look at myself in the mirror and at my children's eyes and know that I DID'NT CHEAT, I TRIED TO SALVAGE OUR MARRIAGE AND I DID'NT END OUR MARRIAGE. He cant do and say the same thing.
I know that God has seen my heart and all my pain. In time I will have peace within myself knowing that even though I've struggled, I never cheated on him and would never abandoned him or my children. Can he have inner peace knowing what he did? I dont think so
As for your situation, there are multiple reasons a wayward spouse will keep up intermittent communication. Though, I have to point out first things with the OW must have cooled off by now if he's thinking more about you. The basic reasons he will keep in touch and invest slightly in you are for control, affection, bordom, and attraction. To put it another way... he'll try to entice over and over into giving him the attention he desires. Then when his cup is full he'll drop you for the OW or anything else he finds more interesting.
Take my advice to heart... Do not fight with him! Agree with him and be friendly, short on words, and act like you could care less if he's with her or alone. It's going to be very hard and you'll need to suck it up if you ever want to get along for the children's sake. Forget what you want right now, you'll only get needy and argue. If you have to tell him you need space and then ignore his calls for the next 4-8 weeks while you cool off. Again, it hurts.... I know from experience with my EA WAW. But you cannot chase him or argue with what he wants. And FOR GOD SAKES DO NOT PUT THE OW DOWN. He'll only see this as an attack on his pride and defend her while putting you down.
Understand, under no circumstances are you to call him when you're upset. If you cry to him expecting emotional support he'll only push you away or treat you like a clingy ex gf and lose all respect for you. And if you complain about anything he's doing it will only turn out worse for you in the end. Take your time to cool off and grow emotionally strong during this time. You may want to consider meds for a few months to help even you out so you can function better.
In the mean time use this contempt you have for him to build genuine indifference so you'll be stronger to resist any manipulation attempts on his part. I've seen everything from tears to tantrums and you just have to remind them "this was what you wanted.... I'm happy with your decision". You could also give him this line, "I would rather our marriage work out, but you're right it's impossible. I'll give you the space you need and talk to a lawer on Friday.".
So long as you take away that which he's using as ammo to justify his decision for leaving he'll, and reassure him you're no longer interested, he'll stop looking for reasons to hate you. You make you're ex your last priority in life and he'll be left wondering why you're no longer interested anymore. He'll still chase after you.... and so long as you reject him when he's being a d!ck and open up a little when he decides to be a good boy, he'll have increasing respect and admiration for you.
I might also add that him being quick to jump to his defences is a big red flag that his EA/PA is still on going. You can counter his defences with a preemptive strike and gently tell him how you knew about it for a while (the bluff) and that you've accepted his choice and you're fine with it. But wait a little while to say all of these suggestions.... use them too soon and he will suspect you're running a con.
You could also try platonically going out to dinner with male friends or close coworkers if it helps you get your mind off of him. Some people are all for this, others aren't.... it's your choice. Just realize you're best off not forming a close relationship for about a year until you are past this issue. That also means no kissing or private alone time. Again it's your choice.... but try to get out of your head and enjoy being around positive people.
It goes into default, in my favor (from what I understand). I couldn't afford a lawyer so I went down to the courthouse and did it myself thru the self-help center - I was there for 9 hours! My understanding is if he doesn't respond in time, I can do a request for default which means my requests in the petition will be granted. In some cases the judge may require a hearing, but more and more, California judges are just signing off the defaults unless domestic violence or restraining orders are involved.
Nsweet, thank you soooo much for your good advice. I understand what you are saying. And all the things you have wrote..I've been doing those things..but last night I just snapped...I snapped 2 months ago too..When he decided to rub his new girl in my face. I know..I know I should'nt have snapped!! but I just got sooo hurt when he described how wonderful she was.
Do know that Every single contact this last 6-7 months is initiated by him. Every single one of them. I have not called, texted or emailed him. Eventhough I have told him over and over again.." its best we dont see eacother or have any more contact" I've told him ONLY when its regarding the children. But he is the one contacting me all the time!! I tell him if he wants out I'll respect that.
Is this suppose to be a game for him? I've told him a million times, to leave if he wants to leave, file if he really want to end out marriage..I've given him the freedom to choose. Why is he still doing this? I'm kind of mad at myself not being strong enough to file for this damn seperation!!!
If he does'nt send that paper nothing happens. We will just be like now..Still legally married..
There is a reason why I'm not doing anything about this separation papers, maybe it's foolish of me. The main reason is that in a few years I can take a good look at myself in the mirror and at my children's eyes and know that I DID'NT CHEAT, I TRIED TO SALVAGE OUR MARRIAGE AND I DID'NT END OUR MARRIAGE. He cant do and say the same thing.
I know that God has seen my heart and all my pain. In time I will have peace within myself knowing that even though I've struggled, I never cheated on him and would never abandoned him or my children. Can he have inner peace knowing what he did? I dont think so
I was there w/ you in the beginning of my separation. Now I just want it over. My older kids know what he's doing and it has been pointed out that he will not file (it's not in his nature to file because he is thinking he is a victim in this mess). Mine abandoned me and our kids (he denies that) and I know that he has hurt his relationship w/ the kids. His problem. But I get wanting the kids to know that you weren't the one to cause this change/loss in their life.
Don't beat yourself up. I snapped at my wife near Valentines day and called her a cheater and a liar as many times as I could get away with. I absolutely hated her for bailing on our marriage etc..... Anyways, even though we've both expressed never wanting to see or speak to each other again. Guess what! She still calls to ask "are you ok?"
It is a game in a sense, relationships and attraction follow a clear dynamic that can be manipulated, expected, and enhanced..... I followed the PUA game for a few years and know a bit about this. Honestly, he doesn't know he's playing games but the strategy he's using is an attempt to check up on you and keep you pining for him so he can feel safe having you as a back up. He won't sign the papers because he's on the fence about choosing and avoiding responsibility hoping everything will naturally be taken care of.
Once you pull away for good and give him time to come to terms that you mean it and won't be around.... this scares the sh!t out of WAS's. All of a sudden he'll have to deal with the consequences and take responsibility for his actions.... if things don't work out for him with those greener pastures it will be all his problem to deal with alone. And as His Needs, Her Needs advises the affair can't go on for very long with you not there to make up for what his new relationship is lacking. Ususlly understand and comfort.... I was that supportive husband before I discovered her loser OM.
Take that comfort away and gently expose the affair (no ultimatums since you're seperated) and you take away the thrilling taboo. As I saw personally things fall apart quickly and they begin arguing more. You actually want them to have sex and move in together! They'll get it over with quicker because they're moving at breakneck speed and seriously bypassing greater trust and comfort. Once you get over the sting and take your time to learn the ancient art of "f*ck it" you can talk again once a month or every few months. Give them time to get over the honeymoon phase and get tired of being all lovey dovey. At that stage they'll see either they're meant to be or completely imcompatible 90% in your favor.
If you can see it in you to talk little by little and go out on family lunches with your children, birthday parties, etc.... If you can avoid any petty jealousy, you'll watch her freak out the same way you did and push him closer to you. Again I saw this first hand.... was rough knowing she was going off to talk to this jerk but eventually she started ignoring him to have fun with me. When you get to this stage I can help you out further but we're talking 6mo at the shortest to 2yrs post divorce and shared custody. Do not give up hope in the back of your mind. You'll move on in a sense and enjoy your freedom if you divorce, but you're always carry a small flame for him. I know I will.
I was there w/ you in the beginning of my separation. Now I just want it over. My older kids know what he's doing and it has been pointed out that he will not file (it's not in his nature to file because he is thinking he is a victim in this mess). Mine abandoned me and our kids (he denies that) and I know that he has hurt his relationship w/ the kids. His problem. But I get wanting the kids to know that you weren't the one to cause this change/loss in their life.
It's the same with mine too. He's denying that he has abandoned us. He saids he has not pulled out, but pushed out..Like I forced him to cheat and abandon his children
Don't beat yourself up. I snapped at my wife near Valentines day and called her a cheater and a liar as many times as I could get away with. I absolutely hated her for bailing on our marriage etc..... Anyways, even though we've both expressed never wanting to see or speak to each other again. Guess what! She still calls to ask "are you ok?"
It is a game in a sense, relationships and attraction follow a clear dynamic that can be manipulated, expected, and enhanced..... I followed the PUA game for a few years and know a bit about this. Honestly, he doesn't know he's playing games but the strategy he's using is an attempt to check up on you and keep you pining for him so he can feel safe having you as a back up. He won't sign the papers because he's on the fence about choosing and avoiding responsibility hoping everything will naturally be taken care of.
Once you pull away for good and give him time to come to terms that you mean it and won't be around.... this scares the sh!t out of WAS's. All of a sudden he'll have to deal with the consequences and take responsibility for his actions.... if things don't work out for him with those greener pastures it will be all his problem to deal with alone. And as His Needs, Her Needs advises the affair can't go on for very long with you not there to make up for what his new relationship is lacking. Ususlly understand and comfort.... I was that supportive husband before I discovered her loser OM.
Take that comfort away and gently expose the affair (no ultimatums since you're seperated) and you take away the thrilling taboo. As I saw personally things fall apart quickly and they begin arguing more. You actually want them to have sex and move in together! They'll get it over with quicker because they're moving at breakneck speed and seriously bypassing greater trust and comfort. Once you get over the sting and take your time to learn the ancient art of "f*ck it" you can talk again once a month or every few months. Give them time to get over the honeymoon phase and get tired of being all lovey dovey. At that stage they'll see either they're meant to be or completely imcompatible 90% in your favor.
If you can see it in you to talk little by little and go out on family lunches with your children, birthday parties, etc.... If you can avoid any petty jealousy, you'll watch her freak out the same way you did and push him closer to you. Again I saw this first hand.... was rough knowing she was going off to talk to this jerk but eventually she started ignoring him to have fun with me. When you get to this stage I can help you out further but we're talking 6mo at the shortest to 2yrs post divorce and shared custody. Do not give up hope in the back of your mind. You'll move on in a sense and enjoy your freedom if you divorce, but you're always carry a small flame for him. I know I will.
Thank you again, Nsweet.. I've been really trying this NO CONTACT thing and I have all this time given him the FREEDOM to leave. But I guess I have not been strong enough beacuse I've shown that I still care on some issues. I guess he knows which buttons to push.
Unfortunately that's always the case. Take it to heart that if you love him you need to stop enabling his codependency and set him free. He'll resent you at first but later on come to miss what he took for granted..... that is if you can end things on good terms and "act as if" you're perfectly happy even though you're crying inside. You don't have to burn him forever either, it would be very kind of you to remember his birthday and speak once in a very long while. And as I like to point out.... you have 2-4 years ahead of you of the emotional divorce in which divorced couples come up with excuses to keep in touch regularly not including child visitations and custody. Don't ask me why, they just miss each other I guess..... and if you were half as good as you sound and didn't abuse him, he'll come around sometime. I know my wife still does even though we had a rough marriage.... just give them them time to be set free and live your life. You have a couple beautiful kids and I'm betting you're better off now than when you married. He must have picked you up somewhere along the line and transformed you into a great woman in those years you were together.
It's so hard sometimes to understand all of this last months..
i never imagined this..so much hurt and anger.
When our first daughter was almost 2 years old...he said something to me that I will never forget.. He said " You and her ( our daughter) are the best thing that has happened to me. You two have made me the happiest person in the world" I'll never forget those words
His family is devastated about his decisions now..They find it so hard to accept his decision to divorce. His mother told him a few weeks ago that if he marries another girl she wont speak to him again. His father and his sister told me also that I changed his son/brother to a better person. They said that he choose me and that they can not accept him choosing any one else..
It's good knowing that his family loves me
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Furious !!! 
