| | less than a year and he wants a divorce (really long first post)
After 11 months of marriage my husband says he wants a divorce. One of my first thoughts: We barely beat Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries!
So, we met online about 3 1/2 years ago, and we lived 2 hours apart. He said as soon as we started dating that he would be willing to move to my town, which was great, because I have family and friends here, and I own my house. He doesn't have that where he lives, and I just don't like his city. We saw each other about twice a week (he is a retail manager and adjusted his work schedule to be off on my days off), taking turns going to see each other and spending as much time as we could together. He was hoping for a transfer with his company to my area, but said he was willing to leave his company if he had to. He started talking about marriage way before I did. He started asking me about a ring at around a year, asking what kind I wanted and that kind of thing. I did push to get engaged at about a year and a half of dating. I was 28 and he was 35, and I thought it was time. He has made sure to tell me many times that I pressured him into getting married, but he's a big boy, and no one held a gun to his head.
We were engaged for almost a year before we got married in May of 2011. We fought a lot leading up to the wedding. We blamed most of it on wedding stress (I did almost everything myself), money stress from paying for the wedding, living apart, and losing my stepmom 2 months after our engagement. I thought everything would get better after the wedding, but it didn't. My husband has a tendency to just walk out and say he's done with me every time he gets upset, and that tends to wear on a person after a while. He did it several times during our engagement, but he always said later he was just upset and he wanted to marry me and be with me. I thought he just had cold feet and would be fine. But after we were married he has done it so many more times, especially in the last few months. It used to be after a long fight where we weren't getting anywhere, but now it's as soon as I bring up something he doesn't want to talk about.
A week ago he came to my house for our second session of counseling. We went to dinner, and at dinner I mentioned a friend moving in with her fiance. He said the fiance didn't know what he was getting into. I told him that was a hurtful thing to say, considering he was dragging his feet about moving in with me. He told me this was why he didn't even want to talk to me, because I made everything a fight. He asked how he was dragging his feet about moving in with me and I asked him when the last time he applied for a job in my area was. He said it had been a little while, and I asked how long a little while was (when I asked this same question a week before he told me he had been applying for jobs, but he didn't know what companies the jobs were with. I don't believe he has been applying for anything in my area for quite some time) he blew up and told me he was done being interrogated and he was done with me. I reminded him repeatedly that we had agreed in counseling the week before that he wasn't going to run away anymore, and that we had counseling the next day. He said he didn't care, and he wasn't going, and he left. I went back in the house, and he came back inside a minute later asking me what I wanted him to do with my stuff (at his house). I told him to ship it (pretty funny, cuz it's a ton of stuff). He gave me his key to my house and asked me which of the keys on my keyring was to his house. He tried to argue with me about some more stuff as he walked out and I shut the door on him. I didn't see the point it arguing about my relationship with someone who had just taken my key and refused his second session of counseling.
I contacted him through email and finally last night phone about all my stuff at his house. Suddenly he couldn't bring it on the day we arranged and asked if he could just leave it on the back patio while I'm at work, or I could leave a key out, or have someone else meet him. I told him I wasn't comfortable with any of those options. He was very upset I wouldn't leave a key out for him, which is interesting since he refused to let me come there when he's home or not to get the stuff myself. I asked why I couldn't just come get it myself and he said he doesn't want me going through everything in the house looking for stuff. What is he afraid I will find? I asked why he couldn't just bring the stuff n my next day off and he said he doesn't even want to see me. He never wants to look at me again. Nice, huh? So now he wants to put my stuff in a storage unit there and mail me the key.
There have been issues in the last several months with trust; texting too much and then when I go to read the texts (they are texts to coworkers) it is obvious there is stuff missing from the text thread even though he denies it. The texts from one coworker come across as way more than just coworkers, and when I asked him about it he told me she was his best friend that lived in that area. So I have wondered before what was going on there but never been able to prove anything (wish I had installed something on his computer/phone).
After all this, it makes me feel stupid as stupid can be, but I can't help but wish we could make it work. I'm not dumb enough to think it's something I need to do to make that happen, though. He would have to come back to counseling and really try to find a job here. We can't do things the way they were. I am very proud, though, so I don't know if I should try to contact him and give it one last try or just go forward with what he says he wants. If this is for real then I want to move forward with a divorce, not an indefinite separation. We don't really qualify for the 180 since we don't have any reason to see/talk to each other once I get my stuff back.
Oh, I think a lot of his issues stem from his upbringing (multiple marriages with both parents, and mom was diagnosed as bipolar in her 50s) as well as his job opening up a new, bigger store (he is a retail manager) in his area next year. Sad if he wants that store more than me, but I could see it.