Children are affected when parents badmouth each other, they witness verbal/physical altercations. I don't get why some parents have such a hard time at keeping it civil in front of the kids. Even if I don't want to see STBXW, she is part of the reason why I have my son. She gave birth to him. Do what's best for the kids. If you have to act happy, THEN DO IT. That's what I'm doing.
I agree that being amicable will definately help the kids get through the divorce. Kids who observe good coping skills modeled by their parents during emotional relationship issues will have tools they can apply to their own marriage in the future. Having said that, divorce in my opinion, should be avoided unless their is criminal activity, i.e. drugs, abuse, fraud, financial irresonsiblity that cripples a the ability to provide for needs and stability. I know this sounds old fashioned. I feel the number of divorces in our country just makes marriage a cheap contract with nothing more than unspoken do over clauses written in the fine print. Till death do us part, for better or for worse truly doesn't mean anything. Marriage really isn't a marriage if you can just move on no questions asked if you've grown apart. I don't know, everything is so throw away and look after yourself first. Our kid's generation willl continue to model this. Maybe our society doesn't need strong families that were necessary when our country was agricultural. Maybe this is just cultural evolution toward the intellectual age of do what feels right and everyone can still be friendly. In reality everyone suffers during a divorce, the kids, the in-laws, extended family and friends. It seems the ease of divorce, the animosity it creates, the money wasted on lawyers, and tax dollars needed to support broken families, is the ultimate consequence of selfish behavior. Now having said all this, I am separated and the chance of my marriage reconciling is small. My kids are doing ok because my wife and I are amicable. I ask myself what are they learning about marriage? Is it cheap? Is it ok to punch out as long as everyone is amicable? What impact am I having on their future relationships? Time will tell...
I am a high school teacher, and sometimes think I could almost do a case study on this.
Honestly, on average, I can tell a difference between the kids that come from divorced homes and those that come from "intact" families. ...and I speaking in the general sense. I know that each situation is different. But, I have noticed that most of the kids in my advanced classes have both their mom and dad at home....and most of the kids in my remedial classes have step-parents coming in and out of their lives. These kids are constantly losing their homework and books because they are being shifted from their dad's home to their mom's home every other day. It is so hard, and so stressful for some of these kids. It is truly heartbreaking.
With that said, I think that it would be even worse for a child to grow up in a home where the parents verbally or emotionally abused each other.
However, I do think it is a little bit reckless for your counselor to say that kids will be "okay". Of course, they will be okay. YOU are going to do everything in your power to make sure they are okay. But, this is not the ideal situation. The ideal situation would be for you and your spouse to try to sit down and try to work through your problems and TRY to keep this family together. But, if that isn't possible or if one spouse is refusing to try, then you are just going to have to suck it up, and try to make the best of a very poopy situation.
I have so many worries about my son growing up like this. I never wanted him to have to get carted around from his mom's house to his dad's house for the rest of his life. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. But, this wasn't really my choice...and I am trying to make sure that my son grows up in the most stable environment as possible.
I know it is possible...because I have seen some families and stepfamilies handle this situation wonderfully. However, this certainly isn't the ideal situation.
I agree that being amicable will definately help the kids get through the divorce. Kids who observe good coping skills modeled by their parents during emotional relationship issues will have tools they can apply to their own marriage in the future. Having said that, divorce in my opinion, should be avoided unless their is criminal activity, i.e. drugs, abuse, fraud, financial irresonsiblity that cripples a the ability to provide for needs and stability. I know this sounds old fashioned. I feel the number of divorces in our country just makes marriage a cheap contract with nothing more than unspoken do over clauses written in the fine print. Till death do us part, for better or for worse truly doesn't mean anything. Marriage really isn't a marriage if you can just move on no questions asked if you've grown apart. I don't know, everything is so throw away and look after yourself first. Our kid's generation willl continue to model this. Maybe our society doesn't need strong families that were necessary when our country was agricultural. Maybe this is just cultural evolution toward the intellectual age of do what feels right and everyone can still be friendly. In reality everyone suffers during a divorce, the kids, the in-laws, extended family and friends. It seems the ease of divorce, the animosity it creates, the money wasted on lawyers, and tax dollars needed to support broken families, is the ultimate consequence of selfish behavior. Now having said all this, I am separated and the chance of my marriage reconciling is small. My kids are doing ok because my wife and I are amicable. I ask myself what are they learning about marriage? Is it cheap? Is it ok to punch out as long as everyone is amicable? What impact am I having on their future relationships? Time will tell...
I agree with everything there. Heck, this pending divorce of mine has totally and utterly screwed MY idea of what marriage is all about, let alone my 5 year old girl, who at the minute is coping very well as she doesn't fully understand it and its all amicable...but its the future I worry about. Future partners and so on...the whole thing is just a huge mess to me, and marriage in our society today is nothing more than a cheap trick. Posted via Mobile Device
I am a high school teacher, and sometimes think I could almost do a case study on this.
Honestly, on average, I can tell a difference between the kids that come from divorced homes and those that come from "intact" families. ...and I speaking in the general sense. I know that each situation is different. But, I have noticed that most of the kids in my advanced classes have both their mom and dad at home....and most of the kids in my remedial classes have step-parents coming in and out of their lives. These kids are constantly losing their homework and books because they are being shifted from their dad's home to their mom's home every other day. It is so hard, and so stressful for some of these kids. It is truly heartbreaking.
With that said, I think that it would be even worse for a child to grow up in a home where the parents verbally or emotionally abused each other.
However, I do think it is a little bit reckless for your counselor to say that kids will be "okay". Of course, they will be okay. YOU are going to do everything in your power to make sure they are okay. But, this is not the ideal situation. The ideal situation would be for you and your spouse to try to sit down and try to work through your problems and TRY to keep this family together. But, if that isn't possible or if one spouse is refusing to try, then you are just going to have to suck it up, and try to make the best of a very poopy situation.
I have so many worries about my son growing up like this. I never wanted him to have to get carted around from his mom's house to his dad's house for the rest of his life. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. But, this wasn't really my choice...and I am trying to make sure that my son grows up in the most stable environment as possible.
I know it is possible...because I have seen some families and stepfamilies handle this situation wonderfully. However, this certainly isn't the ideal situation.
Anger rant!
This is what pisses me off royally. My wife is choosing all of this for her reasons. I would be miserable with her and place my children first, if it meant staying married. However, I would hope I could fall in love with her, forgive the past and build a stronger relationship.
Yes, I made mistakes. Costly. Too costly for any other chance, apparently, although, no abuse, addiction, affair, arguing, etc. But, there's more than me in our situation. There are 2 young children. They are close to both of us. They don't want us separated. They don't want to be shuffled to and fro.
So, my wife, who is pursuing this because she just doesn't have the feeling so advertised and commercialized these days, is affecting several lives beyond her own. That's what I call selfish.
And, I speak this as a product of divorce which has affected my life. She has no experience with this. But, when I had brought all of this up, I am the stubborn SOB who has to win every argument.
That's why my anger is turned towards her. I am willing. She is not. And to compound things, there is no other man in her life.
But hey, we get along in front of everyone, especially our children. The rest I keep to myself. There's no point in sharing my opinions anymore.
I agree with everything there. Heck, this pending divorce of mine has totally and utterly screwed MY idea of what marriage is all about, let alone my 5 year old girl, who at the minute is coping very well as she doesn't fully understand it and its all amicable...but its the future I worry about. Future partners and so on...the whole thing is just a huge mess to me, and marriage in our society today is nothing more than a cheap trick. Posted via Mobile Device
Yep. Tonight my 4 year old said she misses mommy when she is with me and misses me when she is with mommy. Can it be any simpler?
I am a high school teacher, and sometimes think I could almost do a case study on this.
Honestly, on average, I can tell a difference between the kids that come from divorced homes and those that come from "intact" families. ...and I speaking in the general sense. I know that each situation is different. But, I have noticed that most of the kids in my advanced classes have both their mom and dad at home....and most of the kids in my remedial classes have step-parents coming in and out of their lives. These kids are constantly losing their homework and books because they are being shifted from their dad's home to their mom's home every other day. It is so hard, and so stressful for some of these kids. It is truly heartbreaking.
I see the very same thing. I used talk to kids about their family lives and I could tell a major difference between those with "intact" families and those with step-parents or a sole single parent with no other parent involved. The kids who are in the IB program or in AP classes, etc, were the ones in nuclear families. The ones in my classes who earned consistently good grades, participate in class, follow directions, have more self control, stay organized, etc, are just those kids. They eat dinner as a family, both parents very involved in their educations and extra curricular activities, etc. They have conversations with their parents. The kids who I have the most trouble with - both in terms of academics and discipline - were the ones from broken families. It really is heartbreaking. And such a scary thought seeing as I am not a single mom of THREE! Never thought I'd be one of "them".
I used to pride myself in making sure we sat as a family at dinner time and had family time after dinner just talking and playing. I used to think "this is what it's about". Wow, now look. Boy how things change when you get the rug pulled from under you. I hope that my kids turn out well. We both are trying our best, but I know that they want us together and they want us to do things together as a family. Just isn't going to happen anymore.
Funny OP brought this thread up because I asked the exact same question to my therapist yesterday. Will they be okay? We've talked about it before, but I did have more specific questions on how to handle different things.
His honest answer? None of us know how they will turn out, no matter what you do or say. And with three kids, they may turn out differently. They will all have their own perspectives on things because they are all different people, albeit little people. He said my job is to talk to them, show them I love them, allow them to express their emotions, be open and ready to listen when they want to talk about it and when they have questions. Make sure I foster good emotional health. In terms of questions about the whys in terms of their father - my job is to not trash him, not make excuses for him, not lie for him and simply say "you're just going to have to ask daddy about that..." He can only speak for himself because only he knows what's going on in his head (that thick skull of his). I can only answer questions about the whys about my perspective.
I think they'll be okay. They're adjusting, but there will always be triggers. For all of us.
This is what pisses me off royally. My wife is choosing all of this for her reasons. I would be miserable with her and place my children first, if it meant staying married. However, I would hope I could fall in love with her, forgive the past and build a stronger relationship.
Yes, I made mistakes. Costly. Too costly for any other chance, apparently, although, no abuse, addiction, affair, arguing, etc. But, there's more than me in our situation. There are 2 young children. They are close to both of us. They don't want us separated. They don't want to be shuffled to and fro.
So, my wife, who is pursuing this because she just doesn't have the feeling so advertised and commercialized these days, is affecting several lives beyond her own. That's what I call selfish.
And, I speak this as a product of divorce which has affected my life. She has no experience with this. But, when I had brought all of this up, I am the stubborn SOB who has to win every argument.
That's why my anger is turned towards her. I am willing. She is not. And to compound things, there is no other man in her life.
But hey, we get along in front of everyone, especially our children. The rest I keep to myself. There's no point in sharing my opinions anymore.
I totally understand where that anger is coming from. At one point, I , too, was just soooooo incredibly angry at my ex's selfishness. How could he do this to our son?! What about all of the promises he made to our son? ...to me?
Yes, I know I was not perfect either...and, I know in my heart at one time all this "could have" been fixed.
But, then I finally got to the point in my journey through all this when I finally just had to give up all the "could have's"...."should be's"...I gave them all up. I gave up thinking that way, and I stopped my brain from thinking about thee things--because,in reality, I had no control over them. I couldn't MAKE my ex-husband try. I wished so badly for so long that he would just TRY to work things out. Just TRY. But, I couldn't make him try. So, I gave all that up...and with it, the angry finally went away.
I just dealt with it. This is my life. No, it is not what I had planned it to be. It is not exactly what I had in mind for how my life would pan out, but I am going to make the best of it and take control of the things that I can control. --and stop putting energy into things I can't control.
One day, hopefully for you the anger will subside. Yes,I am still disgusted with my ex-husband. But, I am past all the anger and bitterness. ...and I am trying to focus my energy into building a brighter future for me and my son.
It sounds like you are doing the best that you can right now. It is admirable that you are trying to put on a happy face for your kids. But, yes, this does stink. It stinks bad!--and it is not fair. ...and you have a right to be angry. (...just not in front of the kids. )
Jayb I think we are generally in the same boat. That reminds me, my daughter the other night said "daddy, can we all live in the same house again soon"? It really cut into me....I was at a loss for words.
Jayb I think we are generally in the same boat. That reminds me, my daughter the other night said "daddy, can we all live in the same house again soon"? It really cut into me....I was at a loss for words.
We've been separated almost 10 months.
I've had to hold both of my children on the kitchen floor all crying come home, daddy. I told them I want to, but just can't. That stings beyond words.
Or, I've had to deal with the breakdowns of, "I want to be at the house with mommy. Your place is boring." I want to be with mommy............
And, we have 50-50. And I have toys, video games, movies, food, snacks, big area, etc.
Or, I've had to deal with the breakdowns of, "I want to be at the house with mommy. Your place is boring." I want to be with mommy............
Yep, that's another thing, only set to get worse as they grow - playing one against the other. Even when the parents are completely amicable, this is bound to happen. New partners etc...will only exacerbate it. While some divorces are necessary, I think these whole "I'm sooo unhappy" cases (when you've got the world, basically) are just complete baloney; a pathetic blight on a society who's really got it far too easy and watches far too much Entertainment Tonight.
I`ve never known a kid who wasn`t traumatized and messed up to some extent by their parents divorce well into adulthood.
Granted that`s only 6 kids known close as family but all of them are/were messed up by the experience.
I`m not saying staying for the kids is right, I`m just saying truth should be outed on this subject.
Kids NEVER take their parents splitting without some serious long lasting emotional turmoil
Agree, agree, agree.
My son was only 1 year old when his dad and I separated and then divorced. He doesn't even remember us together, but he still has been greatly affected by it. He's 15 now, and we actually just had a candid conversation about this topic a few weeks ago. I forget how it even came up, but he was very honest about how being a child of divorce has affected him in a negative way.
To contrast, I was 5 when my parents separated. I do remember them together. They fought often near the end. One of my earliest memories is being held by my mom and them arguing and me putting one hand on each of their chests and trying to push them away from each other... not because they were getting physical, but because I just wanted it to stop.
However, I also have many good memories of my life when my parents were together. I remember feeling a sense of security then (taken totally for granted at the time) that I never felt after their divorce. My mom is the one who introduced the reasoning of, "Trust me, you will be better off and happier with us divorced than if we were still together and fighting all the time," to me. I bought it the way a child that age will buy anything a parent tells them. I even regurgitated it to others who expressed sympathy over my parents being divorced throughout my childhood and teenage years.
But guess what? It wasn't true. It was so, so not true. I never even came to terms with how it affected me until adulthood. I honestly believe now that divorce carries a negative impact that will be felt by children in one way or another throughout the rest of their lives. I think that negative impact can be mitigated by many factors, especially the way the parents handle the divorce and how they co-parent after. I'm sure a lot of it also depends on the child's innate personality. But there's a negative impact, regardless. Whether that outweighs the negative impact on the child from staying in a high-conflict marriage, I don't know. I know sometimes it comes down to choosing the lesser of two evils, but IMO, divorce is pretty damn evil for kids, so it would have to be an incredibly bad marriage.
My parents divorced when I was 2. My dad saw me when it was convenient. I didn't see him at all from ages 7 to 21. After that it was once or twice a year until I was 26 and he had cancer...I then had a relationship with my dad for 2 years (after some HEAVY talks first) and was proud to have known him before he died.
My mom and step-dad divorced when I was 12. I was HAPPY they divorced because the fighting was worse. I had two homes then. My mom moved only 5 miles from my childhood home and my stepdad lived there until he passed 2 years ago in June. My stepdad raised me from 4 to 18...I had a room at his house, we were pals! I was his kid. I had a room at my mom's. She was my mom. I had 2 of every holiday. I had my mom's family and my stepdad's family. I loved it.......until.....he remarried a lady when I was 18 and she hated me. He lost his spine and turned his back on me. Again I was abandoned by a father.
So, the divorces didn't bother me. I was a happy kid! I had a great childhood and it was full of love and parental involvement. My stepdad coached my softball teams well after the divorce. We would go camping and on small trips. He was my dad....until he wasn't my dad.
The ABANDONMENT ruined me. I had issues that I THOUGHT I had dealt with. NOT from divorce of my parents, but from being ABANDONED and thrown away like trash by not 1, but BOTH dads.
THAT effed me up. Not the divorce.
I have had therapy for the abandonment issues because they almost ruined my marriage. The effects of being abandon puts you in constant survival mode...never letting your guard down...always waiting for your mate to leave or let you go. That's how i lived my first 2 years of marriage. Always expecting him to leave. And then he did. And I realized my worst fear...and I survived.
After some deep therapy and horrible times bringing up old shet, I feel healed. With the death of my fathers, I have closure.
but yea, it wasn't the divorce, it was being, in my eyes, not good enough to fight for me (my real dad didn't try to see me, my stepdad wouldn't tell his wife to stfu) and not feeling important to anyone.
LUCKILY, Hubs understood my issues and even though he moved out because of my behaviour caused by my issues, he helped me work through them.
My daughter's father and I broke up when she was 2. We co-parented for 9 years. 1/2 the week at my house, 1/2 at his. We lived 4 miles from each other and PUT OUR DIFFERENCES ASIDE BECAUSE IT WAS FOR OUR CHILD. We gave her an AWESOME childhood. She is a happy child. She had a loving mommy and a loving daddy. BOTH of us very involved.
Then he decided to become a musician and basically rescinded his fatherly duty....THIS has put my 12 year old in therapy. NOT the break up.
So...there's two stories where the break up/divorce didn't matter....but the ABANDONMENT did.
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Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce 
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I was his kid. I had a room at my mom's. She was my mom. I had 2 of every holiday. I had my mom's family and my stepdad's family. I loved it.......until.....he remarried a lady when I was 18 and she hated me. He lost his spine and turned his back on me. Again I was abandoned by a father. 
