Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce
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Old 05-03-2012, 12:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

I don't believe her. I've read books and long term studies about the effects of divorce on children. My own STBXH is in therapy and still blames himself for his parent's divorce 27 years ago.

She said kids come out of divorce just fine if, quote: "you and your ex can remain friends and work together". The last thing I want to do is my ex's FRIEND!!

My little boy is going to be completely devastated. He was devastated even when my STBXH left when he said he wanted a separation 6 mths ago (he has since come back home but now announced he is going to file for divorce). My son cried non stop, acted out at school, didn't want to see or speak to his dad.
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Old 05-03-2012, 12:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

Your therapist talks out of her ass.
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Old 05-03-2012, 12:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

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Your therapist talks out of her ass.
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Old 05-03-2012, 12:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

But....you need to consider the question in terms of alternatives.

It's not whether or not divorce affects kids. It's whether kids are better in an amicable divorce situation or in the alternative, a dysfunctional one-household situation.

Obviously, the best scenario is a one-household situation where everyone is in love and working together. But, since that isn't something that you can control by yourself, the question is, what is the best outcome for my kid, given where we're at today?
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

You have to be friends, no matter what for the kids. Right now my son is coping well and is because we have managed to keep things amicable at least in front of him.
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

I think you mean, friendly, not friends
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

What else is the therapist suppose to say to you?
Mine has given me books and told me that if the kids start having problems then they can come in and see her (they love her) but currently they are coping well w/o him being in their lives much. They know they are loved, they get plenty of attention, their teachers and school staff are watching for any signs of stress for me.

My stbxh try to have very little contact in front of them. I don't think my youngest comprehends what is going on. The other day when he dropped them off he asked me to go give daddy hugs and kisses telling him that I love him and another son told me that I am boss and daddy needs to start listening and come home. They just don't grasp it yet and only time will tell how they will cope. Let's just hope it does as little damage as possible.
It's a hard world to grow up in now anyway.
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

Friendly, not friends. My ex wants to be friends, go out for coffee do the family thing...hello, we're not together anymore.

I think that if the parents can seriously put their differences aside for the sake of their kids, they can recover from the divorce. Some parents have no clue how destructive they are towards their kids because they're just caught up in their own pain. Talking negatively in front of the kids is the worst thing a parent can do. That in itself is very truamatizing for kids. Routine and consistancy is key in order for the kids to adjust.

I've only been separated for three months, but I can see the difference in my kids behavior since it first happened. They are adjusting ok, not perfect, but my ex is pretty reasonable that he never says a negative thing about me to them, keeps the same discipline I do, same rules etc.
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

I agree somewhat> Because all situations are different and kids response differently.

I was a victim of parents staying together for the kids. things between them are better now but growing up I prayed for them to divorce because of the cheating and fighting. Family time was great but when things got rocky it was bad.

If your STBXH can be active in your son live and the both of yous don't use him as a pawn, he might adjust.

During my separation my son adjusted quickly because he knew his dad was going to pick him from school on certain days and he had fun with him and with me we keep the same routine with extra fun with mommy.

It funny because his father moved back home yesterday and my son said why are your stuff here, and my husband said because i live here now and he said ok, cool..lol at 5.
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

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During my separation my son adjusted quickly because he knew his dad was going to pick him from school on certain days and he had fun with him and with me we keep the same routine with extra fun with mommy.

It funny because his father moved back home yesterday and my son said why are your stuff here, and my husband said because i live here now and he said ok, cool..lol at 5.
You all are reconciling?? Wow! Congrats on deciding to take that journey.
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

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Friendly, not friends. My ex wants to be friends, go out for coffee do the family thing...hello, we're not together anymore.

I think that if the parents can seriously put their differences aside for the sake of their kids, they can recover from the divorce. Some parents have no clue how destructive they are towards their kids because they're just caught up in their own pain. Talking negatively in front of the kids is the worst thing a parent can do. That in itself is very truamatizing for kids. Routine and consistancy is key in order for the kids to adjust.

I've only been separated for three months, but I can see the difference in my kids behavior since it first happened. They are adjusting ok, not perfect, but my ex is pretty reasonable that he never says a negative thing about me to them, keeps the same discipline I do, same rules etc.

My wife expects me not to be angry over our situation. Rather to sadly accept it and move on. Wait, what? I struggle with that. She has detached and I am years behind her. That said, what kind of true friendship is it when I initiate 90% of all communication?

All of our differences stem from the fact that I want to remain married and she doesn't. No matter what.

Right now, I'm putting a whole lot of trust in my wife in how she is treating our situation and our children. Meaning, I trust she isn't taking advantage of me and being fair, flexible, etc. So far, so good.
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Old 05-03-2012, 02:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

Well kids usually ARE ok. Kids can be ok growing up in any less than ideal situation. Kids who grow up in 'perfect' conditions often have issues too. There's no black and white answer. No one can say all kids whose parents divorce will grow up with problems. Nor can they say all kids will be fine.

My kids are not perfect (whose are??). Their dad and I split when they were 4, 2 and 4 mos. They went through various counselors as they grew up, for issues that may or may not have resulted from the split. They're adults now, and great people if I do say so myself. They also lived through a split with my current hubby 2 years ago (we have since reconciled). Their biological father has been out of the picture for about 14 years now, almost totally (moved 2000 miles away and hasn't been back since). I was a single mom for almost 7 years until I remarried. Ideal? No. But far better than staying with their father. And my current hubby is a far better role model too.

I have zero regrets for divorcing. Especially from the kids perspective.
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Old 05-03-2012, 02:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

It all depends on the attitude of the parents. If they bad-mouth each other, sabotage the ex's disciplinary methods, make snide remarks about an ex's new partner, complain about money,then yes, the kids will have problems.

However, if both parents can set aside their rancor and act in the children's best interests, divorce does not have to result in damaged kids. Kids are much more resilient than we give them credit for. It is the adults that cause all of the problems in a divorce.
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Old 05-03-2012, 02:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

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Originally Posted by working_together View Post
Friendly, not friends. My ex wants to be friends, go out for coffee do the family thing...hello, we're not together anymore.

I think that if the parents can seriously put their differences aside for the sake of their kids, they can recover from the divorce. Some parents have no clue how destructive they are towards their kids because they're just caught up in their own pain. Talking negatively in front of the kids is the worst thing a parent can do. That in itself is very truamatizing for kids. Routine and consistancy is key in order for the kids to adjust.

I've only been separated for three months, but I can see the difference in my kids behavior since it first happened. They are adjusting ok, not perfect, but my ex is pretty reasonable that he never says a negative thing about me to them, keeps the same discipline I do, same rules etc.


My parents are divorced and they did their darnedest to keep it amicable. I only found out years later that it wasn't pretty. Yes, we kids had some immediate effects but no lasting long-term damage. It's how the parents handle it that matters most.
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Old 05-03-2012, 02:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Therapist says kids will be ok from divorce

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My parents are divorced and they did their darnedest to keep it amicable. I only found out years later that it wasn't pretty. Yes, we kids had some immediate effects but no lasting long-term damage. It's how the parents handle it that matters most.
Our MC said that since we have young children, the "communication" wouldn't be a 1 or 2 time occurrance, but rather, come up frequently in whatever stage of life they're at.

My parents divorced and I knew why. It was legit.

Our divorce is based on "growing apart." It may be harder to explain to our children who have always seen us happy together. It might be harder for them to understand or accept the divorce. They might hold resentment at not trying, or copping out, rather than staying together.

I'm just venting because I'm the one who wants to work on the marriage, while my wife doesn't. There is no other man, either. I am slowly accepting the reality, but still feel bad at this outcome.

And, I have had to handle our childrens' emotions several times, and it pains me. Nothing more I can do other than to process this with them and love them.

So sad.
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