So, How do you do a 180 when your lives are so intertwined?
My wife and I separated last fall after being together for 12 years. At first I didn't feel like it was the end of things, and I know she didn't totally think that either. She had built up a lot of resentment toward me and our marriage because intimacy had basically died. She has lived with severe biological depression since the age of 12. For several years I was able to help her and be there for her, but as thing went on it got harder for me to be there completely. It built up a kind of ptsd like response in me. When the depression would come on I got to a point where I just didn't know what to do any more, and it drove us apart.
When we got her an apartment I had hoped the space might bring us closer, but I guess I wasn't quite sure what I wanted myself. Over the winter I tried to imagine life without her, but it always felt empty. I was very stuck in my head for those first 4 months and winter is a slow time of year for our business. So the combination of my paralyzing introspection and the money fears drove her to a dating site where she met someone that she says she fell immediately in love with.
That was what it took to finally wake my dumb**s up. When she told me about it, all my walls broke down and I went through all the emotional stuff that so many of you have gone through. I knew I wanted her back and that I always loved her. We talked a lot and I told her how I felt and about all the things that went wrong with us.
She says she loves me and I know she does, but she can't turn back. She says she needs to see if what she found is really what she thinks it is. They hardly ever see each other and talk maybe once a week on the phone. He lives 3 hours away and is apparently extremely busy with his business, but this is just temporary She says it feels like the kind of love you see in the movies. If it was that, I don't see how anything would keep them apart. My thoughts are that she is in love with an illusion, but what do I know, I'm not there.
I've tried 180 several times, but we are so intertwined with our life and business that I have to see her and talk to her nearly every other day.I was able to avoid talking to her for nearly a week at one point and she did start to really miss me, but not enough. She want's to keep the "friendship" we've always had, but I told her we were always more that friends and that I can't be her buddy while she's breaking my heart.
My business is going nuts right now and opportunities are popping up like crazy that could be huge for both of us. But I can't do it with her as my friend. I want all of her.
She seems to start reconsidering a tiny bit, but as soon as she talks to him it's "Sorry I love him". What can I do?
Sorry man, until the OM is out of the picture, its a lossing battle. Right now you can just make the affiar as inconvienent as possible. Most likely the lack of time they spend together is a sign the OM is married.
So find out by investigating this your self, and if the OM is married then expose the affair to OMW (other mans wife).
Thats a start.
If it continues then expose to close family and some one your WW respects and values there opinion and support the marriage.
Again do your research find out if OM has a wife/GF and expose it.
I also suggest you file and have her served, this tactic may make her second guess her choices and make her think twice in what she is about to lose.....the filling can always be withdrawn before it finalized if she stops all contact with OM.
Interesting thought about him possibly being married. I had wondered about that a couple times. I tried doing some investigating on the internet, but the guy has no cell phone, no facebook. He calls from his land line or from his eyeware store. He is an optometrist. but no website for his store. How can I find more? The guy leaves no internet trail at all. He has had to take a couple trips out of state since she started seeing him and it all feels very fishy to me.
My wife is no idiot, but her judgement in people can sometimes be lacking at best.
Badlycrushed,
If you know his name, then go to People Search | Background Check | Reverse Cell Phone Lookup - Intelius.com and pay the small cost to run the background report and get his name, phone number, and people he is related to. Then expose if necessary.
As stated by the guy above, no R is possible if OM is in the picture. She is getting a dopamine rush from him. They have no history and she will see him as perfect right now. Your WW will pin ALL HER NEGATIVE FEELINGS on you and reserve the positive for the OM only. You cannot compete with this. There are two choices for your WW right now. They are:
Choice A: EA ends now and she goes fully NC with a written letter.
Choice B: You have her served and you divorce.
There is no choice C as that leads to limbo which is hell.
The 180 is to get you ready to move on without your WW, it is not a tactic or strategy to get her back. Until OM is out of the picture you must let her go if she is not willing to end it. Sorry, but that is the bottom line. Your lives are not as intertwined as you think. Businesses can be started and ended and new ones started again. You have to take care of yourself first and right now you are living in an open marriage(emotionally anyway). There is no room in your marriage for a 3rd party. Tell you WW if she cannot end this then you have to let her go from the business or you are leaving. Best of luck.
Honestly her little world is going to come crashing down in the next year probably sooner. She will be devistated. Start working on yourself and get strong, get a life...
You need to have your head on straight when she comes out of it and she will. Her OM sounds like the type we see on here everyday that gets LEFT by his wife because he cannot give her all the emotional support she needs and wants. Just a matter of time before she figures it out and wants back in with you. Resist Sir....
Thanks a lot for the advice everyone. I posted this yesterday looking for confirmation on what I already knew I had to do. I knew I had to meet with her this morning and was feeling a bit weak, so I needed to hear some voices that would keep me on track. Thanks! I told her it's done. If she want's to be with him then she should be with him, but there will be no us. No friendship, business partners, or anything else. It was all said calm and cool and with respect. She agreed that no contact between us might be best for her too, because she keeps going back and forth. Well... I am going to continue healing myself and building my life without her. I have already made great strides in that direction. I lost nearly 30 pounds, as I mentioned my business is going great, and several old habits that have caused blocks in my progress have fallen away. Life looks good! I don't anticipate the pain will go away anytime soon, but I can be with it and not let it run my life. Should she change her mind, I would welcome the chance to work out what ever problems remain and move forward together, but I won't wait for it.
Honestly her little world is going to come crashing down in the next year probably sooner. She will be devistated. Start working on yourself and get strong, get a life...
You need to have your head on straight when she comes out of it and she will. Her OM sounds like the type we see on here everyday that gets LEFT by his wife because he cannot give her all the emotional support she needs and wants. Just a matter of time before she figures it out and wants back in with you. Resist Sir....
I do believe her fantasy will come to an end. I'm pretty sure he isn't married, but I agree that he is probably someone who won't take enough time out of his work to give full attention to the relationship. That already seems clear to me. She says his being this busy is just temporary, but it's been nearly 3 months and shows no sign of changing. Oh well,... good luck to her. I will miss her terribly.
Well, it looks like the OM might be out of the picture. Maybe! She hasn't heard from him in a little over a week. Last time she talked to him she was depressed and drank too much, showed her darker emotions and he said he can't go there with her. Think she might have scared him off. I hope so!
I talked to her briefly when I went to give her divorce papers. I've been really trying to keep up NC and doing pretty good at it, but damn it's hard! Felt like my head was going to pop like a big zit a couple days ago, but I was able to keep from calling her.
She said she still thinks we need to divorce, but the a couple minutes into the conversation she kind of put it on me about filing saying if it's what I think I need to do. She's very confused obviously. I told her I didn't want to file and that I wanted to work on rebuilding our relationship, but if we can't come together and do the work then divorce is what has to be done.
She said we are probably co-dependent in ways we don't even realize, and I know she's right, but I would love to turn that co-dependence to interdependence.
I'm really hoping the OM is gone for good, and that she just needs more time to deal with the emotional attachment she developed there. I will keep up NC and keep working on me, but I know I can't let go of hope for reconciliation.
A neighbor came over a couple nights ago and we stayed up way too late babbling and drinking. Yesterday morning I woke up mildly hungover, but feeling for the first time that I could really be fine without her. I went for a long walk in the woods and just felt really good the rest of the day.
Today I picked up a couple really nice commissions, and got a call from a guy at an art magazine that want's to come out next week and do a story on me. I do wood sculpture and so did my wife until a few years ago when she damaged her neck and couldn't use the tools anymore. She was still very useful to our business, because her composition sense is excellent and her drawing abilities are far better than mine. She would do most of the design work on the larger sculpture projects.
While I'm happy about the work coming and the magazine thing, I'm feeling really down, because the person I really want to share that good news with isn't here anymore. I want to talk to her about it and I know she'd be happy to hear it, but I just can't. I'm determined to keep no contact until she's either in my arms or out of my head.
So anyway, one day you're up, next day you're down. Looking forward to the end of the rollercoaster ride. I never much cared for rollercoasters.
Fellow artist/designer here, just 2 weeks into NC and wondering if I will ever hear from stbxh again. Also doing really well work wise this week, and since I work alone, missing the sharing with spouse. Keep on posting, and know that you aren't alone in this.... Posted via Mobile Device
Well, I will say it again. What a difference a day makes.
I was really struggling this morning with trying to finish a few pieces that have to be delivered tomorrow. I needed help badly to get them painted. That is something She always did for me and she was great at it.
I really didn't want to call her, but I felt I had no other choice if I was going to get everything done in time, so I broke down and asked her to come over and help me get things finished.
We did a lot of talking while we worked and she said she'd been wanting to call and talk to me, but she wanted to give me my space. She said she wanted to just let go of all the baggage and move on with her life, but doing that meant throwing away everything we had and meant to each other. It was like throwing the baby out with the bath water(we both came up with the expression at the same time).
Since the OM has been out of the scene she's been looking at us from a different perspective. She told me that he broke it off with her because she had unfinished business here. Aw, what nice guy...ppthhpt!(raspberry sound). She was noticing that he may not be quite as special as she initially dreamed.
So anyway, she does want to work on our relationship. I told her we would have to take thing slow and not throw the problems that brought us to this point under the rug. She wholeheartedly agreed and we did start to discuss some issues. It felt like a very real and promising start. We'll see where it goes...fingers crossed.
Just be careful not to find yourself back at square one with the hurt again. Keep making the improvements to your self FOR YOU, not for her. I have to keep telling myself the same thing over and over. Get yourself to the point where you can be the best husband YOU can be, not the best husband for her, and in the end, if you want her to come along for the ride because she is the best wife for YOU, then you have made it.
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180 help needed 
