Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadwithouthim
I understand where justsolost is coming from and i understand what you are saying but it's not easy to always just move on. I've been trying for 15 months....when I think I'm there the next day I find myself upset and crying. How does one fully let go. I've tried keeping busy, exercising my ass off, reading recommended books, therapy, support groups...you name it. What's left? IDK....maybe I'm just nuts????
Im just saying sometimes its just hard to forget and give up on the person. I understand one needs to to get a life but sometimes one just can't do it. I believe time is the greatest healer combined with all those other things. Just a @#%$& getting there. Posted via Mobile Device
Believe me, I too know firsthand how difficult it can be to let go. In fact I almost feel fortunate for the hurt she caused me because I was able to use the pain and anger to get me out of that limbo faster. I also understand time is a healer, I'm a year out and still have those sad moments sneak up on me where I just suddenly collapse in hurt and bawl. However, in limbo the wound is still being inflicted, so time is not being used for healing its still just causing pain. Once he lets go and begins detaching then time will be to his advantage, but right now he is not doing himself favors. But he will move on when he's ready and there is nothing anyone can really do to make that decision for him, I'm just trying to reassure him that this shall pass.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lon
Believe me, I too know firsthand how difficult it can be to let go. In fact I almost feel fortunate for the hurt she caused me because I was able to use the pain and anger to get me out of that limbo faster. I also understand time is a healer, I'm a year out and still have those sad moments sneak up on me where I just suddenly collapse in hurt and bawl. However, in limbo the wound is still being inflicted, so time is not being used for healing its still just causing pain. Once he lets go and begins detaching then time will be to his advantage, but right now he is not doing himself favors. But he will move on when he's ready and there is nothing anyone can really do to make that decision for him, I'm just trying to reassure him that this shall pass.
Like you, Lon, we all get somewhat delusional when we think back to a point in time with our partner that nearly mirrored perfection. It's so real that you think that you can just reach out and feel it, sell it, or taste it! Like you, I'm for all intents and purposes, a year out, at least in separation, and it doesn't seem all that real despite the meandering proceedings of litigation.
But it's all too real, and I don't ever want to embrace that pain and betrayal again. God has plans for all of us who are affected by these traumas, and I'll just choose to leave that with Him. I truly believe that there is something better waiting out there for all of us!
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Sad,
If you want to move this to another thread, feel free.
I think this whole issue is pretty "universal". I'll give you an example. At one point, I was so smitten with my wife that I clung like a june bug. She was "everything" I never had. Beautiful, sexy, smart, and had a real edge.
We now live separately. She now often says she doesn't feel like I care what happens to her anymore.
What changed?
I finally see her for what she is. Yes, I still love her. But, I also understand that for someone with her issues, what I was doing before would NEVER result in a good life for me.
In other words, I have now claimed my happiness. I quit grinning and bearing it when she was unreasonable. I stood up to her and - of course - she moved out, as I always feared she would.
I can honestly tell you that I am happier now than at any point in our marriage. I'm sure it shows in my writing. And, I wouldn't be any less "happy" if we get divorced.
For your see, my wife is one of those broken people I write about so often. Understanding her pain and behavior as that of a damaged child helped me come to grips with what was actually going on. Instead of excusing it and "coping" as I had in the past, I transcended it.
But, to see through her, I had to first see through me.
When you understand situations things change. Hearts change. But, most of all, you change. Others may change in response. But, that's really up to them.
Tell me about him. Tell me about you.
Maybe we can shed some light on this that will give you some much hoped for relief.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by proudwidaddy
Right now I feel the only way to get past this, to move on is through death Posted via Mobile Device
You will get past this. We all know it is the most awful thing to go through, but we have to be strong for ourselves and our kids.
Hang in there....you can do it! Are you on any antidepressants? It seems to be helping me so far and it's only been a few weeks since I started. It just helps you deal a little better.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by proudwidaddy
Right now I feel the only way to get past this, to move on is through death Posted via Mobile Device
That's the way I felt in January-February. Fast-forward to now and apart from a few sad moments, I am in a much better place. I just kept moving forward, Proud, no matter what.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadwithouthim
I'm trying to make better sense of this statement. The whole not missing me part has hurt me to no end. How does someone not miss someone after being with them for 22 years? What are you saying we are doing by being down our spouses don't seem to miss us? Wouldn't lack of that feeling upset anyone? Posted via Mobile Device
It is like this.
Thinking about whether or not the person that left us is thinking about us or missing us is giving them power over us. Simply put, we are seeking the X's approval for something deep down we know to be true. If we are good people or not. If we are lovable. If what we had was real.
So, when we ask ourselves, "I wonder if they miss me at all" we seek validation from them. We are seeking our own worth from them. I know it is hard to think like this, but you are not together, you are separate or divorced, and you have been, most likely if you are here, wronged in someway by THEM.
The person that hurt you the most in your lifetime, most likely, is not the person to seek out self worth, or self validation from. Can you see how backwards this way of thinking is?
"Hey you shot me! Do you still love me?"
The place you gotta get is here. Not giving a damn about whether or not they miss you. That shows that they no longer have a hold on you. They don't have your heart.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by Traggy
It is like this.
Thinking about whether or not the person that left us is thinking about us or missing us is giving them power over us. Simply put, we are seeking the X's approval for something deep down we know to be true. If we are good people or not. If we are lovable. If what we had was real.
So, when we ask ourselves, "I wonder if they miss me at all" we seek validation from them. We are seeking our own worth from them. I know it is hard to think like this, but you are not together, you are separate or divorced, and you have been, most likely if you are here, wronged in someway by THEM.
The person that hurt you the most in your lifetime, most likely, is not the person to seek out self worth, or self validation from. Can you see how backwards this way of thinking is?
"Hey you shot me! Do you still love me?"
The place you gotta get is here. Not giving a damn about whether or not they miss you. That shows that they no longer have a hold on you. They don't have your heart.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Thanks for the advice and discourse here, everyone. It's really helped. Since I made this thread, I think I have turned a corner. I am in IC, I am exercising and doing all the things I should. My counselor says I'm doing extremely well considering what I've gone through and that it's only been 3 months.
My focus has now shifted to where I do not think about her all the time, not even every day now. I can now imagine life without her and have identified things that are better now without her.
Up until about the time I made this thread, I would say that if she were to say she wanted to come back, I would take her, then I said I would have to think about it, but take her back. Now I don't believe I would take her back. I'm pretty much at "Here's a quarter, call someone who cares."
It helps that I have the attention of a few other females now (not getting into anything committed), I got a new job that pays 50% more than my old one, and the IC is helping in all sorts of other ways I didn't even intend, much more than just getting over a dead relationship.
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Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all 
