She doesn't want to talk to me. Hasn't made any attempt to talk to me. It's been 3.5 months and I am still just completely devastated. I have my good days and bad, today is a bad day. I just miss her so much. I still love her. I'm losing all hope.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Just: You're like me except for the fact that I'm almost a year into the separation, which was facetiously executed by STBXW as a "trial separation." Now we're into a full-blown divorce proceeding.
It greatly appears that your wife has richly subscribed to the "180" in that she doesn't really want any form of reconciliation. Like yours, mine hurt just as much, but that hurt was brought on, for whatever reason, by the betrayal of my STBXW on allegedly shallow grounds; although I now greatly suspect that she had ulterior motives all along.
We've communicated by phone one time and I think that she actually placed that call to "fight" and to "vent." Other than that, the silence is deafening.
Do I love her? The only thing that I love about her is the perceived promise that we once had together. But from a rational standpoint, it is no longer there and never will be. I was duly abandoned by her and for whatever reason shall remain solely with her.
Continue you regimen of counseling because it will do you so much good than isolating yourself with those inner feelings about the past with her and your perceived promises of the future. If she won't talk to you for any reason, then you have been abandoned and it's truly time for you to move on. You might even consider going the 180 route yourself.
Trust me in saying that there's something far better waiting out there for you, but the journey there will not be an overnight one! I wish you well, my friend!
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
hi justsolost,
I understand where youre coming from, overwhelming pain, feelings of love still there, feeling like she doesn't miss you back...
They say it takes 21 days for someone to form a habit. So you can take comfort in the fact that she at least missed seeing you every day for that time.
Theres nothing you can do to MAKE someone love you. What you can do, is focus on yourself during this time. Counseling has helped me greatly, especially when i felt like i was saying the same things to my family/friends and they couldn't give me what i needed. A professional can.
Were you a happy person back when you didnt even know she existed on this earth? If so, you can return to that point.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Her missing you has nothing to do with you. All you are doing is trying to find self worth and validation from the last person in the world you need to be seeking it from.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Sorry to hear you're going through this. Sounds like everyone who's replied has been there.
I know what you're going through. I'm five months into a separation I did not want. What you're going through is just that - something you need to get through. More importantly, what are you doing to be part of your solution? Are you seeing an IC? Exercising? Keeping busy? Venting?
Back in January I did not know how I would possibly go on without my wife. I loved and missed her dearly. All I saw was black. I nearly took my own life twice and could not imagine worse emotional pain. Meanwhile, my ex was happy in career and ambition mode, living the romanticized life of a modern woman, as she put it. I loved her, and ultimately myself, enough to let her go.
This forum can be very helpful. Feel free to vent, ask for help, whine and celebrate your steps forward. It will be a mixed bag. We'll be here to listen, help and give you the occasional kick in the posterior.
Here a post I made a few weeks ago, one I never though I would ever write. Hope this helps:
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by Traggy
Her missing you has nothing to do with you. All you are doing is trying to find self worth and validation from the last person in the world you need to be seeking it from.
Love this! Sending it to my phone to remind myself.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by Traggy
Her missing you has nothing to do with you. All you are doing is trying to find self worth and validation from the last person in the world you need to be seeking it from.
This is worth reading over a few times, justlost. Your ego has been damaged. Traggy makes a ton of sense here.
Her missing you has nothing to do with you. All you are doing is trying to find self worth and validation from the last person in the world you need to be seeking it from.
I'm trying to make better sense of this statement. The whole not missing me part has hurt me to no end. How does someone not miss someone after being with them for 22 years? What are you saying we are doing by being down our spouses don't seem to miss us? Wouldn't lack of that feeling upset anyone? Posted via Mobile Device
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
JSL, you are in limbo, R is not on the table despite how much you want it to be. You need to stop pinning hope on something that is not currently happening and instead pin the hope on yourself that you will get out of this place, you will find happiness and a purpose to life outside of that place. It's certainly not all roses but its a hell of a lot better than being in a place where hope is lost, where you love someone who doesn't love you back. You need to emotionally detach from her if you want to have your life back.
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadwithouthim
I'm trying to make better sense of this statement. The whole not missing me part has hurt me to no end. How does someone not miss someone after being with them for 22 years? What are you saying we are doing by being down our spouses don't seem to miss us? Wouldn't lack of that feeling upset anyone? Posted via Mobile Device
Sure upset me. The rejection was crushing. I felt as if she was discarding an old shoe.
Sometimes people just fall out of love. Part of the hurt and missing them is a mix of feeling abandoned and rejected, but it's also a blow to our ego. The validation part means someone else's love/attention/affection/etc is tied to our self-worth. They leave and it's not just mourning the loss of the relationship, but feeling empty and ripped of self-esteem and self-confidence. Not the case for every separation, but I went through it. Took a while to rebuild myself and it's still a process.
JSL, you are in limbo, R is not on the table despite how much you want it to be. You need to stop pinning hope on something that is not currently happening and instead pin the hope on yourself that you will get out of this place, you will find happiness and a purpose to life outside of that place. It's certainly not all roses but its a hell of a lot better than being in a place where hope is lost, where you love someone who doesn't love you back. You need to emotionally detach from her if you want to have your life back.
I understand where justsolost is coming from and i understand what you are saying but it's not easy to always just move on. I've been trying for 15 months....when I think I'm there the next day I find myself upset and crying. How does one fully let go. I've tried keeping busy, exercising my ass off, reading recommended books, therapy, support groups...you name it. What's left? IDK....maybe I'm just nuts????
Im just saying sometimes its just hard to forget and give up on the person. I understand one needs to to get a life but sometimes one just can't do it. I believe time is the greatest healer combined with all those other things. Just a @#%$& getting there. Posted via Mobile Device
Sure upset me. The rejection was crushing. I felt as if she was discarding an old shoe.
Sometimes people just fall out of love. Part of the hurt and missing them is a mix of feeling abandoned and rejected, but it's also a blow to our ego. The validation part means someone else's love/attention/affection/etc is tied to our self-worth. They leave and it's not just mourning the loss of the relationship, but feeling empty and ripped of self-esteem and self-confidence. Not the case for every separation, but I went through it. Took a while to rebuild myself and it's still a process.
Make more sense?
It does make sense and i can see that but how does one know that's what's holding them back? I mean in my own case I'm told all the time I'm attractive and hit on and deep down I know I'm smart and i know I'm good at a lot of things so how can it be self worth I'm lacking? He's really put me through the ringer and yet I honestly can say if he's stopped the divorce proceedings and wanted to work on the marriage, I'm pretty sure I still would not hesitate even after all the hurt he caused.
I do think I have a bit of fear handling things on my own and starting a new life and hell....I don't really want to start over again after 22 years. Isn't that kind of being more lazy than lack of self worth? Maybe the fear of handling everything on my own is some lack of self worth? IDK...maybe I over think things....maybe why my head hurts constantly. I can agree on one thing....definitely pathetic on my part to keep missing someone who doesn't seem to miss me. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: I just want to know if she even misses me at all
Sad,
If I may, your moniker has always impressed me as honest. Of course, I've been hoping that you can find some peace and get to feeling better.
The real key here is personalization. The life you had with your husband has already largely ended. Yet, him filing is a sign of a mostly inevitable outcome.
Here's the thing: If you look upon this as your failure rather than give him credit for his part, it will haunt you forever.
Your husband clearly has some issues. Do you want to talk about them? Perhaps if you can "see him" more clearly, it will help you release yourself from this vise.
If I may, your moniker has always impressed me as honest. Of course, I've been hoping that you can find some peace and get to feeling better.
The real key here is personalization. The life you had with your husband has already largely ended. Yet, him filing is a sign of a mostly inevitable outcome.
Here's the thing: If you look upon this as your failure rather than give him credit for his part, it will haunt you forever.
Your husband clearly has some issues. Do you want to talk about them? Perhaps if you can "see him" more clearly, it will help you release yourself from this vise.
I can't argue there....I've blamed myself for everything and tried to do everything to make amends but he never seemed to care.
I know deep down he has his own issues...arrogance maybe? He's always had his priorities mixed up. I think getting married so young and being naive myself I didn't pick up on these thing and they didn't seem to bother me. As i got older and wanted more in our relationship it complicated things.
Yes, please share if you see things I don't or have advice.
Just....I hope you don't mind all my questions on your thread....your question was a good one and very much a situation in my own life. Maybe my questions and others advice will help answer yours more or give you some comfort. There has been many days some of the people on this board got me through them. Posted via Mobile Device
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I just want to know if she even misses me at all 
