brokenbythis

I was reading something today about respect and the feelings that come with it, and I realized I have no respect for my husband. I have not for many years. Reason being he is like a little boy. Immature, without boundaries. For years I have watched him be walked over, used and treated badly by so many people and he allows it. Then he turns around and talks about how much the sun shines out of their @ss. He allows the same people to treat me badly and anytime I tried to talk to him about my feelings he would explode in a fit of anger.

He has severe defence mechanisms in place and it is nearly impossible to talk to him about anything he does not want to hear. I get yelled at, called names, accused of trying to alienate his friends and family, then he storms out of the house and does not come back for hours.

Watching him take all this cr@p from people for so long, I used to think why don't you grow a spine? Slowly my respect for him just went away. Along with my affection, sex, everything really. Sad because I respected him so much when we got married, I thought he was a strong man, but he's not.

I don't know about you guys, but I expect my husband to not only be my friend and lover, but my protector (to some degree) as well. I don' t have to take years of verbal abuse from his friends and family and have him sit right next to me watching it and not intervening. By the way I would eventually tell them to knock it off... my husband just sat there doing nothing. Pathetic.

He says I expect too much from him, do I?

lamaga

Nope

Lon

You can't expect him to be someone he's not, but you can work with him and help shape the way he grows and the way the two of you grow together.

If he is not willing to protect you, then it seems that is one major male role he is not willing or capable of assuming - however maybe he felt you are the strong one when it comes to social conflict. Or maybe he doesn't perceive a threat because his defence mechanism for conflict is to simply let it bounce off of him. Maybe he was unaware of the attack you were under, and when you mentioned it after he probably felt bad and worthless for not recognizing it or feeling empowered to do anything about it.

If someone threatened to physically assault you would he run away, stand by paralyzed or intervene?

I have always been conflict avoidant too, when called out to a fight I simply don't show up, then if they call me a coward I just shrug my shoulders and say so what, what difference does it make that we didn't pound on each others faces? I have always thought that if necessary I have it in me to stand my ground but I've honestly never felt the need to. Maybe that is being a doormat, maybe it is just being wise, sounds like your H has the same attitude.

You can either understand the wisdom of not caring when people attack you and just letting it bounce, or you can try to make him fight for you, but to me that is just a form of manipulating him and he will build resentment to you.

Maybe learn to respect that your H is who he is and by choosing to stick with that is actually a form of self respect - he is disciplined and has self control, why do women consider that a bad thing or spinelessness and why is it such a turn off? When it counts he is probably the most loyal man you will ever know, and when it comes to a real threat he would probably lay his life on the line for you.

Conrad

brokenbythis,

Has he showed any spine with you?

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