Devastated and Depressed

I am 30 years old and I never thought I would get married until I met my husband. My husband and I got married on March 31st. We have not always had the easiest relationship because we are both very opinionated and strong-headed. However, there was no question or doubt that we loved each other and both wanted the best for each other.

Through the relationship, I have had jealousy issues and I have had issues with pressuring him and being pushy in certain situations. He is the type of person that bottles all of his anger and hurt inside and sometimes blows up because of it. He has a temper, but only when he is pushed to a certain point.

My jealousy issues are solely because of my own insecurities. It's not that he was cheating on me or anything. I just got jealous over ridiculous things. For example, if a pretty woman walked by and he glanced at her, I would become upset and mention it to him.

He would sometimes have these mood swings where he just wanted to be left alone. Instead of giving him his space, I would instead take it very personal and hound him about it. I would say things like, "Why are you treating me like this?" and "What did I do to deserve this?" The sad thing is, it was never usually personal against me. It was just him either grumpy about something at work or in a little bit of a bad mood. All he wanted was to be left alone and have time to get out of his mood. Instead, I would make him feel worse by harassing him as if his mood was a personal attack against me. Basically, just because I did not understand his behavior, I would assume that he was being grumpy with me personally, when he really wasn't.

Over time, before the wedding and after, this unhealthy behavior became a pattern and I gradually pushed him further and further. Then I would wonder why I felt I was losing his love, trust and faith in me. I used to blame him for "not loving me as much as I loved him." Yet, the whole time, I had been the one causing his distance from me.


Well our fights just got worse and worse because he was only able to take so much. He would sometimes try to leave and I would get so upset because I felt that he was giving up on me. I am ashamed to admit, I would block him from leaving and sometimes take his keys from him. I would be crying profusely and begging him not to leave and to calm down because at this point, he was irate and felt cornered by me.

We got into a really big fight four days ago. I took his keys again to try to prevent him from leaving and we got into a physical struggle over the keys. There was no hitting, only struggling for the keys. When I finally gave him the keys, after calming down a little and taking the advice of his mother, he left and went to her house. This is the first time he has actually left and stayed gone. He has been gone for four days. We have had small breakup fights before, but they never lasted long and we usually just resolved it the next day. Before we got married, he threatened to break off the wedding and after we got married, he threatened to divorce me, but never went through with it.

This time he is dead serious. He refused to see me in person or to even call me to discuss our relationship. He only responds once out of about every 10 text messages I send him, begging for him to give me another chance and to not throw our marriage away. His responses are always very impersonal. He has constantly been telling me, "I'm sorry. I have made up my mind." He tells me to stop torturing myself by begging him to come back home and work things out. He tells me that nothing will change his mind and that we have to start the healing process. He told me that our relationship is toxic and will only get worse.

This is the thing. I realize that he can only take so much and that I pushed him and pushed him and he is at the point of being fed up, but I honestly and genuinely want to correct my behavior. This is the first time I have actually come to the realization of my actions and what caused our relationship to start failing. I am not blaming myself entirely, but I am blaming myself for most of our problems because they all stemmed from me preventing him from being himself and giving him space to breathe. I am willing to go to counseling or whatever it will take to help me correct my behavior.

I don't even know why I get jealous. He treats me very well, he makes me feel beautiful, he married ME and he makes love to ME. I feel so ashamed and ridiculous for the way I have acted in this relationship. I have a really bad habit of needing to deal with issues 'right then and there' instead of giving him time to calm down or to think.

I've always known I've had these issues, but it wasn't until I realized that he was actually 100% leaving me, that I had a full realization of the entire relationship and the role that I played in it. I'm so terribly afraid that I realized all of this too late. I have begged and begged him to give me another chance. I have been texting him repeatedly because he won't talk to me or see me in person. This is also pathetic, but I am just so afraid of losing him. Everyone is telling me that if I give him his space and step back, he may come back, but I know him and I know once he sets his mind like this, he does not go back. He's extremely stubborn and anal about sticking to decisions he makes.

I am willing to do anything it takes to work through this. I took marriage very seriously and really believe that divorce is not an option. I believe in 'for better or worse' and that two people who love each other, make efforts to improve. I know marriage is not easy. I know I have a lot to learn, but I know I am on the right track by identifying what I need to change.


It's just that now it is probably too late. I am so heartbroken and depressed. I can't go a long time without bursting into tears. I feel dead inside. I feel like I lost my best friend. Regardless of our fights, we had this special closeness and were able to tell each other anything. I don't know what to do. I know everyone will probably tell me to step back and let him think, but he will just take that as me trying to move on and go through the healing process. I feel like I HAVE to let him know how bad I want to change and work on my issues. I just don't know why he refuses to give me a chance to work on things, especially when this is the first time that I actually fully realized my fault and had a burning desire to fix them. Please help me. Any feedback, guidance, constructive criticism is welcome. I am a complete wreck and I can't get it together. I'm afraid this is going to destroy me, especially if we have to go through the whole divorce process and he won't take me back. I have less than 1% hope that he will take me back and I know him very well.

gpa

Y r 30 now not 12.
Sometimes enough is enough.

jh52

You need to seek professional help to understand why you have these issues. It sounds like you have low self esteem. Seek the help to fix you. Then and only then will you be able to participate in a healthy relationship. I don't know what this means to your marriage or if your husband wants to help you get help -- but that is his decision. Wishing you the best.

Toffer

You're in serious need of counseling.

Get started NOW. You'll be unable to move forward until you deal with yourissues.

It also sounds like your hubby could use counseling too but you can only be responsible for yourself at tis point

keko

Find an individual counsellung for yourself, after that ask your husband to join you at a marriage counselling.

I'm sorry for the situation you're in but at this point your actions will speak older then words.
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PBear

My thoughts are similar to the others... Focus on addressing your issues. That probably means counselling.

This has two benefits. First, it will demonstrate that you recognize that there's a problem, and you're serious about addressing it. This may be enough for him to give you another chance.

It also puts you in a much healthier state if unfortunately things don't work out with your husband. Otherwise, you'll just be posting this all over again.

How long did you date before getting married? What was your relationship like then? What about prior relationships?

C
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lamaga

Yes to all the above. And leave him alone -- every single text you send just reinforces his belief that you will never mend your ways. I know that you love him, but please, respect him enough to give him the space he has begged for.

Coffee Amore

Please get help for yourself NOW. You're not emotionally ready for marriage. You need to dig down deep and figure out why you behave this way.

You need to stop contacting him. It probably feels smothering to him. There's nothing another email or text or call will accomplish other than to confirm what he already thinks about you. You're doing no favors for yourself by reinforcing your previous actions. By contacting him when he's asked for space, you're showing his feelings don't matter. Listen and respect the boundary he's set up for himself. It's the first step in showing you're taking actions to change. The second step is to call a reputable therapist for individual counseling. You have a lot of issues to resolve through therapy.

Good luck.

Devastated and Depressed

Thank you for all the advice and suggestions. I know all of you are right and I know I need to focus on myself and get counseling. I really am a good person with a good heart. I just allow my emotions to get the best of me. It's been hard, really hard to focus and try to do everyday things. I find myself struggling to find happiness at all throughout the day. He has been communicating with me through text still. I suggested counseling to him, but he is not open to it. The hardest thing I will have to do is to realize that it is over and start my healing process. I have to seek counseling and I've asked some friends if their church organizations offer free counseling, since my finances are limited, especially considering that I am now responsible for all the bills in the house by myself. I really want to be able to wake up one morning and not burst into tears. I want to be able to sleep without suddenly waking up in a hot sweat, realizing that this is all real and not a nightmare. I want to be able to get my appetite back up and do simple things like house cleaning and errands, but it's just so hard. My heart feels broken, destroyed, torn and empty. I just wish I could speed up time to a point where I can just smile again, about anything.

MyselfAgain

When you wake from your nightmares, can't eat, can't go an hour without crying...remember that you at not alone. I am going through the exact same thing. Last night I had the worst dream I think I have ever had, and I have lost 12 pounds in two months. Don't even ask how often I cry, I'm not sure I even stop some days. Think of me and the probably thousands of others in the world sharing our feelings today. Hugs!
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Conrad

What was your childhood like?

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"Forgive or Re-Live"

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Devastated and Depressed

Conrad, I was adopted at age two. Because of this, I did have emotional problems (temper tantrums) growing up. My mom loves me a lot, but not knowing how to handle my behavior, she was in denial a lot. My father also loved me, but was constantly frustrated with me and he would hit me, between the ages of about 6-12 years old. My brother, who was a teenager, would also hit me. My mom and sister would just kind of avoid the situation and pretend like it didn't happen. When I got into my teenage years, I resented my dad a lot and I rebelled. I dated the wrong guys, skipped school, smoked marijuana, ran away from home, etc. I even went to juvenile detention centers a few times for running away. I had a boyfriend in high school who cheated on me a lot, but I kept going back to him.

When I turned 17, I started dating someone else and got pregnant a year into the relationship. My son's father was a decent guy. He had a good job, a good family, etc. He didn't use drugs or drink. However, when our son was only two months old, I found out that he cheated on me and got his ex-girlfriend pregnant. Hence, my son has a half brother that is not much younger than him. I was very distraught about this because I never imagined being a single mom, but I broke up with him and about a year later, started dating someone else.

The next guy I dated, I stayed with for almost 7 years. He was the one I got my first apartment with and we lived together for most of our relationship. I ended up cheating on him, though. I cared about him, but at that point in my life, I don't think I ever felt I could fully trust any man, so I always had reservations with him, even though I still, to this day, don't think he ever cheated on me. We tried to work through the fact that I cheated, but it was too difficult and we broke up.

I stayed single for a few years, dating casually but never really found anyone too interesting that I felt I could fall for. Then I met my husband. He was the ONLY man that I have ever loved with everything, the only man I was completely vulnerable to.

I think my childhood has a lot to do with my behavior today. My biological parents gave me up for adoption (I don't know why), my adoptive parents loved me but never really knew how to raise me or handle my emotional distress growing up. Every guy I've dated has screwed me over in some way until I got to the point of not even having faith in people in general. I have very few friends because I am very skeptical of people. My husband was my one and only true love. I think this is why I don't even know where to begin as far as getting over him.

EleGirl

In your post you say that you now realize that your actions caused many issues, you now realize that your actions were a problem. And now you want a chance to fix things. So what do you do? You hound him via text messages only showing that you have really learned nothing yet.

I agree with the others. Work on yourself now. Your history is not good in that you keep getting involved with guys who cheat on you. This reinforces your insecurities. This is an area that you need a lot of help with.

One thing in your OP that I wonder about is why is your husband moody so much? I'm thinking that he has a problem. Then your reaction to it is a problem. So there is a cycle. Most people are seriously bothered when their partner is always moody. Sounds to me like you both have issues. He sounds far from perfect.

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Devastated and Depressed

I have definitely not resolved my issues, but I can identify my faults. I also know it is wrong to continue to text him.

His issue is that he has been through a lot of pain in his life. His father left when he was about 8 years old, which is really a painful age to lose your father. He has no contact with him and hasn't for years. My husband also lost his grandmother to cancer several years ago, who he was closer to than his own mother. Finally, he had a son with his ex-girlfriend and they ended up breaking up and she moved back to another state. Therefore, my husband hardly gets to see his son, maybe about four times a year, if that. All of these painful events in his life have caused him to bottle up his hurt. He NEVER shows weakness. He will portray to everyone that nothing gets to him, but inside I know it kills him. I know and his mother knows, but pretty much no one else. He is very good at emotionally detaching himself from painful situations. This is what he is doing with our break up as well. We both have hearts of gold and are really good genuine people. I think that's why we had a special connection, but our problems and issues started to outweigh everything good. He does not believe in counseling, he says. Honestly, I don't think he doesn't believe in it. I think he is scared to go to counseling because it will for once, force him to actually open up a large can of worms that started from when he was a child.

fallensoldier

I agree with everyone here. You need your own help first. You have a passion for being in control. You need to get help so you can let the man of the house be the man of the house. Show him you want to change. Get help and then try to win his heart back. In the meantime leave him alone.