I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Going Through Divorce or Separation » I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

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Old 05-09-2012, 05:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

I am just wondering if anyone feels the same. We are 70 days into this mess. While I asked for the separation, and anticipate a divorce, I am beginning to feel very sad. There were so many things wrong, but I don't hate the man. I feel bad for hurting him. I wish there was some way to be "best friends, without benefits." I think that might be what I am feeling is that I lost my best friend. For the past 5 or 6 years, I have felt more like we were best friends/business partners, than lovers. We have been married for almost 29 yrs. I was 19 when we were married, he was 23. Even though I don't love him as a wife should love a husband, I have familial love for him, and I miss him that way....comments?
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

Ouch. It's hard, isn't it? I think what you are feeling is very normal -- of course you love him, you spent a good chunk of your life with him. That does not a marriage make.

I'm so sorry -- I also was the one who left, so I had to bear the sadness along with the guilt of everyone blaming me. I know where you are. It does get easier, and I think it speaks very well of you that you are still able to acknowledge your feelings of affection and caring.
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

Thanks, and yes...I feel like everyone is looking at me as the "Bad Guy."
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

Oh, mixed, been there. I left one of those guys who was a great guy to everybody, but a terror at home. Everyone hated me. But you know what? It was the right thing to do, and I've never regretted it.

People will judge, but people don't know what you go through behind closed doors. Do what you need to do for you, and hold your head high. They don't get to live your life.
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

I know those feeling all to well too.

30 yr marriage, ending, ... "bc my love wasn't strong enough towards him, to get through his 2 year affair together,... intact !”

~sammy
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Old 05-16-2012, 08:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

Did you ever keep in contact with that old boyfriend from your youth??
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Old 05-16-2012, 10:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

Yes, we have kept in touch.
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Old 05-16-2012, 11:27 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

You made your choice. He doesn't owe you anything.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I initiated the separation, but I'm so sad

So hard for me to comment on this without taking it personal, mainly because for almost the entire duration of my relationship / marriage with my stbxw she too had kept feelings for her previous relationship.

This 5 months relationship (4 1/2 months of it long distance, only 2 weeks physical) held such a strength in her heart it competed with our 7 year relationship and our family (2 kids).

It became too much, her repeated contact with this man caused serious problems in our marriage. Everytime she would do it (3 serious events in 7 years) we would try to work through it .. but the damage was done.

No trust, no respect .. nothing. We fell apart and eventually the resentful feelings be both felt towards eachother (me resenting her for keeping this relationship around .. the things she said to this guy .. and her resentment from me not 'letting it go' and snooping to find the proof).. just too much.

Eventually this insecurity caused by these events started to effect our day to day lives. The personal relationships we both had with others outside of our marriage. I never felt comfortable with her going out and I never felt comfortable leaving the house because of fear she would use this time to rekindle things (which happened in the past).

Her 5 month 'relationship' with a man, which was a rebound from her previous 2 1/2 year relationship was 150% pure honeymoon stage. It never went the full circle, the end of the cycle was when she came back from her trip and met me .. I was the ending to that relationship.

We got pregnant with children, got married (which I later learned through the emails she sent him .. she talked herself into) and now we are no longer together, her choice .. and 'we are just no good for eachother'.

I wasn't good enough, I didn't provide enough, I couldn't let things go, me me me .. all my fault (apparently.) History of our relationship has been rewritten, all my efforts made to keep us together, the changes I made .. nothing like that ever happened to her.

Never given credit for the improvements I made. That was one of the last things I ever told her, how disappointing it was to not feel the validation of my efforts.

Do I think she's a horrible person? No, she was a good mother to my children as a stay at home mom .. but it was the things that happened around the parenting that was the problem for me. The focus to the internet, the online relationships she forged so quickly, those bonds became so strong so fast.

There is a very large difference in viewpoints to our marriage between the both of us. She feels like you (if I may be so forward) .. she wasn't happy 'for years', things 'never changed' and we just aren't 'good together' .. we don't 'support eachother' and when we go out as a family 'look around at all the other families, they act so different than us'.

Now, not all those things may apply to how you have felt in your marriage, but just an idea of what she tells me.

From my perspective, no, things haven't been great. But we got married and starting a family young and going through the rough patches (financially etc) are what a lot of families go through. Although there were a lot of emotional problems between us, I still took pride in the strides we made raising our children on the pushing through we did.

She is now on her own at 27 years of age, working a new job for the first time in over a year (she quit the last one), living at her parents with no idea where she will be living by the end of the summer (parents are selling there home). Hoping to qualify for welfare housing.

These are the choices she made and there's nothing I can do about it other than what's best for me and the children.

With that said, what's best for me and the children will most likely butt heads with her views of what's good for her and the children .. which is the problem at hand.

You felt unhappy in your marriage, so you called for the separation. I personally feel that certain things need to just be brought to terms. Not everything is perfect .. the grass may be greener on the other side, but at what cost?

There is a large part of me that wishes my stbxw felt like you do. Even that hint of turmoil of the choice she made .. but as of 5 days ago she doesn't even want to consider reconciling because 'we are just no good for eachother'.

I needed to cut off all contact with her, other than the children. I cannot be friends with her at this current time and it has really made things difficult from a co-parenting situation.

From what you have said, I have no doubt in my mind you are struggling with this .. but so is he. You made your choice, but that doesn't mean it was the last choice you will ever get to make.

Think of what you want, consider if it's actually doable .. and go from there.


Hope some of this ramble (sorry for it being a little self involved) helped in anyway..
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