endofstory

Well, I got an email again from STBXH early today. Writing me that he is really going to finalize our seperation tomorrow. After 7 months he's really going to do it..
I spent last night crying my eyes out after my children fell asleep. I have never felt so alone and the feeling of him abandoning me and the children was so painful. I almost called to tell him not to it, but I stopped myself. I have lost him, the person I once loved so much and trusted...the only person I thought would stay by my side always.. but he is not here anymore. I also think that his OW has much to do with this..He told me that he is so convinced that she will be a good wife for him in the future...

I know there is a brighter future for me and my girls..but it's just so damn hard. I guess I still have difficulties beliving everything that he has done...he choices.. I am still asking myself over and over and over again.. " How could he do this". I ask myself that same question all the time. When I've asked him that question before, his answer was " I was pushed to make these choises"

I wonder if he will ever admit his mistakes? I wonder if he ever will realize the pain he has caused me and his children?

solitudeseeker

Maybe some day, many years from now, our husbands might pause long enough to ponder the consequences of their actions. Right now they are totally focused on their own lives and leaving us behind as quickly as they can, because they wronged us, and they know it. They can't stand looking at us right now. They feel guilty as hell, but they're not willing to reveal that to us, or even to themselves.

Right now, they will do anything to justify what they have done, put their needs first, convince themselves that it's not that big a deal, and plunge ahead without a backward glance at the wake of devastation they are leaving behind. If they did, they'd feel like crap, and they can't deal with that.

You and I are left picking up the pieces, trying to cobble something of a family back together with a father vanished, and find a way to breathe again. Nothing is harder, but this is what we are facing now. We are looking at new territory. We have no choice but to start walking.

Try not to wonder too much about what is going on in his head, and if he will ever feel sorrow at what he has done. That wastes your precious energy. Screw him. It's time to be as selfish as he has been, and take care of yourself as best you can.

I'm sorry you are suffering. Those nights of crying and hoping your child doesn't hear you are very familiar to me. One day at a time, one breath at a time. **hugs**

endofstory

Solitudeseeker,I totally agree with him not able to face me. Its his way avoiding facing the pain he has caused me..
I understand why he has been busy pointing blame on me these last few months. Everything was my mistake, I was difficult to be with, I was this and that..

I've spent two hours cleaning my closet today..
It was not really necessary, but I usually clean when I get emotional.
I found some of his stuff..what was left by him..I remember I hid his stuff in a box way back in the closet.. I did'nt want to see it everyday so I put it all away.. I dont know.. maybe in a way, not intentionally, I was looking for his things..
I saw some pix of him and me. I also saw a note from him to me he wrote years ago. I remember this note when I came home from work.. It said " I want to take you out to dinner tonight, I love you, wife"..
I could'nt stop crying..then I saw a little box. It was my wedding ring in that box..but I did'nt open it..
I put everything back and shoved it way back in the closet again..
Little things with so much memories.. Oh God..give me strenght...