THEIR vaca in OUR spot
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Old 05-13-2012, 01:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default THEIR vaca in OUR spot

My STBXH, son, & I had a special vacation spot. We only went there a few times, but it had a lot of meaning to us, & we had decided it was "our" spot. STBXH is going there soon w/his OW, her kids, & his mom. He's been living w/OW since he bagged on us a year ago.

Weird thing- the VERY last thing we did together as a family was go there on vaca. The last time he & I had sex together was there in the bed that he & OW are going to be sleeping in. I think it def shows what a skeez she is...I would flip if a guy wanted to take me to his & his wife's special place, but she's excited, going on & on on fb. WTF?!

The issue, though, is they're wanting our 13yo son to go. I feel that's wrong on so many levels. His memories of his family should be preserved, IMO, & that place, especially, since it was the last thing we did together.

I don't know if my view on this is clouded by how skeeved out I am by STBXH & OW. Should I just suck it up & let him go? Thanks for any input. Good or bad, I can take it.
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

Some questions need to be answered here.

1. How long have you been separated?
2. How long have your STHXH and OW been together?
3. What is in your separation agreement WRT overnight guests with kids present?
4. What is your custody agreement?
5. What is YOUR opinion of this situation? This is, after all, your son and it sounds like you and your STBXH are still married. If this is the case, then your son will be seeing that adultery is okay and acceptable if he goes. He will see that when the going gets tough, dad just kicks mom to the curb and replaces her. Not something a vulnerable teenager needs to see about marriage IMHO.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

Thank you for responding. For some reason, I'm a thread killer on this site. For real. Personality just doesn't come through in my posts I guess. Maybe, too, I should have put this in the fam/par forum. I'd move it if I knew how.

Anyway, to answer your questions-
1- separated beginning of May 2011

2- He moved right in w/her. They were talking & seeing each other for a year b/f he moved out.

3/4- We don't have anything official in place. I know I sound stupid, & I'm totally getting shafted financially. I've called lawyers, but they want the retainer up front, & I just don't have it. A few friends told me their lawyers let them make payments even on the retainer, but they turned out to be sh***y lawyers. I'm hoping I can borrow the $.

5- I absolutely agree w/you, & I worry a lot about how this is going to affect my son, especially since he knows the truth (not all the details) but doesn't seem too phased by OW's actions. He's met her & thinks she's awesome. I kept him away from her, but they live four hours away, so w/o a lawyer's help, I couldn't keep saying no. My son has been to their house twice. The first time, I insisted OW not sleep there. I was the bad guy, though. My son actually said he was disappointed in me. He didn't want things hidden from him & wanted them to act "normal" when he was there.

I've accepted that my son is going to be around OW. If they were going on vaca anywhere else, I wouldn't like it, but I'd let him go. It just seems really wrong that they're wanting to take my son on a "family" vaca to the exact house he stayed in one year ago w/his actual, now broken, family. The morning after we got back from that vaca, my H left. It's all really twisted, isn't it?
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Old 05-13-2012, 05:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

You don't sound like a thread killer partly cloudy; besides threads aren't even in season this time of year. I am going to share a little bit of advice with you today. Before I do that though, you are obviously seeking validation; so I hereby validate you. What did that change? How did it make your life better?

You are obviously hurting. Tend to your wounds. Yes, what he is doing is crappy, and yes you deserved better. Yes, it is in poor taste for him to take this hole without a soul to a spot that was special to you. However, you can't control him. You couldn't inside your marriage, so you certainly won't be able to outside of it. The moment you stop trying to control the situation, and you start to embrace it for what it is; that is the moment your wounds will begin to knit, and you will start to heal.

My stbx is at the coast today, on a weekend that I traded to her so she would have mother's day. My reward for this kindness, she notified me that she will "probally" drop them off by 9:00. A year ago I would have been pissed, and would of ranted and raved about 6:00 pm and court orders. Now, I just realize that is what she is, and it just affirms me that our upcoming divorce is the right move for me. Instead of getting pissed, I had lunch with our son and am going to drive up into the canyon with our daughter.

I don't know if she took her boyfriend with her or not. I agree it sets a horrible example, but then the burden is placed on me to set a good one. You will get there partly cloudy. It just takes time, and the healthy realization you can't control your stbx. Trust me, this shift initially isn't easy, but when you get there your sky will be sunny again.

Just one man's thoughts

Lil
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Last edited by lastinline; 05-13-2012 at 05:23 PM.
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Old 05-13-2012, 05:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

How do you know what she is doing on FB? have you seriousley got her in your news feed?...

I say let your STBXH do what he likes without getting upset, if he wasnt such an ar****** then he wouldnt be your STBXH. So expect it.

However as far as your son going with them goes, personally I would not rest until i had put a stop to it. Any protests from anybody, let them be met with a silence or a "dont you dare" topped off with a door in their face, you have no business in what your STBXH does with his OW..what your 13yo son does with them is your business entirely.Throw a fast ball, offer him something FAR better
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Old 05-13-2012, 05:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

I got custody from a stay at home mom of all six of our children. The kids courts may not care about adultery in your state, but they do care about character. Let this man slit his own throat. Never interupt your enemy while he is making a mistake.

Be gracious, if I made one major mistake that was it. Contact a lawyer, or better still a mediator. File a child support claim, and start taking care of yourself and your son, but do it with a gentle dignity. Don't slam doors, or curse. Trust me when I tell you that in 10 minutes after the fact all you will still have is a jacked up door.

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Old 05-13-2012, 07:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

PC,
I have made it very clear to my STBXW that she is NOT to take the kids around OM for the time being. It will be written into our agreement that there will be no overnight stays (11 PM - 8 AM) the following morning and NO public displays of affection in front of our children. I will not tolerate her teaching our children that adultery is okay and marriage is a throw away institution. I know that I have no control over her nor do I want any but when it comes to my children, I DO have control over what kind of things they are exposed to. We have laws for a reason, use them to your advantage.
You also don't need a lawyer to do a divorce. That is only for contested divorces. In most states, since you are separated physically, you can go to Juvenile and Domestic relations court and obtain support orders. You can file for child and spousal support there. This is free of charge to access this court and you won't need a lawyer. He in VA, it's simply a form that you fill out and then come back and sign the petition. It is then filed and your ex is served with a notice of hearing. You go to the hearing and obtain the orders. It's that simple. You can get custody, child support, and spousal support done this way. Then once you wait the required time, simply file for a no fault divorce and be done all without the expense. Best of luck here.
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Old 05-15-2012, 06:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

Thanks, guys.
I actually live in a state that likes being known for its conservative views on marriage (shown by recent amendment ) & still factors in adultery when determining support & custody. MVA, thanks for the court info. I thought child support was the only thing I could do w/o a lawyer.

Gdub (sorry, couldn't resist), I only see what OW puts on STBXH's, though she did friend me back when she was trying to steal him so I wouldn't be suspicious. Oh & thanks, the fast ball is a wicked good idea; I'm working on it.

STBXH has put this vaca thing on me. My son knows it's my decision whether he gets to go. Lucky me.

Lil, I gotta give you props...wow...six kids...you're pretty amazing One is hard for me sometimes.
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

PC,
If you are referring to NC, it is a no fault state. Not sure if adultery is going to factor in or not. But yes, your decision if your son goes or not. Good luck.
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Old 05-15-2012, 10:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

I thought all fifty states had adopted no-fault divorce laws. Am I incorrect? I meant his adultery will help me w/custody & spousal support. The lawyer I talked to would like to nail him to the wall, but I don't want all that. He deserves it, but I don't feel it's for me to punish him. He'll get what's coming to him eventually. I just want to be able to take care of my son & myself while I get through school, & he makes gobs more $ than I do.

I think I've decided. My son wants to go on this trip, so I'll get to be the bad guy since STBXH told him it's my call. I can handle it. I think he needs me to say no. Whole other story, but he's said some things lately that make me think he's trying to be perfect so dad doesn't replace him w/OW's kids. It's sad.
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Old 05-16-2012, 03:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

Partly,
First off, what is it with lazy men and a total lack of imagination. You guys had a good vacation spot and its too much trouble to find a new one? Or is the OW wanted to muscle in on your territory? Either way, yuck.
I got my STBX to sign papers with a morals clause, no overnight with the opposite sex when children present. They're hard to enforce, but at least its a deterrent.
Stay tough on your decision. You are NOT the bad guy. Both your ex and your son have to be aware that there are consequences for his decisions. Clearly, he is not thinking of the best interest of your son, so you get the honor. You are a strong woman and you can do it.
Have you asked your attorney about an alienation of affection suit if you are in NC. They are one of the few jurisdictions that still recognize that cause of action. Just a thought.
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Old 05-16-2012, 03:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry, I know this is painful. Exquisitely painful.

However, I would encourage you to separate painful from legal.

It is horrible that he is taking your son and his new gal to your vacation spot.

That has nothing to do with legal custody, and I doubt any lawyer would consent to adjusting the decree to deal with that.

Morals clauses are crap, which is why they are not enforceable.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: THEIR vaca in OUR spot

So, I caved. I'm still not sure what the "right" thing to do is, but my son wants to go. Since we didn't get to go there that many times, he doesn't see that place as being as special as my STBXH & I did.

Even b/f my STBXH left, he barely had any time w/his son b/c of traveling so much for work (there was even less time once he started taking make-believe work trips so he could see OW). He still chose to move more than 4 hours away. He still chose to leave to move right in w/OW...& her kids. Yet now I'm an evil b!tch keeping my son from seeing his father unless I throw out my beliefs on right & wrong & marriage & let him be around them. Go figure
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