I miss him so much - but I have to let him go
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Old 05-15-2012, 03:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I miss him so much - but I have to let him go

Well, here I am again in what we call Emotional rollercoaster. I've been crying my eyes out these last few days after my STBXH last week said that he is going to finalize our seperation.
So, days have past..I go from crying to cursing him. But most of the time I'm so down and depressed, especially when I think about my children and the fact that he has'nt seen or talked to his children in 3 months. And by the way he is living his life now, I dont think he has any intentions of doing so in the nearest future.
Last night before I went to sleep, I read " Just let them go" written here in TAM
Today on my way to work while driving I suddenly smiled and I thought to myself that me and my girls are going to be OK. We are going to be OK. I suddenly felt less heavy inside. I felt like I have been carrying something heavy for a long time and today I feel more light, laid back. I've smiled alot today and been cheerful. I read " Just let them go" several times today too at work. It has helped me reading this beacause it so true.. Its about having respect for yourself in the end...eventhough it so hard and painful. When I decieded to make my STBXH make a choice last week, it was me telling him to get off the fence, I am not giving him another month or two to make up his mind. I told him that OK you want to end this marriage, then file. You want to be with that OW, then file. It's your choice. I told him that when he decieded to have a relationship with that woman was the day he made his choice...but you have to file.
Yes it was painful to hear him say that he is going to finalize our seperation, but still I know now that at least I dont have to wonder anymore. At least now I know that I dont have to wait for him to get off the fence anymore. I think this is why I feel less heavier and it's better knowing even if it hurts deeply than living wondering. I cant live like that anymore. I cannot be an option for him anymore.

I love him and I miss him all the time.. But I love the man and miss the man he once was. The man I love and miss had moral values, tenderness and had a big heart. A man that would do anything for me and our children. The man I love would never leave home without kissing his daughter first and rush home from work just to play with her. That man is not here anymore.
I miss that man soooo much but in my heart I have to let him go. Beacause that man is gone.
I strongly belive that if it's meant to be us then that man will come back one day and I will be more than happy to take him back. But if he does'nt then it was never meant to be us.

I know that even in the future I will still feel sad when I think about him. What he gave up...what he missed while his children was growing up. I know too that I can look at myself and my children knowing that I did'nt leave their father or leave them.

I strongly recommend you all going through this to read "just let them go" everytime when you are at your lowest point. Read it everyday. And also read the story about " the Progidal Son".


Nighty night
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Old 05-15-2012, 06:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss him so much - but I have to let him go

Endofstory
Your post really touched me. I can feel your pain and your heartbreak through your words. I have been through what you are going through now and it's a place which is all consuming with hurt, pain and sadness.
My H also left me for another woman. We had 18 years and 3 children together. The pain I felt in my heart was like nothing on this earth. We are now in R. It's early days but things are going well.
Anyway I just wanted to tell you that everything you are feeling is normal. I also read the 'let them go'' post and it really helped me.
I started slowly rebuilding my life without him and put all my focus on me and the children. I told him I didn't want to be part of his drama. Releasing myself from that really helped. Do you know what else helped? I could look at my children without guilt and know whatever the outcome I did everything I could do to save my marriage and it made me feel good.

Be kind to yourself honey. Have some treats, spend time with friends and as hard as it is try and have some fun.
I am so sorry you are hurting. When my H left it was like he had died and I grieved for the past and the future.
Be strong honey, you have 3 children who need you to be the best mummy you can be.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers
DG
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Old 05-15-2012, 07:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss him so much - but I have to let him go

End at least a decision has been made, limbo is hell, now you can move foward for yourself and your girls
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Old 05-16-2012, 03:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss him so much - but I have to let him go

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Originally Posted by daisygirl 41 View Post
Endofstory
Your post really touched me. I can feel your pain and your heartbreak through your words. I have been through what you are going through now and it's a place which is all consuming with hurt, pain and sadness.
My H also left me for another woman. We had 18 years and 3 children together. The pain I felt in my heart was like nothing on this earth. We are now in R. It's early days but things are going well.
Anyway I just wanted to tell you that everything you are feeling is normal. I also read the 'let them go'' post and it really helped me.
I started slowly rebuilding my life without him and put all my focus on me and the children. I told him I didn't want to be part of his drama. Releasing myself from that really helped. Do you know what else helped? I could look at my children without guilt and know whatever the outcome I did everything I could do to save my marriage and it made me feel good.

Be kind to yourself honey. Have some treats, spend time with friends and as hard as it is try and have some fun.
I am so sorry you are hurting. When my H left it was like he had died and I grieved for the past and the future.
Be strong honey, you have 3 children who need you to be the best mummy you can be.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers
DG
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Daisygirl, thank you. I've read your story and I am so happy for you and your husband. I do hope that love and marriage will be stronger then ever.
May I ask how long you two were separated? Or how long it took for him to "open his eyes" ?
When I read your story I got inspired to not give up my marriage. I've always told him that if he really wants to end our marriage, he will be the one to do it.
He should do all the work. But he cant have both.. I told him last time, Ok..you want out then file and donít wait another 7 - 8 months . If you really want to be with that
OW fine, but you have to file.
I wanted him to do all the decisions. He made his choices. I am crushed, Daisygirl.. But at least I feel I've regained my selfrespect, my dignity, because
I did'nt let him string me along anymore. In a way it was my way to tell him that I am not an option anymore..I'm taking myself out of the playing board. In
a way this give me inner peace.

When I read the story about "the Progidal Son " it reminded me a lot about him. I do belive that he is lost. And I do belive that the lost ones
have to fall down before they realize their actions..
The thruth is that I may be angry and hurt by his actions, but deep down inside I feel sorry for him, I have never seen a person so lost

Last edited by endofstory; 05-16-2012 at 03:23 AM.
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Old 05-16-2012, 03:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss him so much - but I have to let him go

If you replace all the he/his/hims with she/hers/her in your post, then it is pretty much my story. I know I need to let her go and it is soooooooo hard at times. There are so many reminders of her everywhere I go and there is so much of her personality in my son (whom I am the primary carer).

Reading through all the posts on TAM it is amazing how many people are in the same boat. There is some great support here from people who have been through it. I think I have found better advice here than what I get from my individual counselor!!

You post moved me - hang in there. It'll be a tough road but focus on yourself and your kids and you will be fine.

Cheers,
Mark
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Old 05-16-2012, 03:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss him so much - but I have to let him go

Unsure, you're right. Now I have more inner peace. It's better knowing than living and wondering all day in and day out. You become tired of it. I feel like I can go on with my life now

I smile more now when I plan things to do in the future with my girls, with my friends and family. He is no longer included in those plans . I smile when I set goals for me and my girls because I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS know that I was the one who did all the hard work
providing for them a good future, I sure will try the best I can.
I never checked out eventhough it was tough. It makes me happy thinking about seeing my children growing up and the opportunities I've been given by God doing so.
This is real happiness..
Will he be able to feel this way knowing what he left behind? I donít think so
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss him so much - but I have to let him go

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Originally Posted by Mothra777 View Post
If you replace all the he/his/hims with she/hers/her in your post, then it is pretty much my story. I know I need to let her go and it is soooooooo hard at times. There are so many reminders of her everywhere I go and there is so much of her personality in my son (whom I am the primary carer).

Reading through all the posts on TAM it is amazing how many people are in the same boat. There is some great support here from people who have been through it. I think I have found better advice here than what I get from my individual counselor!!

You post moved me - hang in there. It'll be a tough road but focus on yourself and your kids and you will be fine.

Cheers,
Mark
Mothra777, thank you..
I know its hard and it's tough when you are places that reminds you of her. The memories you two had in that special spot. Maybe you can try the best you can to avoid those places. I do..for now..beacause my wounds are still fresh. I avoid places around where we use to live or hang out..it's soooo hard Mothra, I know..but at some point you have to let her go...for your sanity. Its true what they say about if its meant to be you two, it will happen..even if it takes years...I belive that...

Read "Just let them go" often..We have TAM and your're right..reading post here,getting advise from TAM members has helped me and others alot..
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:21 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss him so much - but I have to let him go

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Originally Posted by endofstory View Post
Daisygirl, thank you. I've read your story and I am so happy for you and your husband. I do hope that love and marriage will be stronger then ever.
May I ask how long you two were separated? Or how long it took for him to "open his eyes" ?
End

My H and i were physically separated for just over 3 months, but he had been emotionally checked out for at least 9 months before that when his EA/PA started.

Its difficult to explain, and i know all our situations are different, but at the beginning of his EA he was completely blindsided and emotionally cut off from me. We did try to R last summer but i knew his heart just wasnt in it. It actually took him moving out in December for and spending the time away from me and the children for him to start to "open his eyes". He was in a very bad place, and i am adamant to this day that he was also going through a mlc.
Within 3 weeks of his EA becoming PA and it being exposed to his workplace (she was a co worker) he finished it. I had also started letting go and implementing my own 180 and it was all too much for him. The reality of being with another woman and her kids hit him like a ton of bricks.
If you have read my story though, will you will have seen that i always knew that my H wasnt comfortable with what he was doing. He spent way to much time with us for someone who said he didnt love me. He was completely torn and told me he had felt backed into a corner that he didnt know how to get out of.

Anyway enough about me. I dont want to come on here giving anyone false hope, but i think despite our emotions, we are all able to tell when there is at least some chance that things will work out. If that hope is still there, then i think it is fine to hold on to it somewhat but the key is too keep om living and not to put our lives on hold for something that may not happen. The thought of living my life without my H nearly destroyed me, but, as time went on i became stronger, started living again and started letting go, sounds to me like you are doing the right things, Just take it day by day and be kind to yourself.

I must say, it is worrying that he hasn't had contact with the children. This is something my H never did. Does he give you a reason why he doesnt see the children? Do you have any contact with him? From what you have said, it sounds like he is deep in his A fog. Has there been any exposure of the A?

Hope you are having an ok day. know how hard it is, but remember you really dont need to rely on him to make you feel worthy and happy.
Hugs
DG
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss him so much - but I have to let him go

Quote:
Originally Posted by daisygirl 41 View Post
End

My H and i were physically separated for just over 3 months, but he had been emotionally checked out for at least 9 months before that when his EA/PA started.

Its difficult to explain, and i know all our situations are different, but at the beginning of his EA he was completely blindsided and emotionally cut off from me. We did try to R last summer but i knew his heart just wasnt in it. It actually took him moving out in December for and spending the time away from me and the children for him to start to "open his eyes". He was in a very bad place, and i am adamant to this day that he was also going through a mlc.
Within 3 weeks of his EA becoming PA and it being exposed to his workplace (she was a co worker) he finished it. I had also started letting go and implementing my own 180 and it was all too much for him. The reality of being with another woman and her kids hit him like a ton of bricks.
If you have read my story though, will you will have seen that i always knew that my H wasnt comfortable with what he was doing. He spent way to much time with us for someone who said he didnt love me. He was completely torn and told me he had felt backed into a corner that he didnt know how to get out of.

Anyway enough about me. I dont want to come on here giving anyone false hope, but i think despite our emotions, we are all able to tell when there is at least some chance that things will work out. If that hope is still there, then i think it is fine to hold on to it somewhat but the key is too keep om living and not to put our lives on hold for something that may not happen. The thought of living my life without my H nearly destroyed me, but, as time went on i became stronger, started living again and started letting go, sounds to me like you are doing the right things, Just take it day by day and be kind to yourself.

I must say, it is worrying that he hasn't had contact with the children. This is something my H never did. Does he give you a reason why he doesnt see the children? Do you have any contact with him? From what you have said, it sounds like he is deep in his A fog. Has there been any exposure of the A?

Hope you are having an ok day. know how hard it is, but remember you really dont need to rely on him to make you feel worthy and happy.
Hugs
DG
x
Thanks for responding DG, I'm doing Ok today. Still feel the same as yesterday..sad but I know I have to let go and go on with my life..for my own sanity and for my girls. I am more motivated now. I am finally seeing a light in front of me. A year has past and Ive been in the dark. It has been a horrible 1 year..I cant even begin to understand how I survived as many has asked me.

Yes, how can a father stay away from his children for sooo long?
This also scared me alot, DG. This saids alot about a person..This is not the man I married and when I think about it I think this is one of the things that made me make a decision to let go. Is this the kind of man I want to stay married to, is this the man worth fighting for? No...
This man is running away. He cant face his children and his family beacause of guilt. So instead of facing the reality he is running away. He is so busy blaming me and pointing out about my mistakes in our marriage so he wont feel guilty. He has always initiated contact with me but everytime I saw him or talked to him I felt even more terrible and hurt. But we have'nt seen eachother for a long time now.
I told his family about his OW, but he denies it. He saids that they're only friends. If they were just friends than why hide about this so called friendship for many months? I found out from my 4 year old daughter about this OW. He secretly been taking my daughter to her place and did'nt tell me or his famliy. Then when he finally told me about this OW he saids he has plans to marry her in the future and that they have a very special relationship. When I told this to his famlily he denied saying all those things. This OW is also still married (obviously having marital problems too )and has a child. I dont know if his EA has turned to PA..but I dont think about that anymore..He cant have her and still stay married to me..
I have to focus on me and children now. So if he wants to be with her..then fine..

There was a time that I still had hope for our marriage..I dont anymore, DG
Like I wrote earlier..I may feel angry at him sometime, but deep down inside I feel sorry for him

Hope your are doing ok DG. Thanks again
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