What a nightmare
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 05-15-2012, 05:27 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What a nightmare

Well, after almost 10 years of marriage and 3 beautiful little girls, I find that my wife wants to sacrifice the time we had together for the all too easy way out through divorce. When I found out, I was hurt. I was angry and above all, felt like a little kid What a terrible experience to go through. We had been having problems for the last 2 years and we just weren't armed strength required to endure difficult times in a marriage.

During our tenure in marriage we weren't verbally or physically abusive, terribly mean to each other, never had an affair. The only thing missing over the last few years was the emotional support and the connection required between me and my STBX. Reason - three kids and a wife trying to start a business. Throw in me being unemployed and struggling to find a stable job, it has been more than a challenge. I have been taking care of the kids while my wife continues on with her new venture...and I agreed to support this person through her new business venture only to be hit by a stick in the shins

So, I have been dealing with some heavy emotions and racing thoughts filled with so many questions - What do I do? Where do I go? How is this handled? How is this going to affect my kids? What about me? Oh man! My wife has backup from her wealthy parents, but I have nothing to back me up at this time when it comes to finances. I still search for jobs every day!

Then the father in law chimes in one afternoon indicating how he wrote me off about 2 years ago. Boy, what a thing to mention to a son-in-law of almost 10 years of whom provided him with 3 beautiful little grand daughters not to mention their daughter with 3 beautiful little kids. Ouch! In addition...the man called me an idiot! Oh well.

So, it has been about 2 weeks and my STBX is in the silenced mode. It is almost like trying to pry railroad spikes from a railroad with your teeth! I wasn't able to get her to open up. The only thing she mentions is that I have a boundary to providing emotional support and this is the main reason that she has filed for divorce. I indicated that I understand and your reason for divorce, but I had emotions so strong it was hard for me to just give up. I tried to talk to her about this situation and work through what is going on in her head. Nothing has worked. Doesn't call, text or anything...nothing. No interest at all.

Heck, we hit rock bottom in a relationship and there is only one way to go but up!!! I mentioned this to my STBX, but as most women will agree, my futile attempts have been just another waste of manly time. I am just better off letting her ruin our children's lives as well as her own and mine in the process.

In this case, do I want to change to accommodate the needs of my wife? Surely I do. I am willing to change the minor things that are required in order to win her back and create that happiness that she requires. I am not the thoughtless bastage that she thinks. On the flip side, she will have to be willing to make some modest changes on her behalf as well. All for the sake of a relationship that can be turned around and for our children. Working as a team instead of individuals that we have not been doing actively for the last 2 years is really what is required.

From the emotional side, I was so hurt to hear my daughter of 8 crying and begging her mother to not divorce her Daddy. I was so upset that I informed my wife that I was just so disgusted in this situation as well as her. Afterward, my daughter asked if I will be going on trips with Family in the future or hanging out at the in laws for the Holidays. It just broke her little heart when I told her the truth. The damage will be done and there is nothing I can do to prevent the wife from trampling over the dreams of her Family just to serve her selfish emotional needs at this time. On another note, if the STBX is not happy and her life is in complete misery, by all means it is important to cut ties. I completely understand.

This is truly the nightmare of divorce on earth. I will eventually move on. At this time, I believe that she doesn't see the trees through the forest especially when it comes to the future emotional success of our three daughters. What a shame that almost 10 years of marriage has come to this and that there is so much selfishness. It will take quite some time to adjust. I will never forgive this woman after all is said and done. I have lost respect.

Best of luck to anyone out there dealing with a divorce. Do all that you can to save your marriage even in times that are so challenging(outside of the real bad stuff - abuse, addition, etc.). It is so important to the kids...so important and especially important to your wife or husband. Nothing good comes from this experience especially with children involved.

Last edited by 3kids; 05-16-2012 at 01:48 PM. Reason: Just
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Thanks Unhappy. I got to the wife last night. Pent up emotions and anger came out. She actually responded. You hit the nail on the head. Shallow as a desert.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a nightmare

I'm willing to wager she feels abandoned due to your lack of providing adequate financial security.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a nightmare

I have to disagree, respectfully, with Conrad -- I think she feels abandoned due to your lack of providing sincere emotional connection. You yourself describe that as a "minor" problem.

Anyway, it seems that she has made her choice, probably long ago. I am sorry for what you are going thru -- you have three beautiful children who love you. That's not going to change, I'd concentrate on that.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a nightmare

Lamaga,

I agree Lamaga. The lack of sincere emotional support/connection had been the issue for a few years. It started happening when I was going through depression. Depression was extremely challenging to deal with over the last 1.5 years. This was the blocker that I was dealing with. Now healthier than I have been in a few years, I am willing to re-connect, but I understand that I cannot change anything now and must move on to higher ground.
Thanks much for your reply.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lamaga View Post
I have to disagree, respectfully, with Conrad -- I think she feels abandoned due to your lack of providing sincere emotional connection. You yourself describe that as a "minor" problem.

Anyway, it seems that she has made her choice, probably long ago. I am sorry for what you are going thru -- you have three beautiful children who love you. That's not going to change, I'd concentrate on that.
In the Marriage Builders program, the 5 things women get while dating, but often fail to get in an LTR are as follows:

1) Affection
2) Conversation
3) Financial Security
4) Family Commitment
5) Honesty and Openness

There needs to be "enough" across each of these areas to keep a woman secure in a relationship.

From the OP's own testimony, his wife is lacking several of these from him.
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Old 05-16-2012, 02:00 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a nightmare

3kids, depression is a killer, isn't it? I'm so glad that you are feeling better -- now you have some other challenges to deal with, but we are here for you. Good luck!
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Old 05-16-2012, 02:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hey Conrad,

In defending myself, my wife is not much of a conversationalist especially with her husband. Went out to dinner with her a few times and it was almost like watching paint dry.

Financial...absolutely. Job loss in 09 made it difficult. Wife not getting a job in her field of work as a former teacher and of whom has a Masters Degree did not help much in the area of finances.

Emotional - yes. Especially related to mental health - depression and healing. I needed a lot of time to myself and with support groups.

Family commitment - was always committed to my Family. Felt like a fifth wheel at times with the in-laws. Not much you can do there.

Honesty and being open - not much of an issue here. We were pretty open and honest.
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Old 05-16-2012, 02:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a nightmare

Conrad, the Marriage Builder program may well be helpful for some, but it is based on all kinds of social and religious biases. So let's just keep that in mind, ok?
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Old 05-16-2012, 02:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks Lamaga! Things happen for a reason. Depression may have not been the killer, but a way out of marriage
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Old 05-16-2012, 02:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Conrad, the Marriage Builder program may well be helpful for some, but it is based on all kinds of social and religious biases. So let's just keep that in mind, ok?
Women want attention/affection has a religious bias to it?
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a nightmare

3,

Keep working on yourself. This should be first and foremost

Also look up the 180 to help you prepare your life for the next phase
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
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What is the 180?
Thanks
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:40 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: What a nightmare

3,

For your use

The Healing Heart: The 180
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