Today I finally broke my silence to one of my closest girlfriends that my husband has moved out. I had only told my parents before now. I guess I didn't know what to say or how to say it to my friends so I just hadn't said anything before. She reminded me that sometimes one door must close in order for us to get something better behind another door. I felt somewhat strong when I talked with her. I told her that I still loved him very much but I didn't think I could go back because of the hurt. I told her that when he was here I overlooked or bypassed some of the bad things he did or said to me. Now that he is not here I think about those times and try to figure out why I let him get away with his yelling at me and his hurtful words. This was this aftenoon. Now it is hours later and I wonder if he would come back and say that he made a mistake and wanted us to try and make it work would I let him. Sometimes I feel like this is the right thing to do...to move on without him. Other times I feel like I want the marriage to work and I want him back. It is like tug of war with myself. The really messed up part is that he has not given me any indication that he wants to try again so why am I even doing this to myself.
You're doing it because you love the man. You can't just turn that off, even when all the signs are pointing you the down the path that says that's the best thing for you. Sometimes we love things that are not necessarily good for us. As hard as it may seem, let go of the "what-ifs." That is a losing game. Focus on the here and now, what you can change and what you cannot. He will give you an indication of his intentions soon enough. Until that time, all you can do is focus on yourself. Trudge on as if you can assume he is not coming back. That way, if he doesn't, you'll have already begun making a new life for yourself. If he does, then you'll be more in tune with yourself when a lot of soul-searching will be required to make the right decision.
I would agree with what SVL said, and add that you are certainly not alone with these types of feelings. Now that I am a litle over a month with an IC, a whole lot of things are really starting to make sense to me about my relationship with my wife, and I beginning to understand the damage that I have caused in this relationship, but the hardest thing for me right now is accepting the fact that I am not the only one to blame. Sure, she has had her share of problems, but trying to accept the fact that they were not all in response to something I did...that is the hard part for me, and this gets back to your tug-of-war description, which is wonderfully accurate by the way, because some days, I have felt like I would run back there in a heartbeat if she asked, then other days, or hours for that matter, I wouldn't, not without a lot of changes.
I also flip flop, usually many times each day. In some ways I am having a harder time now after six weeks than during that first week, I guess because the reality is sinking in...he hasn't called and simply is not going to. Today was our anniversary. Hard to be mad at him today, but hoping tomorrow it will be easier. Posted via Mobile Device
I am almost 12 months into my separation and I STILL flip flop. I mostly flip because I do wish he'd come back, but there are times when I competely flop and think there is way too much time that has gone by, too much water under the bridge and there's no possible way it could work if he did come back. Both scenarios are scary to me, living with him or living without him. I still cry alot if days and just when I think I'm getting past this I get slapped with emotions and feel like I'm starting all over again. Divorce is definitely a tug of war, see saw, back and forth process, isn't it?
What everyone else said --- you're human, you have emotions, and that's ok.
I want to zero in on something else, though -- you just now told your closest friend?
Your best ally in this horrible process is friends. Please don't keep hanging on to whatever shame you think you should feel. Tell your friends. Tell them you need them, and let them support you. That is what friends are for.
Iamaga is so right. I live 500 miles from anyone on my side of the family, 3000 miles from my dearest and closest friend who, herself, is going through a divorce. She has been my rock through this whole thing. Bitter sweet, your friend is right, we have to go through the bad to get to the good. Lean on her, let her be your rock. I ALWAYS feel better when I get off the phone with my mom or gf. They always seem to say the right things.
I am so scared to tell other people for some reason. A part of it is shame. I wanted my marriage to work. Another part is I don't know what/how to say it. I know they will ask questions and it is so hard to try and pinpoint reasons without going through a big spill. He told me he wanted to separate on April 18th and still hadn't told his mom the day before Mother's Day. I wanted to wish her a Happy Mother's Day and knew she would ask what "we" were going to do today because she didn't know. I didn't want to be the one to tell her about his decision especially on that day. So he was kinda forced to tell her. He came by Monday to get some of the stuff he left and he said that he hadn't told any of his friends yet. I don't get it. If I was such a bad wife that you didn't want to be with me any more I would think that you would be telling others as soon as possible so they wouldn't be asking about "us".
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Tug of War...with myself 
