because he left the marriage? I get the feeling that he's resenting me for his decision to leave the marriage. We've gotten along pretty well during the last year of separation, but just this past week I get the feeling that he's pulling away; not coming over to see his kids as often, not talking to me as often, etc. I asked him today what was up and he was very short with me. What's up with that. I want to just say, "Are you mad at me because of a decision you chose to make? He chose to leave, he chose to go live with a relative and I think he's now mad at me because his life isn't what he thought it would be post separation. I wish he'd just get over this whole phase he's going through so that he can be his normal self again...whatever that is. He seems so touchy since he left. His whole personallity has changed. He's more angry where he used to be very easy going. I just don't know how to read him anymore.
He doesn't resent you. He resents his life. People who "leave" subconciously know that their life will not turn out to be much better after leaving, but hope drives them forward. When they finally realize what they knew all along that this is the actual thing and this world doesn't offer much of their fantasies in the form of reality, then they begin to resent everything and anything (including their children).
I'm not sure about your husband, but some people never really get over the passage of time. They want to live the life of a 20 year old forever and since that's not possible, they become bitter. I myself have such tendencies at times myself. It's like an ongoing life-long midlife crisis that starts very early in life (mid 20s) and never goes away.
I'm not sure about your husband, but some people never really get over the passage of time. They want to live the life of a 20 year old forever and since that's not possible, they become bitter. I myself have such tendencies at times myself. It's like an ongoing life-long midlife crisis that starts very early in life (mid 20s) and never goes away.
Ha... some friends suggested that what my ex is going through.
Right now with the separation, at 45, I feel like I'm in a mid-life stasis, so I suppose that's my crisis. Figuring out a way to move on without her in my heart. I wish there was an app for that.
justabovewater, as synthetic mentioned, do you think it could be a mid-life crisis?
JAW, man if we could answer those questions .. wouldn't life be so much easier? I wish we knew what the other side of the 'story' was.
I get the resentment vibe you feel, I get that at times from the stbxw as well. But the thing is .. I think there has always been some resentment towards me anyways for the things we have gone through together.
Along with resentment, is the sense of entitlement .. which in my personal opinion was her driving force from the get go. Always wanted this and that .. but we never seemed to work towards it. Got to a certain point and we would both just kinda give up.
She now goes out all the time and is mad because she is tight on money (living out of town, driving in and out of the city costs gas..). It's like she didn't realize how much things actually cost and now she is coming after me because of it.
Ha... some friends suggested that what my ex is going through.
Right now with the separation, at 45, I feel like I'm in a mid-life stasis, so I suppose that's my crisis. Figuring out a way to move on without her in my heart. I wish there was an app for that.
justabovewater, as synthetic mentioned, do you think it could be a mid-life crisis?
Can, I think that's exactly what's going on. He turned the big 50 this year and for the past couple of years he's been moaning about it, about how so much of his life is gone and he doesn't have many years left. He's started working out, shaving parts of his body that he never cared about before. Going out with friends all the time. I'm convinced that what's he's going through with a little depression thrown in. He denies it all. Denies the EA, denies everything really. It's heartbreaking to watch this man that I put on a pedestal all these years just turn into someone that I really don't recongnize anymore. A lot of family and some friends say the same, that they've noticed a change in him, but of course, no one says anything to him and when I bring it to his attention he looks at it as just a ***** session. There's no getting through to him.
JAW, man if we could answer those questions .. wouldn't life be so much easier? I wish we knew what the other side of the 'story' was.
I get the resentment vibe you feel, I get that at times from the stbxw as well. But the thing is .. I think there has always been some resentment towards me anyways for the things we have gone through together.
Along with resentment, is the sense of entitlement .. which in my personal opinion was her driving force from the get go. Always wanted this and that .. but we never seemed to work towards it. Got to a certain point and we would both just kinda give up.
She now goes out all the time and is mad because she is tight on money (living out of town, driving in and out of the city costs gas..). It's like she didn't realize how much things actually cost and now she is coming after me because of it.
Upndown, yes, the sense of entitlement is another thing. Because he's made the decision to end the marriage he feels he's entitled to a life where he can save his money, go on vacations, buy cars and have this great life with no responsiblity financially to me or his kids. He keeps going on about how he can't afford to pay what he's paying for much longer, but has yet to come up with a plan for our divorce. he feel that all medical bills incurred by me while we were married are my responsibility. I. DON'T. THINK. SO.
We've gotten along pretty well during the last year of separation, but just this past week I get the feeling that he's pulling away; not coming over to see his kids as often, not talking to me as often, etc.
You've been separated for a year. Of course he's pulling away. Separation means separating. If he's moving on with his life, that's going to put distance between you.
You say he's not coming over to see his kids as often, how often does he see them? how far away does he live?
Also, if he is spending what are marital assets on frivolous things, YOU need to take charge and come up with a divorce plan. If you haven't consulted with a lawyer, I'd suggest that you do.
He lives 5 houses down. The only time he sees the kids is if he stops by which he does a few times a week. I've noticed over the last week that he hadn't come over. They don't go to see him. As for the assets, we split our money up months ago and no he doesn't spend frivolously. He's a stinkin bean counter!!!! I'm meeting for an informational session this week, can't afford a lawyer. Posted via Mobile Device
he feels he's entitled to a life where he can save his money, go on vacations, buy cars and have this great life with no responsiblity financially to me or his kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by justabovewater
no he doesn't spend frivolously. He's a stinkin bean counter!!!!Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry, I don't know how to reconcile the two statements above.
Sorry, Papa, they do sound contradictory, don't they, and a tad exaggerated so let me start again.
He's socking away as much money as he can (not a bad trait to have, as I tend to live for today) but then complains that he's not going to be able to give support like he has been over the past 12 months. He purchased a used car as our oldest (19) needed his old car for college. The thing that bothers me is how he wants to walk away from the marriage with no financial ties/responsibilities. he wants to give me the house (which it's not that easy and not his to give me as the bank still owns it), but also wants me to take over all the bills since he's walking away from any profit that is to be made on the house when it comes time to sell. Thing is, I can't afford all the bills and the mortgage, yet he doesn't want me to sell until at least youngest (15) has graduated from high school. Yet anytime I try to even broach the subject of finances he gets all twitterpated and starts throwing out these resentful statements and crying poor.
Aye, yi, yi, I don't know what to do, say, think, feel anymore.
If you were separated you weren't getting along great. If I leave a woman, she's basically dead to me. I don't return to the cemetary and dig her back up. She just doesn't exist. Naturally, if I had kids with her, I would communicate with her to the extent that it was necessary for the benefit of the kids. Once they are old enough to talk to directly, she gets buried. I don't hate my exes. They just no longer exist in my life.
Interesting point you make, but I find it hard that he's trying to bury me. Considering he was back at the house the day after he left working on stuff that needed to be fixed and really hasn't stopped since. He comes over to take us to dinner, sits and watches sports, helps with various stuff. Buys me stuff, buys the kids stuff. It's just all so confusing. Then to all of a sudden stop communication...oh wait, I spoke too soon, here's a text from him now!
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Does he resent me.... 
