seven77heaven

I guess the saying "God did for me what I couldn't do for myself" plays a big part in my divorce. I couldn't live with him and I couldn't live without him...or so I thought. A man who drinks a 12 pack a night while sucking on a doobie would be someone who "checks out", right? Story of my 5 1/2 year marriage.
I haven't felt pain like this before in my life. I was emotionally, verbally and mentally abused. I lived 2 different lives. The EMS teacher/EMT/Fire Fighter and the abused wife. Sexy, huh? I don't think so. I lost all my confidence. If it wasn't for my patients/students, I think I would have lost my mind...oh, wait, I did last year. That's when I knew I had to leave. I literally had a nervous breakdown last year. Me. If you met me you wouldn't have thought I would have even attracted the man I married. Yet, I did.
Maybe I don't really feel like writing...maybe I'm in the solution and that's why this isn't a rant paper. All I know is that I believe it's going to be ok and that's what keeps me going. He broke my heart when he told me a few weeks ago "don't you see I don't give 2 sh$ts about you?"...I finally heard him. I haven't spoken to him since. I am doing it for my sanity. Filed for divorce 3 months ago. He told me he doesn't love me anymore. I had hope so I hung in there...but the Stella Artois won him. "She" is his best friend and lover. "Her" long neck and sleek bottle shaped bottom is more appealing then I will ever be to my soon to be ex husband.
He was a wonderful man. He probably still is. I look forward to when I can honestlyl say I'm over the pain. For now? I started praying for him 2 days ago. Read that if you pray for the one you resent you will be free. Takes 2 weeks. And it's free!
As of now, I'm sick and tired of feeling self pity and resentment. It's like injecting poison and expecting the other person to die. I was dying...I want to live.
I miss that woman that hid away 5 years ago. I need her back.
For what it's worth, I googled something and this is where google directed me here. Thank you for letting me participate.
Peace...Victoria

Nsweet

The bigger picture I have to point out to every betrayed spouse of an addict is that no matter how much you b!tch, cry, and complain..... your spouse will feel confident they can still get away with using without any fear of loss. Now that you kicked him out and filed you can expect some form of retaliation stemming from hurt feelings but know that it's all just an attempt to manipulate you.

"If you love him then you need to stop enabling him to use you."

Know that as hard as this is you filed because you love him and can't stand to see him hurting himself and the people he loves with his addiction. Now sit back and watch him accept the things he's losing and either change or kill himself slowly. I've seen three people now kick their spouses to the curb for addiction only to see them go to rehab soon after. But all of this will not happen until he experiences true loss and wakes up in a puddle of vomit regretting his decisions.