Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
Hi All -
I can really relate to those who post on here about the "limbo" of separation, and having no idea what the outcome will be, nor having any control over it. I am six weeks into what we agreed (well, what my husband told me) would be at least a three month separation, for him to take space to sort himself out and see if he can come to terms with whether he wants to stay married.
There is no one else as far as I know, but last time we got together (this past Saturday) I noticed he was no longer wearing his wedding ring, which gutted me :-( I remarked on it, and he said not to read too much into it -- that it was like me taking down the wedding pictures. He noticed I had taken them down last time he came by to pick up mail, and I said that it does not mean I have given up on the marriage -- to the contrary -- but that it was painful enough for me to be living alone in the place that represents the life we built together, and it felt too sad to see the wedding pictures every day (we've been married 5 years and together for 7). But I still can't help thinking that his not wearing his ring anymore does not bode well :-(
Also, when I go on Facebook, I automatically check to see if he has changed hhis status from married to separated -- but he has not changed it so far (that would be the next dagger, I suppose).
I am doing the 180 and it has only 1/2 way through the three month window, so I know that I have to be patient. I'm doing everything I can to make each day the best it can be, and not focus on him and the painful rift in our marriage. Just wanted to vent here, I guess. A day at a time right?
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
Hi, A12. So sorry to see that you've had to join us here for this reason. Go ahead and vent away -- there are many here who will understand.
You're doing the right thing by focusing on yourself. Do you two have kids? Are you able to get out of the house -- job, doing things with friends, family nearby, etc.? That is going to be soooo helpful at this time. If you're like I was, you didn't have really any friends outside of work, and no family nearby. (We do have 1 child) If you're like this, it's vital that you start doing things to get you out of the house.
It may be really, really hard to start doing things on your own if you've been used to doing them with your H, but I can't emphasize enough how important it is. If money is an issue, consider volunteering for a local organization you admire (Human Society, or Food Bank, or Meals on Wheels, for example). It will help you to not focus on what's going on. That can eat you alive.
Not wearing his wedding ring in public is not the same as you taking down your wedding photos at home. I'm really sorry to tell you, but it doesn't seem that he's trying to find a way back to the marriage. He's testing the waters.
It's good that you're doing the 180 to him, but you have to try to do it inside yourself, if that makes sense. It's really, really hard when you still love him, I know. But he's not treating you the way you deserve. He's only thinking of himself right now. As many here will tell you, the purpose of the 180 is to get you used to the idea of things not working out, not to try to get him to miss you and come back.
Please stop checking his Facebook. Mine side-stepped this by simply taking down his relationship status, period. So he didn't have to tell anyone (like his family) that we were separated, but he also didn't have to limit his possibilities by saying he was married. We just didn't have a relationship anymore. Which was pretty accurate. You might even consider blocking him on FB, so you don't see any of his updates. The key is to do things, ANYTHING, to help yourself grow and keep you distracted from thinking about him and your situation. It really does help.
He may or may not come back. But you will be better off either way. Good luck! ((hugs))
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
Awakening,
I know how it all feels. My story is here. Start from my first thread and see how "limbo" has been the story of my life.
As a veteran limbo-liver, my suggestion to you is: Don't get comfortable in it. It's toxic and a complete waste of life. I feel so spent after all these years that I simply don't care anymore. Don't get to where I am. Don't let your husband destroy your sense of 'self'. That's what I allowed my wife to do. My inner-child is so badly damaged by now that it thinks it's 'okay' to be in limbo. In fact, it's kind'a addicted to it. My wife has figured this out and uses it to her advantage.
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
Have read Divorce Remedy?
I personally changed my status to separated after I got tired of his bad behavior. Then a couple of weeks later I just took it down. My stbxh has his as separated.
Several of the books that I bought all shared the idea of 'accept that it's over' and work on fixing what you can in your life and let go. It really does help and then if things end up working out you will be happily surprised but meanwhile you can stop hurting so much by trying to move forward.
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
A-12, I feel your pain. Do the 180 for yourself and you will feel stronger. You are a good person who deserves better than you've been getting. I'm going out with a group of friends this weekend and I'm really happy. He's a jerk.
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
Well 3 or so weeks into our separation my stbxw reactivated her Facebook after 6 months just to switch it from married to single. You see, the very night before I removed her along with all her friends and family simply because I didn't want to cause a Facebook scene. She on the other hand is a self centered piece of work and didn't consider anyone but herself. After she changed the status my phone went off the hook with friends and family asking me what was going on.. seeing how it wasn't public.
I called her, angry. Its just Facebook she kept saying. Told me she would take it down but never did, then her account vanished the next day. Either blocked or went inactive again. I still have my Facebook, but really, having anything connected to her on there isn't good. I haven't deleted our pictures yet but made all the albums private. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
Funny side note, the first thing she mentioned when I called her about it was the fact that I had already removed her. She broke it off with me but it seems that every effort I make to distance myself from her she just gets even more mad. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
A12- I went back and read your story, so now I think I understand a little better. It doesn't really change anything I said before, but I do see that he isn't interested in joint counseling. This is really sad. If he is also dealing with depression, chances are it would be helpful for him as well. Lots of times, it seems that people with serious mental illnesses do not realize the effect it has on those they live with. Not to bash them -- I am one of 'them' & have been treated for atypical depression off & on for years -- but it's not really a focus of health providers, either. It is really good that you're going and working so hard. You will not regret it, no matter how things turn out.
There's not really much you can do about him. Forcing or begging him (not that I'm saying you're doing this) to try counseling will backfire. He needs to want it for himself as well as for the marriage. He may be going through a depressive episode right now, and needs to hit his own bottom.
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
A12: I never did the FB thing but my STBXW did for years. And even right after the separation, which is about one year old now, I'm told (by mutual friends) that she had listed her marital status as "divorced" at that time, and continues to do so up to this day.
I cannot help but believe that her actions were so "premeditated" that I truly think that you could find her example so aptly listed as such under that word's heading in the dictionary!
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
Hi angelpixie and arbitrator - Thanks for your kind feedback. I do have much to keep me busy and much to be grateful for, including meaningful work that pays well, my CrossFit gym (which is better than therapy!), and friends and family who love me and don't judge me.
angelpixie you wrote: "Not wearing his wedding ring in public is not the same as you taking down your wedding photos at home. I'm really sorry to tell you, but it doesn't seem that he's trying to find a way back to the marriage. He's testing the waters."
This may be true, and I am prepared to accept that this separation could be the beginning of the end instead of the new beginning I still want to have hope for. He claims he "does not have energy or interest" to date others, and is just working on himself and his issues in individual therapy (he has so far refused couples counselling). So he has gone in his cave, until he makes a decision, and I am doing my best not to dwell on him and to use this time to rediscover myself as an individual (not as half of a couple).
When he phones me, he still calls me "Hon" and "baby" (giving me false hope? ). Who knows. Ultimately, it takes two people to believe it is worth the effort to fix a broken marriage --whether he thinks it is worth fixing is up to him. I just look forward to having a decision, because if he is not coming back, I cannot wait to move out of our house that makes me so sad to come home to without him there -- just the ghost of him and the memories of happier times.
Will check in later -- thanks again for your feedback and support!Have a great day!
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
Toffer - Thanks for the feedbakc. He has refused couples counselling so far, but goes to his own therapist. I go to a couples therapist on my own, who also sees individuals and she has been VERY helpful to me. She agrees with your advice not to push him in any way, but says also not to decide in advance that it is hopeless -- to give it time and patience.
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
Hi All - Thanks again for everyone's kind feedback, much appreciated. I ought to have mentioned, we do not have children (married in our mid 40s -- which makes the marriage the more precious to me, having waited a long time to get married to the guy I thought was the man of my dreams). I suppose not having children makes it less complicated for us, should the split become permanent, although no less painful or heart-breaking for me. I want to move on for my own mental health, but until the 3 months is up and we have a decision, I cannot afford to just move out and start paying for a rental apartment on my own, as my husband is already doing (he signed a short-term lease, or so he told me). He is chipping in on the cost of our mortage for at least these 3 months, then we'll see where we are. That's the deal, and so far he has kept his word and sent me checks for May and June (also painful, since I used to cut him a check each month for an agreed amount towards our expenses, then he took care of the bills).
I can keep myself busy, be social and use other coping skills, but the limbo of the living situation will be this way for at least 6 more weeks or until he makes a decision which way this is going.
Today, he rang me while I was at work and getting ready to head to a meeting, asking me about my plans for the Memorial Day weekend (he knows I am going out of town to visit my parents) and called me "baby" a couple of times, and was all chatty -- I guess in a good mood today, I wish I could learn not to care. May I please borrow someone's copy of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Not Giving a Damn"?
Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"
I changed my status to single and blocked both her and the OM months ago. Has done wonders for my mental health.
In an ironic twist of fate, I met my current lady friend on Facebook. Was an old high school almost flame. We reconnected, became friends, found we had a lot in common, and well...hopefully next week will be a GOOD week.
Block your stbx. Not only will the temptation to spy on them fade, it also prevents them from being able to spy on you. That mystery works both ways...that is, even if you want your spouse back. I don't, so I personally don't care. I just value my privacy and don't feel she has any right to know what's going on in my life. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeding just a little bit of info to mutual friends...just enough to let her know I'm moving on, but also just too little so it keeps her guessing. And I NEVER inquire about her.
I just hope she pulls her head out so we can get the divorce over and done with. But I don't think she will. Posted via Mobile Device
8Likes
Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married" 
