TheLoneRanger

Hi,

Please don't read my previous post a few weeks ago about the abuse and mistreatment I receive from my soon-to-be-ex-wife.

This post isn't about a rant, its about help to avoid separation depression.

The bottom line is, it's over and we each want out. I want out because I can no longer tolerate being treated like a door mat and be controlled 100% of the time by a temper freak.

And she wants out because I stand up for myself and say "no more!" (2 options a. she walks all over me or b. we get divorced)

Enough. I'm not here to rant, I'm here for help before I fall in the spiral of doom, again.

Six years ago, we separated and did so for a year. She basically walked out on me and shattered my heart and it blind sided me. I was young, dumb and naive, and out of the blue sky she just said one day "I want a divorce". When we did, it was the absolute worst time of my life. I was depressed about 99% of the time, had no interest in anything. I literally worked during the day and remained very unhealthy moped all night. Did so for a year..

Fast forward, I took her back (young, dumb naive, remember?), we worked things out and things went great for a couple of years... Until the old selfish, narcissistic her came back. I been dealing with it too long, and its over.

The problem is, I am trying to preemptively avoid falling in the spiral of depression doom again. I have absolutely no friends. I have no friends mainly for two reasons: 1) She never really allowed me to foster any relationships, and 2) I never had the time since I work all day and do night-school finishing my degree.

She even makes fun of how big of a "loser" I am for not having any friends or whatever.

It isn't that I am unfriendly. At work people love me. I get a long with everybody and I am known for my energy level that I brighten up a room. (was told this is actually why they hired me)

But the sad truth is, when I leave in a couple of days, I am going to be alone in an apartment and I will be sad, and cold and fall into dark depression where I have no interests and basically just exist as a creature with no purpose. She too knows this and has basically mocked me in preparation for this.

Please help me. I will take any advice. We have one three yr old beautiful princess of a daughter, which I will see to that I get 50/50 at the least. I figure the days I have her, I will not be depressed, but the bottom line is I just want to be a happy person everyday (my mom doesn't believe in constant happiness, she always says its "momentary"). I still have hope however....

Oh, and for the record, for those wondering: yes, I have a hard time being happy alone.... not always, but a lot of time I do. I have a personality where I need to be busy all the time.... or have people around me.

1000000% ready willing and able to accept any advice/help.

deejov

Sorry you are going through this, sort of.

You can try to look at this as an opportunity.
You've been unhappy, and now are being given the opportunity to be happy!

Make lists. Things you want to do in life. Books you want to read.
Things you can do with your daughter. And do them!

Are you still going to school? If not, make plans with co-workers after work or on the weekends. Look up single parents groups in your area.

Go to the gym, take up hiking or walking, tennis, golf, anything that keeps you moving. It does wonders for your feelings.

Let people know you are separated. You'd be surprised how many male acquantances will invite you out.

Playing music when you are alone also helps. So does meditation \ visualizations. If you feel yourself getting down with your own thoughts, picture yourself walking away from the dark cloud, or climbing up and away from it, into the sunshine.

Make it a habit to start your day thinking about what you are grateful for. Make a list of what is "good" about where you are now, and read it every day.

And talk to your friends here

Bottled Up

The absolute first thing you need to do is read the book "awareness" by Anthony de mello. You need to change your thinking that you need people around you in order to be happy and that is absolutely not true. This book will open your eyes completely that you will actually awaken from your sleep and will find happiness in aloneness. I am dead serious, read this book now... You are in a perfect position to receive it's message and it will turn your world around. It can will even solve your depression issues if you really live by it.

You don't need anyone in your life to be happy, but you can enjoy people's company immensely. But you don't need them... And that's one of the things this book will teach you. Good luck.
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sadwithouthim

[QUOTE=Bottled Up;773151]The absolute first thing you need to do is read the book "awareness" by Anthony de mello. You need to change your thinking that you need people around you in order to be happy and that is absolutely not true. This book will open your eyes completely that you will actually awaken from your sleep and will find happiness in aloneness. I am dead serious, read this book now... You are in a perfect position to receive it's message and it will turn your world around. It can will even solve your depression issues if you really live by it.

You don't need anyone in your life to be happy, but you can enjoy people's company immensely. But you don't need them... And that's one of the things this book will teach you. Good luck.
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First off, I really sorry Lone Ranger....we share a lot of similarities so i feel greatly for your pain. Depression is an awful illness to deal with. I'm praying for you.

Bottledup...did that book really help you? I was looking it up and found it interesting. It got a lot of good reviews. I've just got suckered into buying so many self help books and half of them turned out to be either too boring or useless.
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Bottled Up

Sadwithouthim, I just finished reading "awareness" and in my opinion it can really help. It paints the picture for you to see that depression can be avoided if you stop associating yourself with that emotion. It teaches you to realize that nobody else in this world is responsible for how you feel, because you are creatin those feelings within yourself and therefore are associating yourself with those feelings.

The book is a really profound reading, but it is incredibly hard to argue with the logic. Because it makes so much sense. The book challenges you to "wake up to reality" because what you feel is not reality, it is an emotional reaction based on an entire lifetime of force-fed education and molding having you believe what society thinks is important. The book teaches you to look beyond society, beyond your education, beyond any force-fed conventions like organized religion, to achieve a true spiritual happiness within yourself, by yourself. Then your eyes truly start to open as you learn to stop associating with your emotions but rather simply "observe" these emotions as taking place and eventually they shall pass.

I plan on re-reading the book immediately. It's the most profound, unbiased, non-secular visionary reading I've ever experienced... A true breakthrough in learning how to attain happiness without relying or expecting others to help you achieve it.
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MyselfAgain

Can you talk a bit about how it helped you feel less alone? I am currenly reading Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford...lots of great points, but i am having trouble accepting that I am not alone because G-d is with me...not sure I believe G-d exists (working on it, folks) so this isn't making me feel any less alone yet.
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Bottled Up

Actually "awareness" takes the opposite approach, teaching you that it is essential for you to be alone to achieve happiness, because you need to learn how to relinquish your dependencies as if you were a drug addict. Because when you are dependent, you are enslaved to your own emotions. You feel alone because you are mentally associating yourself with negative feelings relating to your situation. The key here is trying to learn how not to identify with the emotions, but rather simply recognize that emotions are happening and eventually will pass, and you are just observing them as they happen. It's almost like removing yourself from you body and watching yourself in third person perspective, this way you don't identify with these feelings. You simply recognize that reality is constantly changing and your emotions don't affect reality whatsoever, they only affect you. So you cannot achieve happiness by trying to change the world around you, you achieve happiness by learning to elevate yourself above society so society cannot harm or control you anymore... Because you don't let it affect your emotions.

This book is a very spiritual guidance but without the bias of preaching within any particular religion's teachings. It stays very neutral and only helps you focus on the negativity you are creating for yourself. It dares you to awaken to reality and see the world for what it is, so you can stop letting yourself be affected by it. Your happiness is solely on your own shoulders and nobody else's, and I promise you this book will help you see that.

Do not be afraid to be alone, rather, embrace it. Take this opportunity of aloneness to go get the book and read it. It is helpin me learn to cope with my own insecurities and frustrations little by little, and I plan to re-read it to ensure I keep embracing its message.
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