What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
Would it change anything? Let's say it happened a long time ago in your marriage and didn't last very long? Of course it hurts but does it change your attitude about being nice during the divorce? I'm waiting for an email from my STBXW about a guy I let her hang out with several years ago. Without too many details I asked her to quit being friends with him because it made me feel uncomfortable. She always denied anything ever happened but in the back of my mind there was just too much free time on her hands with me working an hour away and her having the house all to herself until six every evening. I didn't know anything about the warning signs back then that I know now to look for after being on this forum. Looking back at what all happened I'm getting sick just thinking about what she might finally reveal in this email. We were arguing over text this morning and she said she had changed her mind and wanted to work on the marriage. Sensing I had the upper hand for a moment I asked her to tell me in brutal detail what really happened between them and I'd consider it. She asked if she could email me at work....and now I wait.....
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
I'm resisting that most human of tendencies to say, "I told you so" - but I never thought for a minute she wouldn't have second thoughts when she realized how serious you are/were.
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad
I'm resisting that most human of tendencies to say, "I told you so" - but I never thought for a minute she wouldn't have second thoughts when she realized how serious you are/were.
Could you expand on that a bit? Not taking offense just want to understand what your saying....
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
Quote:
Originally Posted by one_strange_otter
Could you expand on that a bit? Not taking offense just want to understand what your saying....
I don't want you to take offense.
From your testimony, it sounded like she NEVER thought you'd actually pull the trigger. It's becoming real for her now and she really likes the life you provided for her.
She's never really followed through on getting a job or anything else involved with taking care of you. Agreements between you and her meant nothing (to her)
So, I figured she was a prime candidate to push reconciliation hard at some point. You basically told me she hardly even had a pulse where you were concerned and didn't seem attracted to you. Yet, lately, I remember reading she basically invited you to bed.
I'm not sure where you are at with this now, but you really have her attention.
What are you going to do if she actually finds religion?
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
Nothing changes. We still divorce. I just read the email and she was very descriptive but holds true that nothing physical ever happened although she did have a crush on him. She admits that at the only party we ever went to at his house, that if I had left her there by herself that something would have happened and it would have been consensual. This is what she told me the day after the party which I had dragged her away from because I didn't like how she was being flirty with him. Some time after that she denied making that comment but now she is being honest about it again. I don't know if I should believe her or not or if it matters at this point. I feel some relief that she was able to tell the same story years later and nothing changed about the details of it. She says her friends were the ones to really get her to leave him alone and not so much me.
And yes, about 2 months ago she did come in that one morning and invite me to bed. I accepted. We agreed to try and have a physical relationship since it was a need we both had. But it went away as fast as it started so I chalked it up to her trying to lure me back in with pvssy. I started feeling like it was before because all of a sudden she goes from super horny to headaches and "not right now" which put me back where I was a year ago feeling hurt and rejected so I decided that was a bad idea and won't ever go there again.
Just this morning she admitted she has never once enjoyed giving a blowjob and each one she ever gave was basically only because I liked it. That would explain that look on her face she always had like someone just licked a lemon. So, every blowjob I ever got in thirteen years from my wife was out of pity. That's just another nail in the coffin to me.
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
It would change things for me, yes.
I value certain things. Why would you want to have a lying/cheating friend? It would further cement in my mind D is/was the right course of action. It tips the balance of "fault" from say 50/50 or 40/60 to 99/1.
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
Otter,
>>Just this morning she admitted she has never once enjoyed giving a blowjob and each one she ever gave was basically only because I liked it. That would explain that look on her face she always had like someone just licked a lemon. So, every blowjob I ever got in thirteen years from my wife was out of pity. That's just another nail in the coffin to me.<<
I highlight this because I've been accused of stressing this too much.
Story after story we hear of women who think giving head to their husbands is "gross" or "not necessary", but they completely change their tune when hooking up with their alpha ******* boyfriends.
Finding out my wife was blowing some other dude but wasn't interested in providing that to me... certain dealbreaker.
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
yeah, if she ever admitted doing that it would be a deal breaker for me too. It's not that she doesn't want d1ck, it's just that she doesn't want your d1ck.
There aren't many loopholes in her story. And I'll never get the whole truth unless I find the guy, befriend him, get him drunk and then start joking around about it hoping for the truth to come out. As of right now I don't even know where he lives.
One of the bigger things out of the email is that it was her friends and not me that convinced her to leave this guy alone. That means, without the friends there, she would have just lied to my face about stopping contact and proceeded to hookup at her first convenience when I left for work.
So at this point I can either accept what she says is the truth and try to rebuild the trust or move on. well, since it was three or four years ago and there's no evidence whatsoever that she has pursued any other guys then I'd have to believe she could be trusted again. But what happens next time she's bored? Is she going to tell me or just slip into another emotional or physical affair with someone?
I like to believe I'm fairly mixed on alpha/beta traits. I do a lot of heavy lifting around the house, I help out with kids, I'm a cub scout leader, I do manly mechanic work on the cars....but none of that matters because she just basically doesn't respect my authority as the man of the house. Whether it's because of how she was raised to be independent and not let a man "control" her or not I don't know. But I don't see her changing that way of thinking and becoming the naturally submissive (and I don't mean slave) woman that balances out a normal relationship.
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad
Have you ever tried setting boundaries?
Clear boundaries without anger or emotion?
It's no more than, "I'm not ok with that"
Then let HER react.
I have. Depending on what I'm not ok with I either get some rebuttal, a childish tantrum or she just asks what my suggestion is for whatever we are talking about.
I thought I was setting a boundary with this guy but apparently, without her friends talking her out of it, it wouldn't have meant a thing.
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
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Originally Posted by bandit.45
She's immoral. That's all there is to it. No changing that. You are making the right choice.
Yep, the point is she was going to.
From her email:
"AS for his house party, at that time I did have a crush on him, and I could sense he had one on me,too. Yes, if I would have been left alone, something probably would have happened...and it would have been consensual. But I can't tell you how many times I thank God that I never went that far, or never attempted to do anything with him when I had chances. "
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
Live with what? knowing she was going to sleep with this guy?
At the time I thought I had "won the battle" so to speak and the problem was taken care of. It never dawned on me at the time how disrespectful she had been or that she had so quickly been taken by this guy considering all he ever did was just lend an ear and as far as I know didin't actively pursue her.
Re: What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?
I don't think its important who pursued who. A person who values their relationship treats anyone, whether it be an ex, friend, coworker, etc, like a stranger leering at her on the street. Once she finds out their intentions, ew, no thanks.
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What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process? 
