Divorce after 90 days of marriage

QualJin · 05-26-2012, 12:05 PM

A friend of mine found this site for me so I'm trying it because I need some support. I have no family in the town where I live since I only moved here recently. My family is abroad and does not care anyway.

My husband and I met last July and got married last November. He was 53 and I am 41. He told me that I was the "love of his life" and that he had never been as happy as he had been with me. He used to take antidepressants when I met him but shortly before our wedding day he decided to stop taking them against my advice.

Shortly after the wedding he started into a deep depression. It was hard on him, and hard on me, but I was very supportive to him, which he will attest to. We had also started to argue about little things. I finally insisted that he see someone about his depression and that we see a marriage counselor.

He went to see a psychiatrist who immediately put him on a mood stabilizing med and an anti anxiety med. The psychiatrist also diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. It turned out that he has been bipolar for years but failed to disclose that to me. I was supportive and felt that we could deal with it, especially now that he was under the care of a doctor.

Four weeks into the marriage counseling he said that he was not committed to the counseling. I then said that perhaps he should continue to see the psychiatrist and for us to hold off on the marriage counseling for a while. He agreed. At our last counseling session he told the counselor that he was not committed to the marriage. That weekend he asked for a divorce. He has not told his family outright (I did), nor any of his friends that he is filing for divorce.

He has now filed the papers. He refuses to consider any counseling, advice, or anything that would repair the marriage. He has been cruel to me, has cut me off from some of our joint money, berates me about my past (my past has quite a bit of tragedy) and has called me controlling, (even though I'm going to therapy to learn how to set boundaries with people.

The pain of this is intense. I do not want the divorce. I am trying to accept it, but its hard. Does anyone have any advice?

QualJin · 05-26-2012, 01:25 PM

I joined this forum because I needed support. I call the crisis line every day. I'm hoping that someone can at least offer some support or even a word of advice. :/

Lionelhutz · 05-26-2012, 01:32 PM

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately it takes two to make a marriage. He has not been honest and open with you about a significant mental health history and most importantly he is resisting treatment. As painful as it may seem now, in the long run I don't see your marriage being anything but a source of pain in your life unless he was fully committed and actively involved in his own treatment. Do not allow yourself to become co-dependant on his disorder. Accordingly, even if he was to call you right now and ask you back, I would tell you to take it very slow and cautiously. I would want to see a good track record from him for a few months.

Almostrecovered · 05-26-2012, 01:34 PM

It's a holiday weekend so responses will probably sparse right now

There's only so much you can do isn't there? He has to take it upon himself to get help and stick to treatment. I know it isn't fair to you at all and I truly feel for you.

Do consider that the whirlwind of romancing prior to the martiage could have been during the manic phase. Heightened sexuality, spirituality and feelings of love are all part of a manic cycle. Thus it is very possible that those feelings have turned upside down on him quickly during his depression cycle as depression puts you into a cloud of despair and no room for those feelings of love for you. In essence, his true feelings lie somewhere in the middle.

But alas all of that is moot if he won't do what is necessary to bring himself into reality

QualJin · 05-26-2012, 01:36 PM

We live in the same house still. And strangely enough, even though he has told me that he does not want to be married, and he doesn't love me, he wants to do things with me like go hiking, or for walks etc. How do I respond to that? Do I turn him down or do I go anyway? I don't expect these things to better our marriage but I'm a bit torn about it.

Almostrecovered · 05-26-2012, 01:38 PM

Going halfway on a marriage is only going to leave you in limbo. It's best to detach at this point and have him come to you if he wants to save it. I'm on
My phone right now so hopefully someone else can post a link to the 180 as I think it can help you

PBear · 05-26-2012, 01:39 PM

At this point, I think your best use of your time and effort is to make sure you don't get into the same situation again. Why did you marry so quickly? What warning signs did you miss? Have you dealt with your past properly?

C
Posted via Mobile Device

QualJin · 05-26-2012, 01:43 PM

He seemed very sincere. Not only to me but to my friends as well. They thought that he genuinely cared for me. He seemed to. He proposed to me. At his age, I seriously thought that he did know his own mind and was comfortable with himself. He was very open and honest about certain things. I say certain things because its obvious that he didn't tell me about other things, specifically about being bipolar. I have dealt with my past. My past that he is talking about is because like I said, a lot of tragedy, which includes two of my children passing away. He thinks that it's too much for him to deal with. Truth is, I'm the one who lived it, not him so I see this as a poor excuse and he knows it is too.

EleGirl · 05-26-2012, 01:49 PM

His asking for a divorce could be coming from his depression. After a few weeks/months back on medication he might be stable again and feel better about things.

BUT... do you want to live like this... wiht his ups and downs? BP people are very hard to live with. They will make a person with so mental issues depressed and feel insane.

Almostrecovered · 05-26-2012, 01:56 PM

Reality is skewed for this man right now, both before the marriage and after

Until he gets the correct combo of mood stabilizing drugs and goes thru therapy to learn tools to handle his disorder he will not see things for how they really are

QualJin · 05-26-2012, 02:02 PM

He is currently on medication right now and is not quite as depressed as he has been. That being said, I cannot vouch for how he is taking it or if he is actually taking it. He sees his psychiatrist twice a month, but I can hardly see any benefit from my point of view as he is still mean and cruel to me

EleGirl · 05-26-2012, 02:07 PM

This is very hard. I've seen people stop their meds and be completely different when they start up again.. never going back to the way they were before. it's like their body's reation to the meds change.

You are in a terribel position with this. You might want to seriously think about accepting his desire for a divorce. If you move, don't live with him it would be a lot easier on you.

Almostrecovered · 05-26-2012, 02:11 PM

Again you need to realize that the whirlwind romance was likely during a manic phase and therefore not "real" for him

QualJin · 05-26-2012, 02:24 PM

I'm realizing that now about it not being "real" for him. Thank you EleGirl for posting the links. Starting them today!

QualJin · 05-26-2012, 09:12 PM

I had not heard about the 180 before today, but now that I have, I have started to implement it. Not the easiest thing to do but I'm standing my ground. I'm going about my life starting from today.