How do I stay strong about my decision to seperate?
The past few months I have been looking around, trying to use others stories for support and motivation... finally got the nerve to sign up and ask for help, as nothing seems to fit what is going on, and everyone seems to have great advice on all varieties of situations.
For about a year and a half (6 months after our wedding) I knew that we would be getting divorce, due to infidelity on his part with a friend of mine (definite EA, suspected PA but never confirmed). I stuck it out because I thought maybe it would get better, and so I could continue to work and go to school, and keep an intact family structure for our son, but it only got worse. The EA stopped (he tried to pretend it never happened and that I should get over it), but all the problems before the marriage just got worse. No emotional support, incredibly self-centered, slight verbal and emotional abuse, an alcohol and anger problem, consistently taking me for granted, and never being considered about any decisions. It took me a very very long time, but after my own brief PA (it was wrong, I own up to it and feel bad about it and have admitted it), I knew it was time to get out. There was no hope for us, and it was negatively impacting our son and I was getting more and more depressed, while he felt he was living the life. I a month ago I confessed the PA and told him I wanted a divorce. I KNOW this is the right decision, too much damage has been done for me to ever feel valued by him. So here is the problem.
Ever since his EA/PA? I have been telling him how unhappy I am and that I don't think our marriage will work. His tactic was to ignore me and pretend we were fine, and continue all his negative behavior and not make any changes to himself or our situation. And made me feel ridiculous and like I was wrong for having all these feelings. So I stopped, after being told for so long that I am over reacting and the crazy one, there was no way for me to try anymore. Now that he knows that from my side, I consider this marriage over, he is "trying" and is overly emotional. Doing all the things most guys on this site say they are doing- pleading, promising me the world, etc. But his actions are not consistent with this "change" and I really doubt itll ever get better, no matter what he says.
He is very reluctantly moving out this week, and the guilt he is laying into me is just breaking and beating me down. I feel like it would be easier to just give in and say fine, ill stay until our child is 18 and then I am out the door. He is not a terrible guy despite his faults, but rather I truly believe we were never compatible to begin with. He is older and this is his second marriage, I am younger and got pregnant and was another dumb girl thinking I wanted to keep the family together. I am trying to be logical and as reasonable and accommodating as possible, but his emotions and anger and upsetness are so overwhelming that I feel like I am the most terrible person on the planet for just wanting to be happy. I was so relieved when I made the decision to end the marriage, but now I feel like I am selfish and just another walk away wife. I tried to make positive changes and he dismissed them, I tried to talk to him and make him listen to me, and he didn't. I had my share of faults too, but all I ever did was try to make his life as easy as possible and he walked all over me. And he's still doing it, and not listening to me when I say I need this separation because hes overwhelming me.
So I guess my question is, how do you stay strong when you feel bad and just want to give in, knowing its the wrong decision for you but that the other party is so devastated. How do I stick with this separation and inevitable divorce, and not let him convince me that things could be better when they are clearly not. All the things he says to me, that I never tried and he didn't know and I never communicated, he just didn't pay attention to me when I was telling him to his face. But am I a walk away wife if he ignored me? Am I even doing the right thing?
Thanks for any advice... I am so desperate that I am at my wits end. Our MC knows exactly how I feel but keeps saying that its not hopeless... I just wanted her to help get him on the same page so that we could be great coparents and not ruin our child's life.
Typical of what is expected with his personality I suppose, a lot of fighting, very young parents, poor, little support, no communication or emotion. He is a big proponent of not letting your childhood define your adult self, but it very much did and he doesn't feel he needs therapy for it But our MC said he does, so I think he may try it. Maybe. Posted via Mobile Device
[QUOTE=Lifescript;776847]I think you already know the answer. Don't do something (stay in the relationship) you know is the wrong action to take.
Also, your PA is a huge sign that you have no feelings for him. Correct?
Who is the OM, why did you two end up having something, was he giving you attention before husband's EA/PA? What was the factor in all this?
Do you guys fight a lot? If so the kid is better off with you two separate
Thanks for the reply. I do know the answer... I just don't know how to keep myself from giving into what he wants when he's so overwhelmingly trying to change my mind. I knew it would be hard, I never expected it to be easy, but I just thought that for once he would respect what I am telling him I want after being ignored for so long
The OM is someone I met after his incident. For the sake of everyone's sanity we ended it before I confessed. I want to get though this for me, not for another person, and then rebuild my life and self worth and work hard at creating a new normal for my son and I.
We rarely fought because I learned to shut up because he always had to win, but yes there was a lot of fighting, and I am convinced it's turning him into an aggressive kid. He behaves much better with one or the other but if both of us are present, all bets are off
How do I get my H to see this as clearly as I do, especially with the upcoming seperation I'd like him to work on himself on non custody nights, something he says he only wants to do if it'll make an impact on saving the mariage ? Posted via Mobile Device