momtoboys

Doing "going dark" aka No contact OR limited contact since we have kids push them closer to the OW/OM since we are not around?

I have already filed for divorce and am done, but i was just curious. You read in Divorce busting about going dark or Limited contact/no contact....but im confused, doesnt that push them to the OM/OW more?!

tacoma

Yes I suppose it would;

I don`t advise going dark until the BS has been severely disrespected in some manner.

At that point it`s more of a self preservation method than a relationship aid.
By that time it really matters not if the WS runs to the AP

momtoboys

I know this sounds horrible and childish, but i am 28. We have 2 kids together, one who is only 6 months old. Both kids were planned. I have been through hell and back the last 2 years with him (deployment, then his drinking/abusing sleeping pills and cocaine this year) and he left me for an 18 year old. Id LOVE for him to want me back just so i can say no and laugh in the 18 year olds face. I kind of already am because he has sent me nude pictures while with her. Like i said i know its horrible to feel that way. Im trying to over come feeling like that, but i cant help it.

tacoma

Ahh yeah, your in a good position for going as dark as you can.

It isn`t going to have any effect on your relationship because you don`t have one anymore.

What it is going to do is keep many of the triggers that would happen by talking to him from happening.

I know it doesn`t help you right now mom but it really does just take time.

The best revenge is complete disinterest.

chattycathy

It does push THEM closer.
That has to happen so that, with you out of the picture, you are not being used to support the romance.

You heal out of the drama and they get to really get a whiff of real life to see how they really are as a team.

sadwithouthim

Its really sad to read your posts. I'm so sorry you are being put through this. To send you those pictures makes him despicable. I'm sure he will find an 18 year old to be quite immature eventually.
You have a lot of strength that i commend you for.
Hang in there.
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jtut21

There is a chance to push them closer but if that happens it is a rebound relationship. A rebound relationship doesn't last long because they are only trying to fill a void with the first available person. They end up moving beyond that person within a short time because they aren't really that interested in them.

No contact creates curiosity with the ex because they begin wondering all sorts of things about what is going on with you: "have you moved on that easy?", "have you found someone else", etc.

samyeagar

It does push them closer together, and that is one of the best ways to break a PA or rebound relatioship up. This is not pushing them together with any kind of approval however. With you out of the way under NC, he will not have any new ammunition to talk to his GF about, and this also forces them to find new things other than you to bond over, so yeah, give them as much time together and watnedf the implosion happen faster than you ever thought possible.

momtoboys

Good point everyone, never thought about it.

Things were moving fast with them. I fount out he told her he loved her after a few weeks of dating. When i blew up his phone he was saying how great she is, etc.

Now i have backed off and today he acted like things have cooled off between them, although theyre still together.

Nsweet

You actually need take yourself out of the picture as soon as possible when they've chosen the AP over you. This saves you the trouble of trying to compete for his attention when it's too late and from all the emotional trauma of feeling left out.

The more you are seen as chasing and trying to argue with his feelings about leaving or the OW the further away he will push you and more respect he will lose for you. Don't chase him, just let the baby have his bottle.

You'll need to agree with him at some point and actually tell him somehow that you won't stop him from leaving or being with someone more deserving.... basically "I'm breaking up with you first.". This helps you take away the stick he beats you with and change his expectation of you wanting to chase him.

Yes, he will go seek the comfort and many other things he got from you from the OW, but it won't be the same once the sweetheart stage wears off. You'll only see crumbs pathetically tossed at you while he's in the fog but only to keep you at an arms length away in case he wants you back. Resist giving him this hope at all costs because he will only fight for you long enough to keep you as a second option and then go back to her.

LMFAO, "I love you" after a few WEEKS!!!! Ok, this is going to end quicker than you expect. In fact I doubt it will last long enough to see the court house. I could write pages about how he's taking things too fast but I'll save you the trouble and sum it up "Quickly in love, quickly out of love".

Simply put, once the sexual attraction wears off and either one of them starts to re-establish their boundaries... Her: "Don't touch my @$$ in public". Him: "I already told you I love you ten times today!", the relationship will grow stale and die a natural death. They just don't have the friendship to support a lasting relationship because they jumped into bed so soon, and even if they faked it they wouldn't have much to go off of because he still has children to support..... which she will be jealous of.

Once that apple pie doesn't taste as nice you'll see him start wanting to come back and avoid her more often. If you can pass the marshmallow test and treat him kind but not chase after him, you see the OW grow controlling and blow her chances faster than ever.

Just thank your lucky stars you have children and your H was foolish enough to say "I love you" and turn this PA before he got to know her. If they waited to go PA until after divorce it would take much longer to end. This really is comical and has better chance for you winning him back if you can practice patience and see how this is going to end.... badly for him.

I know exactly what you're going through and how much it hurts to feel you lost your spouse to the AP, but don't cry over a jerk that abandoned his children. If anything laugh at her for not knowing what she's in for and him for thinking she's going to be completely different than you. She's going to nag him and try to change him just as much as the next woman...... except, she's going to try to get commitment from him as fast as possible and keep him from seeing you. Good luck with that home-wrecking control freak!

momtoboys

Nsweet-Thank you for the wise words. You want to hear something funny? I went only 2 days of No contact and i made a few comments about how im happy for him and i dont care that he's with her. He usually goes on to say how great she is, and its none of my business what they do or dont do, etc. Well today he didnt do any of that. He seemed to have already cooled down.

We are going to meet half way (hes in NC, i am in MD..So we will meet in Richmond,VA) sunday. I'm sure she's going to be upset about it, or he will lie to her about it.

Its easy for them to get along right now because the reality of him having a soon to be ex-wife and kids hasnt hit her yet because they're 6 hours away. This will be the first slap in the face of reality to her if he even tells her he's meet us half way.

Nsweet, since you seem to know your stuff. What do you think i should expect Sunday from him? Im sorta scared to see him. Hesitant that it might hurt me more to see him. We havent seen each other since Jan.


Also, i do worry about them marrying. He and i met and got married 3 months later. But he hadnt been in a relationship in a long time. So it wasnt like we were going from a marriage to our own marriage.

Nsweet

Great! Now the key here is consistency with you're indifferent attitude. You can't act like this for a few days and then flip out on Sunday, you gotta keep it together and build this expectation that you're happy for him and generally don't care.

I dropped the ball on this quite a few times since January while going through some problems that further complicated things, right after I first exposed my W's A, and all her failed gaslighting attempts. Though, if I've learned one thing through this it's you can't get rid of your ex. No, I mean really.... they come back like ****roaches when they're lonely and missing what they had.

More likely she already knows something is up but only that you and stbxh are divorcing. I think you're right on the money about her being left out of the details because she would want to tag along to keep an eye on him, incase you two decided to have breakup sex (at least in her mind). You'll be able to tell by the tone of your H's voice when he talks to her in he's lying, and by the amount he texts her or length of the texts. Oh yeah, she can be gaslighted and lied to as well.

Since January, eh? Then I take it this meeting is for him to sign the papers and for you to file on Monday. Fantastic! You're going to arrange to meet for lunch somewhere all the locals rave around 10-3, since he'll probably leave to beat traffic early on. Somewhere in public works best because you can't make a scene. You'll leave the papers in the car and just use this time to say "hey, how are you...." small happy talk, small talk, happy talk and enjoy your food for the next 20-30 minutes.

Go dutch! When you're done you can bring him to the car and talk things over feeling full and happy. If he resists your offer over the phone then tell him how your kids want to see him, and I'm sure he misses them very much. Honestly it is going to hurt a little, but it's going to hurt you more if you don't do this.

You don't need to worry about them marrying and I'll tell you why. Betrayed spouses often fear their exes will jump into marriage the day of divorce, but a lot of us don't consider how divorce hurts them too. There's a lot of guilt attached to this and after you're out of the picture he's going to wonder if he made the right decision whenever she stops faking it.

The OW he loves is nothing but a front she's created to make herself seem more perfect that she really is. She's spent months if not years by now blowing smoke up his @$$ and telling how she'll do everything much better than you if only he's make her his. He better enjoy it now because he's not going to like her very soon! Don't think for a second that either one of them will keep doing the things they're doing forever.

Sure he'll tell her he loves her and do whatever it takes to keep getting sex, but unless he's one of the 3% he'll hold off on marriage until after his guilt goes away, which it won't..... and he may be looking at spousal and child support. BURN! I'd say he would be more inclined to enjoy his freedom from marriage for as long as he can and keep telling the OW to wait. Which she won't take for very long because she's been trying to capture him for what seems like an eternity and marry him (quite the opposite of OM mind you).

With you out of the picture I'd say their sweetheart stage is only going to last another 6-8 months year or so at most. Once that fun filled fantasy fog of life after divorce lifts they're going to start lying down the rules and fighting like anyone else. First on that list would have to be money since HE'S PAYING CHILD SUPPORT! You can imagine the fresh hell they will enjoy finding out all the lies they've told aren't true after that.

You're not the only one to capture and mary early, I did it in a month and spent the next two years putting her through college and winning over her family. She cheated on me a month after I left the Navy and started an affair with a POS D-bag friend of hers. Her whole family knows what's going on and she moved away from everyone to be with him. Divorced as of May 9th and she tells me she has no plans of marrying him, even cried when I told her she had my blessing. I give them less than a year tops.

momtoboys

We are meeting sunday so he could see the kids. He has met our 6 month old once. He hasnt seen in 6 months. Our 3 year old is really struggling with the divorce and his dad not moving back up here. He is staying in NC. I have filed for divorce but am still awaiting the papers to get served to him. It really makes me sad.

We talked again today about belongings and he told me he hates me because he is having to pay child support and because i want most of the furniture. (which he offered to me, so i accepted). He went on to call me a b*tch because he claims im trying to take everything from him.

Everything i say to him is never right. I try to be nice and meet him half way to see our kids and i dont have to do that but i am to be nice so he can have some sort of relationship with them. I told him i didnt have to do it but i was trying to be fair and nice and of course he said "well then dont do it, i dont need you doing that for me, blah blah blah. He had asked me if i wanted to stay and eat with them and i told him i would, then today i told him if he'd prefer to spend alone time with our oldest son id go off and do something else so he can spend some time with our 3 year old. Well after i said that he went on to say how im a b*tch for changing plans. Then he said he'd going to have nothing, so i said id split the furniture with him, i only said id take it all because he offered it to me. Well after i said that he said he doesnt want the furniture. He is mad because im making him pay the full amount of child support, he only wants to pay 200 for 2 kids. I mean i just really cant win with him.

After sunday im going strictly NC.

Nsweet

I have a few explanations for this I will get to when I have time later tonight.

For the most part I can point to the victim-prosector-rescuer triangle that he's using to portray you as the villain and paint himself, as well as her in the best light. All that pent up frustration has to go somewhere and it's being blamed on you.

Yes, you are right to want more that $200 for per child.... Child support barely covers basic expenses anyways and even the judge will side with you on this. The furniture was a gift, let's leave it at that.

I would take it as a good sign that he wanted you over in the first place but I can understand if you didn't feel right about it. You certainly don't have to bless him with your presence after he's called you a b!tch and said all those nasty things. There's only one thing he deserves after that and it's for you to go dark. He's been a naughty little boy and you're not going to visit until he acts right.

This is where I see some enabling on your part, not a lot but it's there. By allowing him to keep talking to you after calling you a b!tch or talk to you so frequently you're spoiling him rotten. He can leave a message and have you dial the phone for your oldest to talk to him, but he doesn't deserve your kind words yet.

Trust me, this is really nothing more than some pent up rage he's taking out on you because his perfect life sucks. You're best to avoid him for a few days until you see him Sunday. If he's still acting like this then use some thing like this to disarm him.....

"Look I get it, you see me as the controlling b!tch that ruined your life until you found someone better. While I would like for us to save this marriage, I'm not going to keep you from being happy with someone more deserving. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we first planned, so let's just get through this as quickly and painless as possible so you can be with her."

It works because you're agreeing with his feelings and taking his side while giving him what he thinks he wants. You and I both know this affair won't last long, especially if he's getting so controlling and freaking out at just the legal planning of divorce. Wait till you file after mediation/court and go dark/dim.

Even if the divorce goes through, which you need to be prepared for, you'll see him start to fall apart and want to come back. You have three kids.... I urge you to consider it over the next couple of years but enjoy your fun. I got my parents back together after 21 years, it can happen! Just look at DaisyGirl41.

EleGirl

It will usually push them apart in the long run.

It might push them closer for a bit while they are ‘free at last’. But over time, him not having you in his life actually puts a huge pressure on their relationship. While the two of you were still together he had you to fill a large portion of his needs. She only had to fill as few and be the fun person. Now she has to be everything to him. That’s not the relationship that she has had up to now.

The book ‘Surviving an Affair’ goes into this quite a bit.

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