Please tell me What this means???? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-27-2009, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Please tell me What this means????

We have been separated for 4 months. The kids have barely had anything to do with him due to the way he left. He is living 2 hours away and hasn't been down to even try to see the kids. We have talked some and texted,but nothing major. I sent separation papers, we argued bad over them for 1 night and then suddenly he is finding excuses to come. Says he wants to see the kids,etc. He is calling me and texting everynight,but all conversations are about general stuff,family,etc.etc. Very nice, but chats like you are just talking to a friend. (he left, said he didn't love me anymore but does care) He's tried to give me money, asked how I am etc.etc.etc. I guess what I am having a hard time with is trying to figure out is this ABOUT me too, or just about the kids. I can't believe he would try to be close friends with me this soon, but at the sametime I don't want to get my hopes up either. I'm trying to play this off as he has lost me. So I can't ask him. He never mentions anything about
"us" working anything out, but he is sooo nice to me. This has only been going on a week or so. Any thoughts? Would a man who wanted out still act this way?

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-27-2009, 09:12 PM
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Re: Please tell me What this means????

very good please husband says the same thing...the difference is he is still in the house & in the same bed with me. he acts indifferent & depressed but does allow me to show him i still care, however very seldom reciprocates.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-27-2009, 10:05 PM
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Re: Please tell me What this means????

I'm not sure what all the details are in your situation--sorry I haven't read your other post. I've been separated a year now. My estranged husband behaves this way too. It drives me crazy. Both the divorce lawyer and my counselor say he is sooo irresponsible and doesn't want to be an adult. I have put an end to much of this though. I really got fed up in December. One week end he was here at the house playing family man helping decorate for Christmas. The next week end he was 400 miles away attending a Christmas party with his girlfriend. He was planning to spend Christmas day here with us--I just told him to go spend Christmas day with the girlfriend too. I no longer call him or anything. He does call the children and me sometimes. I hope some guys answer your question and clue us in!
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-27-2009, 10:35 PM
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Re: Please tell me What this means????

Mine is doing the same thing. He still lives here, but in the spare room. We get along very well, do nice things for each other. He says he doesnt love me anymore and just cant stay in the relationship. He still "likes" me though. Blah!
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-28-2009, 05:03 AM
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Re: Please tell me What this means????

it means they stil cant properly let go.
you stil provide a strange type of stability.
the fact that your partner/etc stil knows how you tick.
the world is a big place - try something new in the pot and it can bury you.
we all know that meeting someone new etc or being on your own is a new challenge in life, how often do they work out these days,
my guess they dont that often.
so why change that concept when the life at home isnt that good. but its not bad and its stil a safety net.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-29-2009, 06:44 PM
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Re: Please tell me What this means????

My husband is acting the same way. He had said before that even if we split, he would still be friends with me. Even so, I was hopeful that him spending time with me meant he wanted to try to work things out. I tried to keep it on a friendly level for a while.

But when I asked him about it, I found out that he is in no way working on the marriage right now. It feels too much like he is just stringing me along, only contacting me when he is bored. So I am trying to cut off contact as much as possible, because I can't stop hoping.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-20-2009, 03:54 PM
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Re: Please tell me What this means????

Interesting. I can see this happening to me.

No REAL reason to go, but no reason to stay. Security and comfort of what they have vs. the unknown and big bad world.

They are indecisive as I see it. I'm tired. I helped him make the decision. He wanted the divorce but didn't move a muscle to make it happen or wouldn't talk about it. I wanted to work on the marriage. In the meantime, I wait in my own LIMBO. No more. I am leaving him and the house. He can have the memories that he didn't want or forgot. He can have the maintanence of the family home but live alone. He can have the neighbors ask where I am. I get the fresh start and the divorce that I didn't want.

Funny thing. When I announced this (sobbing). His attitude changed for the better. Hmmm
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-20-2009, 05:41 PM
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Re: Please tell me What this means????

My husband does the same thing. Can't hang on, can't let go. Very bad on the one who wants to hang on and is very in love w/the other one. What kills me the most is if you can't let go, then that means something IS still there when alot of men and women say there isn't. It kills. I love my husband very much and every piece of "nice" gives me hope.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-21-2009, 07:23 AM
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Re: Please tell me What this means????


Since I'm not your husband and don't know him personally I'm not sure why he would do this for certain. But if I were him, it just might seem easier to leave the whole situation. I was like Picabu's H for a while just moping around the house as I let the stress of life get to me and the pressures I felt on me (a vicious cycle, but that's another story). My wife showed me she cared and tried to get me to talk, but I was withdrawing, not intentionally, but withdrawing nonetheless. When she finally pushed me to the limit I finally realized what I was doing to myself and to her. I was making her feel unwanted, and I am ashamed of that. Now it is going the other way some what. She is angry that it "took me so long to see this" and I'm working on getting my happiness back for me first, then for her and then my son.

Prior to this realization and since there have been times that I just want to run away because it just seems easier on her to let her find happiness without me. Maybe that is what your H was doing because maybe his love is that deep and realizes sometimes that old cliche' that says if you really love someone, then you've got to let them go and be happy and if they really love you back you won't lose them. So he might have been letting you go, to see what happened and then the seperation papers came and he freaked.

His chit chats just might be because he is afraid or doesn't know how to start talking about his feelings with you. I know I was a bad communicator with my wife there for a while and I'm trying to learn to be a better listener and communicator. It is tough because I'm not a real talker and she seems so angry still (her dad's side of the family holds grudges - one has been going on for nearly 50 years). And she won't tell me she is in it for the long haul (she did say it before but not in the last two months). All I know is how I might react, but I'm not him.

Hope this helps. In then end whether we are men or women, can't we all just remember we can't read each others minds. Be strong.
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