SadMom

Two weeks ago I found out my husband of 11 years has been having an affair for the past two months. I told him to get out. He did and went right to her house. I packed his stuff and told him to come and get it and that we had to sit down together and explain this to our two daughters (8 & 11).

He came home a day later and we talked to our girls, all of us were in tears. We were able to talk alone and he said he was sorry this was happening, he didn't plan for it to happen, he stilled cared for me and that he was confused and didn't want to hurt me. He was surprised that I was not freaking out and that I was being so rational. We hugged each other and cried together.

He stayed for the next two nights and we had sex both nights. This is strange because we were having sex once a month if we were lucky. I don't know what to think about that. I wanted it to happen. I guess to try and win him back or prove that I love him. But while it was happening I was thinking he was probably comparing me to his girlfriend and I almost ended up in tears.

The next day (Thurdsay) he had to go out of town for the afternoon. I was going to go with him, so we could talk I guess. Also I was feeling so clingy I didn't want to let him out of my sight. I changed my mind and said he should go alone, so he could think..maybe decide what he wanted to do. He came back that aft. and stayed the night again. We slept together, but just hugged and he comforted me when I cried.

On Friday, we still had not discussed anything or come to any resolution - and he had gone to his girlfriend's earlier in the day. I felt like we had been playing house all week, like nothing was wrong. He had not made a decision. I confronted him and told him I couldn't go on this way. I wanted to know what he was feeling, where his head was at. He asked me if I wanted the truth and told me that he felt sorry for me. I told him that if he didn't love me I didn't want him.

He left Friday night after the kids went to bed and asked if I could give him a few days and that he would call me Monday. Again, he went to her house. We had been talking /e-mailing and arranged that he would pick up our kids from school on Monday. He never mentioned anything about us. All week he has been coming to the house during the day when I'm at work and picking up the kids after school. He has a shower here, eats, even did the dishes twice which is soo unlike him. But leaves about a 1/2 hour before I get home.

He still has not taken all his stuff, just a few clothes. I don't know where to go from here. I want him back. I am trying to keep the lines of communication open. I suggested going to councelling when we first talked, but he only said "do you think it would help".

I can't believe he can walk away from our twenty years together for a two month relationship. We hadn't been fighting... I didn't realize things were this bad for him. I didn't get a chance to try and work this out or to make it better.

I guess my question is..Where do I go from here? I want to tell him I still love him. I feel so hurt and alone. I don't know how to be single, we've been together since high-school. Do I let him go and hope that he will come to his senses and come back? Should I get legal advice? I just don't know.

Weronlyhuman

I'm about a month into a divorce myself. I've cheated on my wife more times than I can count but I did stop four years ago, ten years of marriage and three kids. It wasn't until I caught her in an affair that I came clean with her about some of mine. Yes, I was a sleazebag and so was she.

Although I have been attending church over the past 6 months or so I really did not "get it". Last Friday my pastor spent two hours with me, told me I had some issues and gave me a book to read saying it's the story of my life. I read it, it broke me down into tears and showed me how bad I have hurt my wife and other people throughout my life. The name of the book is "Failure and How I achieved it".

Go to Branches Recovery Center and purchase a copy. You should read and decide if you want to give it to him. “I want you to do is read this book. If after reading it you feel good about where you are in life and don't want to change then we can divorce.” It may not work, maybe I was at rock bottom but it spoke to me deeply. At this point my wife may still leave me because she does not trust me. The funny thing is I think she is seeing someone now, who knows. All I know is I was suppose to be the leader of my house and I took us the wrong way for a long time. Call it Karma what you will I call it payback for all I deserve. I've surrendered my situation to God as I can't do anything other than mess up. I hope this helps you. Best of luck!

827Aug

Sorry to hear you are having this problem. My 22 year marriage came to an end last year when my husband moved out. I have experienced every emotion known, learned many things, and have grown wiser over the past 12 months. Today we are still separated and he still says he cares for me. However, he refused counseling and is still seeing an array of women.

The first thing I've got to say is don't hold your breath that he will return. He is living with another woman. He is still at the "in love with" stage with her. At this point she is perfect in his eyes. On average this stage lasts 18 months. In the meantime my advice to you is to appear strong and independent. In other words, don't beg, plead, or cry in his presence. In addition, seek legal counsel. Know exactly were you stand.

Since you also indicate you are lost, you might want to get individual counseling. It was helped me immensely. Good luck to you.

SadMom

Thanks for the replies. I will check out that book for sure.

I still don't know what to do next. I don't want to seem like a pathetic, clingy woman...but I have to tell him how I feel. I can't just let him walk away like this.

MsLady

ABSOLUTELY. asap.


As for what to do, take care of yourself and your girls. You can tell him calmly that you love him, but also make it clear that the ball is not all in his court and that you have some thinking to do yourself about whether you could ever take him back if he decided that's what he wants.

You see - if it looks like you are sitting by just waiting for him. If it seems like he actually has all the choices here, two women both waiting on him to pick, well, that's a huge aphrodisiac and he's more likely to string everybody along. That will keep you in emotional limbo and keep you from the hard work of closure and healing, one way or another.

Get counseling for yourself so you have someone that's on your corner holding you up emotionally (that will help not lean on him for that kind of support - he's not your support system right now, remember that).

Also, stop sleeping with him.