papa5280

I finally gave in and bought the Nice Guy book (well, audio book). I'm most of the way through it for the first time. I know I'll go through it many more times.

I can clearly see the lifelong patterns of behavior on my side, and the childhood issues that have led me to use the paradigms that I use.

Until now, I've attributed my walk-away STBXW's behavior to HER shortcomings. After all, I did what I was supposed to do. I held up my end of the contract. Why couldn't she? Maybe because I was the only one who knew what the contract was supposed to be.

I've got a long road ahead, but at least I see the road. The thing that sucks is that I know I owe my STBXW an apology for my role in the problems. I HATE that.

synthetic

No you don't.

She walked away. You owe her nothing.

You're still a nice guy seeking validation from a walk-away wife.

Don't get me wrong. I'm in the same boat, but I know that I don't owe my wife an apology for failing to put her in her place when I should've.

I owe myself an apology and forgiveness. You do too.

UpnDown

Agreed, I was very close 2 days ago to sending my stbxw a lengthy email expressing my 'problem areas' and apologizing .. thankfully I road out the storm, got some great advice as to why not to and I'm happier now that I never did.

papa5280

Wow...it's so frickin' obvious when it's just laid-out in front of me.

Sorry for the post...er...I mean...aw, man......

Seriously, thanks for the reality check. A long...long...long road ahead.

Mavash.

I'm not divorced but wanted to chime in and say you are in good company and of course sorry you are here. There are plenty of too nice guys (and gals) here in various stages of recovery.

There is a cure and it starts with awareness and understanding. The good news it's fixable.

Matt1720

As someone who has limited contact with the W, I was tempted to do as you and flip the "I f'd up" switch early and often.

It was only when I fought every instinct to engage emotionally with her (due to my own insecurities) that I could get a somewhat realistic snapshot of our relationship.

Actions speak louder than words, both hers and yours. If you both don't currently have the opportunity to make things better through ACTIONS, theres no need to turn your heart inside out.

lamaga

It's just a book, Papa. It's one book, it's one approach.

I realize it's canon around here, but it's just one book.

tacoma

Lol...you really are a nice guy aren`t ya?

Mavash.

I bet I've read over 130 books on self improvement. Now that I see it I realize they all essentially say the same thing just in different words.

However it took me reading all those books AND 3 years of therapy AND tam before it all just clicked one day.

Or maybe I'm just slow. LOL

papa5280

I know it's just a book, but the constructs speak to me in a way that others have not.

I've never been a fan of Freudian approaches (well, not since my mom told me not to be ), but I can see a tremendous convergence of my circumstances, childhood behavior, and adult behavior that are well explained by Glover's hypothesis. I'm not blindly accepting whatever he throws out, but I'm certainly going to explore the concepts and try out solutions that make sense to me.

Conrad

How about a compromise?

You do not apologize BUT when (not if) she asks you what is different, you tell her you realized you needed to work on yourself.

Same message - but strong.

Very truly,

Your Safe Man

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH