synthetic

Oh she will settle for much less than she had with you and still call it "better" because her pride has her trapped.

2-3 years down the road though...

Conrad

It's called a marriage of convenience.

Once it's no longer convenient, they are out.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

mab1

I think I may have just forced things to a head!

She came round to pick up her mail and we were chatting about the garden, friends, how she enjoyed teaching and all the regrets she had about school and uni. It was all quite pleasant for about half an hour. Then she started talking about the house and how we probably shouldn't sell it, how she'd found a flat etc etc. I pointed out we may have to change some insurance stuff if she was living elsewhere and things went very quickly downhill from there.

All the 180 stuff out of the window, we were talking about us! It did not go well. I still can't change, she is too far gone, she doesn't think she loves me anymore (but still isn't 100%, she may have made a mistake). By walking out she showed she had made her decision. She's lonely, on the edge of a nervous breakdown but still thinks it's the right thing to do. She doesn't miss me, I have undermined her, kept her from her friends, I did loads wrong during the marriage (some of which were true and I massively regret them. Things like not congratulating her properly when she got her grant). I was always unhappy because of work and she was a go getter and she didn't think I could cope with that. She wants to be alone because she is always pleasing others and thinks it isn't healthy.
She did slip at one point and said that my behaviour had forced her to someone, I mean something else (EA confirmation? Possibly).

She then went back to the night she said we should separate and found more things I said which I shouldn't have (eg belittled her current job), but I've already apologised numerous time for that evening so this time I stood up for myself a bit more. I pointed out that if she could change why can't I? That I regretted loads but that I wanted to move forward and prove myself in future. And then I said that the problem was that I didn't know how to show her. I said I didn't feel I could keep going the way were were for long, that I didn't want to stay here but if there was a even a 1% chance of saving our marriage I would do it. That I didn't want to convince her with words but show her with actions but couldn't see a way to do it, but I was desperately trying to save our marriage. Basically, I took the 180 rules and ignored most of them!

So when she asked me what I wanted to do I asked her to come to councilling for a few sessions. By this point she was really angry (presumably because I had shown some backbone) but agreed to come. Now I'm assuming if she does come it will only be to convince herself that she is right. Her parting words were along the line of by asking her to agree to councilling I was enforcing my will over hers and thereby proving I didn't respect her opinions and that I was forcing her into her pleasing everyone behaviours again.

The worst thing was she was just looking at me like she hated me! She grabbed her mail, got straight in her car and just said email me the time to meet. At this point I did cave a bit and said if she was so convinced then she didn't need to go but she just repeated email me and then sped off without a second look.

Help!?!

synthetic

You did what I have done hundreds of times. You indeed lowered your boundaries again and lost a tad more respect for yourself. You're definitely angry with yourself inside. Not because she wants to end the marriage, but because you're subconsciously angry with the unfairness of the situation and how horrible she's treating your genuine feelings. In fact, sometimes you get vengeful and want to soften her up only to tell her to f*** off so you can feel better. It's normal and is a sign of resentments building up.

I know how it feels.

Your wife doesn't hate you. But she definitely doesn't love you enough either. That's all that should matter to you at this point.

That's how I define my own situation: My wife doesn't love me enough, so she's not meeting my personal standards, and therefore must change before I can give her the gift of love and forgiveness.

And yes, you have every right to be angry. She left the marriage. She betrayed your marital vows. She belittled you. She abandoned you. She has perhaps opened her heart to other men and is feeling absolutely nothing about doing all this to you.

Keep imagining what you would feel if she came back tonight and said she wants to stay married. I know you'd let her in, but how would you really feel? Wouldn't you feel like a fool? Used and abused? Played with? Pissed off?

mab1

Am just feeling crap now. She was bloody right again. By forcing councelling on her when she's not ready I've just gone and done exactly what she is complaining about. Yes, I'm desperate to save my marriage but if she really is on the edge of a breakdown how does my adding to the stress help?

I rang and left a message telling her to forget counselling and just concentrate on getting better. That will probably go down badly but I know it's the right thing to do.

I think I just put the final nail into the coffin for my marriage. Gutted....

Conrad

Have you gentlemen ever read about the drama triangle?

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

mab1

drama triangle?

mab1

ah, just read about it. I will be trying to get into the centre of the triangle asap

mab1

Am now in two minds with respect to MC. One, she said she'd go and it might be worth a shot, let her know the time and see if she comes or two, go dark, if she asks tell her, if not well she's the one who broke her word not me.
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Conrad

Good man.

You saw yourself.

You are not alone.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

Conrad

Ask if she has a problem with the time.

If the appointment is set, tell her when it is and that you won't be asking again.

Then go dark.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

synthetic

definitely option 2.

Dark is all you got at this point. Let me put it this way (and I know it will sound pretty negative):

You have NOTHING to battle this pain at this moment. All the weapons and ammo are at your wife's disposal while she has her finger on the trigger and pointing all of them guns at you. What is the most logical thing you can do to avoid the bullets?

1. Beg her not to shoot
2. Try to reason with her why shooting is not a good idea
3. Take cover and reassess the situation

I'm sure you know the logical option is #3

Going dark is taking cover. Go dark. You need to be less attached to her. She needs you to be less attached to her to understand that her actions have consequences.

Conrad

synthetic,

Did you read about the drama triangle?

Tell me you did.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

synthetic

I have sir. It was one of the first wake up calls you gave me here.

mab1

Just got back from day 1 of learning to sail. Really enjoyed it. Was really starting to stress when it came to the capsizing drill. I could literally feel the anxiety starting to rise in me. My wife had always been really anxious about things like that and it had rubbed off on me. Then I remembered NMMNG - if it scares you, do it. So I followed that piece of advice and you know what? I did it. What's more I wanted to keep doing it because I had overcome my fear! It felt great!

Now if only there was someway to overcome the slimeball-filtered lenses which my wife views me through! It is quite upsetting to get every stupid thing (and believe me out of context I have said and done some very stupid things) you've done for ten years thrown in your face over and over. I just need to remember the triangle and stay in the centre, stop apologising and start problem solving.