MyselfAgain

" You'll slowly realize that your own feelings and desires have been completely ignored. At some point your heart will simply refuse to give anymore love without being loved back."

This is a major point. This is exactly why my stbxh left...after almost three months of no contact, I can see exactly how much he loves me -- not at all. I love him, but I deserve better. So do you. No contact is difficult in the beginning, but it has also reenergized my life...having to get out there and do things on my own has made me realize how much I want to be with a man who truly appreciates me. I'd bet that time away from your wife will make you realize that she is not, in fact, the same person you have on a pedestal.
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mab1

Unfortunately, I think she so mentally tired with dealing with it that she isn't even heading the same direction as me but is withdrawing into herself. I think she is really struggling with guilt issues. Probably nothing to do with my feelings but more of her own about throwing everything away in such a short space of time and what sort of person that makes her. Hence, why she is painting me as always being a horrible monster (not true all the time ;-) ), so she can use that to justify what she's done. She still hasn't been able to convince herself properly though otherwise we'd be divorcing, which she hasn't mentioned yet. The comment made about MC being another chore may be spot on but if I give into her on this I'll always wonder what if? Mind you if I force it and it fails I'll probably think the same too! It's all happened so quickly I'm so confused at the moment. I had a moment after todays sailing where I just thought "you know what I'm really fed up of this. It is not all my fault. I didn't go psycho over 1\2 a
tablespoon too much of olive oil in a meal she made me. I did listen to all her ranting about work, and life in general. I came up with all the holiday ideas and so on. I deserve a break.". The annoying thing is I don't think I'll get one and then that's starts off the abandonment issues again and away goes my weary mind again!
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Conrad

Mab,

I'll keep this short.

You've read my story. My wife has admitted she viewed me as her ADVERSARY.

Any idea I had. Any suggestion. Any solution. Any revelation. Any overture. Any request. Any word that came out of my mouth - no matter how tender, sweet, sarcastic or otherwise was TAINTED by that perception.

She isn't going to go along with ANYTHING you propose, as long as she sees you as her adversary. Only by experiencing life without you in it lies the FACT that she will likely miss what you brought to hers.

Can you not see this?

mab1

Thanks Conrad, where can I find your story? It would be great to read it.
So, if both of us going to MC is a waste of time at the moment (which I sort of think it will be) and I'm not ready to walk away yet because I take my marriage vows seriously and do appreciate everything she did for our marriage (even if she has convinced herself I was completely ungrateful) what do I do? I did do things wrong in our marriage and would like the chance to put them right. I'm lonely, I don't enjoy my job, I miss talking to my wife and whilst sailing is fun it's only going to last 2 more days. I've been going to gigs which just end up reminding me that my wife isn't there. I'm even finding the gym hard at the moment because my left hand doesn't feel right on the weights without my ring on! I'm really struggling here. Trying to do the exercises in NMMNG helps a bit but I just feel like I'm in a repeating loop.

Conrad

Schedule a counseling session.

Let her know when it is.

You attend no matter what.

She can come if she wishes.

No encouragement. No nothing.

Just leadership.

Green Shoots Amidst the Wreckage

mab1

Thanks again Conrad. Don't worry I'm going with or without her. I actually quite enjoy them because as I said previously my councillor talks a lot of sense and whilst it may be hard facing up to some stuff at least I feel like I'm doing something positive. It's the other 167 hours of the week I need to work on now

synthetic

mab1,

All the feelings you're having are completely normal and will fluctuate in severeness for the next few weeks. Don't fight them. Invite them, feel them and let your logical part of the brain do the work.

Here's what's going to happen on your end:

In the next few days or weeks, there will be a moment (while you're feeling very low and possibly crying) when you realize all this weakness you're feeling has absolutely nothing to do with her. You will most likely look at your miserable face in the mirror and suddenly realize the unhealthy level of neediness you have developed over the years and the negative behaviors that result from neediness such as being abusive, controlling and possibly unfaithful.

Look at the title of your thread. Have you realized what caused you to type that title yet? I don't think you have.

mab1

journaling -
Damn, I just broke down again! Was looking for a phone number for one my groomsmen and went looking through my gmail for it. I just found loads of mails regarding our wedding and I lost it. It feels like it was yesterday and its all but gone now...

mab1

Thanks synth, I know you are trying to get me to see through the fog but I'm still well in there at the moment. I still feel the same now as when she left. Yes, it was a codependent and probably at times a dysfunctional relationship but I should have done more to fix it earlier. I don't want to blameshift it all on her, I played a significant role in this too and unfortunately that's the only bit that I can have any affect on at the moment.

mab1

MC is scheduled for Monday which may be too soon. She'll still be angry. Its really scary but I think I have to face the fear and leave it a bit longer. I did actually tell her when it was on Sunday anyway, the email demand was more to do with her diary obsession anyway. On a side note her name disappeared from the instant messenger list on Facebook last night. I nearly had a panic attack because I thought she had done it. Then I found out that it is automatically generated and calmed down. It's strange how that single thing scared me so much more than going to get legal advice, her moving out, the I don't love you conversations.
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mab1

FFS I did it again didn't I? I'm basing my decisions on her predicted response. It only took an hour it so to spot it this time!
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mab1

So I'm beginning to think the whole MC idea will just make things worse and is best avoided. One of the main reasons i suggested it is as a safe place to talk. Almost every time we've spoken since she left it starts well and then rapidly goes downhill whilst she tells me how much better life is without me. Problem is the going dark alternative seems a bit too one sided. She gets all the freedom she wanted and I worry about rebuilding my life. How can I keep communication lines open without seeming to be pursuing?
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Conrad

QUIT FOCUSING ON HER

This is about you now.

Does she know your phone number?

If she does, "communication lines" are already open.

mab1

What a morning!
Went to get legal advice earlier. Basically, they said don't worry too much about divorce yet. Cut the mortgage payments to repayment only. After selling the house, costs, fees etc we'll walk away from our marriage with about 10000 each. I guess looking on the bright side and regarding some of the storiesposted on here that's actually a great result.

Then I came home to find her car in the drive. Deep breath, stay calm.

She was really angry when I came in as I've moved all her junk, sorry personal possessions, into a small bedroom. As a result she claimed I had packed her away and was living happily in our nice house and it wasn't fair. Even though she has now realised she has to face the consequences of her actions. Actions which it nows look like meaning she could well be homeless for a month but is that my fault? I stupidly caved and offered her space for that period but she said she didn't think it would work.

The conversation basically went, me to her, "how are you?". Her to me (cue tears), "me, me, me, me, me, me, me. We are fundamentally different, so I'm done. Me, me, me, me, me, me." For every me in there please insert a cliched WAS justification statement as she basically wrote off our marriage and relationship.
She said she didn't want to go to MC and I told her I wasn't going to email anyway. She said we had to live separate lives and if that meant me moving to somewhere I actually wanted to live then I should do it (I always wanted to leave the country and she stopped me because of her family/job). Still no talk about divorce! She was playing with her now empty ring finger a lot. She is still very much in the fog. I was calm, didn't push anything. The hardest bit was that she said she knows I'm a nice guy and that she knows that she could make it all stop (she is having panic attacks and almost blacked out the other day) by coming back but doesn't want to. She has decided she has to find herself and maybe there's a possibility in the future but we can't base our lives on it. She feels really guilty but this is all about her. We never thought about our relationship enough and now she is going to work on herself. It's not being strong but she knows it's right. I said OK, do whatever you've got to do, helped her take her stuff out, we had a couple of kisses, I said give me a call because I'm not going to contact you and then she got in her car and drove off.
It's not even lunchtime yet and I'm ready to crawl back into bed!

Conrad

Pure victim

Every... single.... word