mab1

Oh my, I just had an epiphany whilst washing the car. I don't think she is a vanilla BPD, I think they should probably do studies on her! And sorry synth, conrad and everyone you're probably not going to be very impressed by all the thought I 've been giving her here
I was working through the way we met and what brought us together and saw a pattern emerging.

As a young child she had the affair trauma and all encompassing support of her family.

As a schoolkid she was seriously bullied, had a few fairly close friends, but had all encompassing family support.

When school ends, she dumps the friends and heads to uni. She is a bit of a party girl, had a few close friends but is generally unhappy.

She finishes uni, dumps her friends, and starts work as an office temp because that is the only way she can 'escape her unhappiness' but still has all encompassing family support. Hates the job and decides to go back to school to get a PhD.

Starts PhD, meets me, reinvents herself as superwife, has a few close friends and all encompassing family support. Finishes PhD with strong support from me and so that buys me a few years leaway. She dumps her friends, works in a lab she doesn't enjoy and then decides she is going to start her own lab with all encompassing support from family and me.

Surprisingly, given her history her idea fails and she starts talking about joining the army for routine or moving to singapore which I point out isn't a great idea. So, chastened, she reworks her idea with help from the head of the lab she didn't like and gets funding. She again dumps her friends but still has all encompassing support from family and me.

Before this funding starts however she has to do a intermediate job so she can keep playing superwife. Her new funding starts in July, and what she is doing now continues the same pattern, she is dumping her past ie me (the friends have already gone) to start something new with all encompassing family support.

Bear in mind this is an extremely intelligent woman, who is
having to reinvent herself every few years and is practically always rewarded for doing so. She got a PhD this way so she can carry this on for a good while. It also explains why she doesn't want kids, she can't reinvent herself if she has someone she has to look after.
Her current desire to sell the house quickly and move on immediately is a way of jettisoning her past. Anyone who impedes her ie me is an irritant who will be dealt with harshly. If I sell the house it's what she wants and she will move on. If I 180, don't sell the house and take time to think then I am stopping her process and things will get ugly.
The only difference this time around is that she has never had guilt to deal with before and divorce doesn't match with her all encompassing family thing. So, I am painted as the root of all evil in the world, and together with her enabling family she is able to ignore the whole divorce issue until I press it. At which point it is not her fault and so it is ok.

Unfortunately, I fell in love with her when she was reinventing herself and now she is doing it again I am finding her captivating. Throw in all the good memories over the years, of which there are lots, and I think I am going to be in a funk for a while.
Also if I am right is there anyway to help her? Should I run straight to the lawyers office on monday? Or am I actually just trying to impose a logical argument on an irrational situation?

Time to reread NMNG again!

synthetic

She's a high functioning disordered person.


She is never 'settled'. Always in search of 'new' and 'better', but in a destructive way when it comes to family and friends. Such people cannot distinguish between work and home life. They apply their career and education ambitions to their family life which always results in very sudden and nasty ending of relationships (with friends, boyfriends, husbands...)

She's running away from her internal fears and shame.

Did you read about my wife's educational and career past? She's been almost the same as your wife.

mab1

Sounds uncanily like what is happening to me. But, before I run to get the divorce papers how can I know it is not me trying to rationalise a super-stressful situation by blaming someone else?

The really sad thing is that I doubt that she will succeed in her new persona of super-neuroscientist because she isn't actually as smart as she thinks she is (obviously I never said that to her!)

synthetic

You should not just doubt, you can be certain this next journey is just another phase. You were just a phase to her too.

I have such a hard time accepting this very painful fact. I was just a phase to her. She will go through many more phases in her life and may not even remember much about her 11 year relationship with me. I'm having such a crappy day trying to digest this bitter reality.

mab1

Me too. I'm sort of numb from realising it. I am actually really close to going to sort the divorce out tomorrow but want to go and see my IC first. It's as if every single good thing I believed in during our marriage wasn't real it was just a symptom. So, if that's true then what is it about me that made me ignore all the warning signs?

Also, if she is BPD does a legal letter kick off all sorts of abandonment stuff? What does a 180 do to them?

synthetic

Yes, but your wife is high functioning with a huge ego. She will most likely act on her feeling of 'abandonment' irrationally. She will try to hurt and control you, then when she fails she will try to reengage you by being nice (never truly remorseful).

Go to BPDfamily.com and see how these divorces/break-ups cycle over and over until the person who is not a Borderline is broken into pieces and left with life-lasting scars.

You and I won't have it easy my man. I've already submitted to that.

Conrad

Same thing it was about most of us.

We were needy.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

mab1

I thought I was doing ok until I saw her. Now I'm back to square 1 and can't let go. I started breaking down in tears again. The insecurity and abandonment issues are back and stronger than before. I know I can't accept what she is proposing but I'm completely all over the place. Is it too soon to consider filing if I can't think straight?
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mab1

Just back from IC. Her viewpoint - 'Man up', stop letting her walk all over you, don't sell the house. If she is living in some fantasy world then let her live it but don't help her in anyway. Stop avoiding conflict, if you're not happy about something say it. I mean what's the worst that could happen she leaves, oh yeah she did that already!

Conrad

You have the right counselor.

Stay with it.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

mab1

I am so frustrated that I accepted all her nonsense on Saturday. I'm so tempted to ring and put things right! I played a victim and I'm not happy with that at all. Problem is if I'm going dark I can't express my frustration to her until she contacts me which could be who knows when.
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Set me FREE

You need to let that need go...she already knows you are hurting, frustrated and she doesn't care..just doesn't care.

Sometimes things will go unsaid and maybe it's better that way...write it out...and put it away for awhile....go back and read 6 months from now and feel silly about what you wrote.

It does get better....my stbxh is abusive, continues to be abusive in whatever way he can manage with limited access to me(e-mail...he doesn't even see me when he picks up the kids), has destroyed his business, handed the house over to the mortgage company, refuses to provide any type of support for his kids(even with a court order) and appears to be committing fraud all over the place to try to disguise the abuse(using preexisting injuries for personal injury lawsuits, refusing to file taxes, filing false police reports for marital property that he sold(he promised all the property to me in mediation and he reported it all stolen the following day...hmmmm) ....I should have a lot to say to him...but I don't...I stopped caring...he is a loser POS and not worth the energy....all I can do is find my own footing...try to find a job in this job market after being home with the kids for 10+ years, go back to school(when he isn't mucking up my financial aid), replace the car that he took away from me and destroyed, lose all of the protective layers I put on while married to him, regain my sense of humor, learn to assert my opinion again without fear, make friends, reconnect with family and just sit back and wait for karma to do it's job....the OW is already dealing with an OW of her own and we are still months away from the divorce being final...and everything he does to hurt me...only hurts him(and the OW) in the short term and long term. While he is desperately trying to avoid CS and alimony based on 250k per year...he is losing everything he built up while riding out the divorce on his GF's couch playing xbox.

Conrad

Think of it this way.

You are feeling pressure to reason things out with a person who is completely unreasonable.

Are you hoping to "convince" her of something?

How often has that worked?

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

mab1

Oh my, that sounds absolutely awful! Here I am complaining about a few below the belt jibes. My heart goes out to you and I can only imagine the strength of character you must have to cope with all you are. I hope you get everything sorted soon
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mab1

I know you're right but there is still a tiny shred of me desperately clinging onto a scrap of hope that this can be sorted out. A month ago I thought I had a good marriage. Yes there were issues, I have some problems and obviously to me now so does she!
At the moment though the part of me that is still not ready to face this just keeps repeating over and over, 'all you need is to get one of the doors she closed open a chink and reality will do the rest.'
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