mab1

Hi,

This is my first post here and this will probably be more of a stream of conciousness than a decent post so sorry in advance...

My wife and I met 7 years ago and married just under 3 years ago. We lived together before we were married and bought a house together. We had ups and downs obviously but I always had faith that we would work through things and we always did. We often talked about how much we loved each other and enjoyed a lot of the same things. We travelled a lot, loved cooking together, liked the same books, TV shows, films and generally despite the odd argument I thought that most of the time we were happy together. In fact, it was only a month ago that we spent £800 on a trip to a three michelin star restaurant and had an amazing evening.

Now, as I'm trying to be objective, I'm afraid that I wasn't always the most fun to live with as I'm now starting to see that I have self esteem issues which manifested in weight gain and drinking a bit too much. I could be very moody and negative and brought home my work problems. However, she was always there for me. She on the other hand also had some issues and has always suffered from severe mood swings and depression. Throw in the fact she has an overbearing mother and that we had become codependant there were a number of issues that we never addressed properly and that have now come home to roost.

Anyway, three months ago whilst we had been in a good patch we had decided to try for a baby. She wasn't very keen as she had never wanted kids but she said she would do it for us. She came off the long term injection method of birth control (which she had been on for 5 years solid) and I'm sure this has had a little bit of a role in our separation too due to the massive hormonal changes she is going through. Since then she has lost loads of weight (almost 20lbs), has become obsessed by her job which she is really enjoying at the moment and generally seemed to be in a great mood. However, last month her period was later than expected and she lost it. She was crying her eyes out and told me she never wanted kids and that she would have an abortion if she could but wouldn't because it was mine. Fortunately for her it turned out to be a false alarm. She then said she wanted to spend some time with her family but that I didn't have to come as she knew I had problems with them. I now realise that I responded terribly to this and basically threw it all back in her face and accused her of trying to upset me! It's horrible to even write and I feel absolutely ashamed of myself. I never realised I was capable of that sort of emotional abuse. Anyway, we barely said a word for two weeks after and then she came home from work and said,
"we have problems and I think we should separate. I love my work and I don't even want to be here (our home which we completely renovated together). You've isolated me from my friends and family. I don't know what has changed but a switch has been flicked and I don't love you anymore".
At which point I went into panic mode and retracted everything, apologised for anything I could think of but nothing worked, she was cold as ice. Then I got angry and told her to get out, threw the marriage photos out of the house and broke down in tears. Her dad rang the police as he was on the phone during all this and they escorted away.

Since that point I've got myself into counselling as this has been a complete eye opener for me. I don't like the person I have become. My dad acted similarly to my mum and I never wanted to do that but here I am repeating the same things. We've spoken once on the phone which went much better than I had hoped. I let her know that I understood why she had left and humbly accepted everything she said about me. She said she was going to get some counselling too. Then a couple of days later we bumped into each other when she was coming to collect her bike from the house. We had a brief chat about things but she said didn't know about us anymore and asked me not to contact her to give her time to think. I gave her a letter that I had written explaining why I hoped we weren't finished but have respected her wishes and not been in touch. She has since paid her half of the mortgage and also put money into the savings account. I know there is no one else involved as I have spoken to a mutual friend who she stayed with when she left. I suspect she has had an emotional affair but to be honest I can't blame her when I review my actions.

I am now sat here feeling bored, ashamed, down and alone. I don't want to be in this house either now. I miss my wife terribly and I don't know what to do. I desperately want to show her how remorseful I am about how I have acted but can't see why she would even want to talk to me anymore let alone try to work on things with me. Can anyone give me some advice? Have I completely smashed to pieces our life together?
Thanks, M.

synthetic

mab1,

Before you start judging my post, I want you to know that your life almost mirrors mine to a large degree and the feelings you're going through are very familiar and fresh in my mind. Don't ever think your case is unique and 'no one understands'. I made that mistake and am paying for it dearly.

Now, get ready, I'm about to run you over with a Mack truck:

1. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

2. Your wife most likely suffers from a personality disorder. Find out if she suffers from Bipolar (Manic depression), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, ADD or multiple ones.

3. Your codependency has completely killed your self-esteem. You cannot interpret your obsession with your wife's physical presence as "love". It's not love. It's your dependence on her. Very different.

4. Your wife left you. That's the most destructive action in your marriage. Nothing you may have done or she may have done measures up in comparison with her act of leaving. She left and didn't come back. HUGE emotional betrayal on her part and something you will have a very hard time forgiving her for in the future. Trust me, it's happened to me and I'm going through it right now.

5. You have not acted in any abnormal way. Unless you physically abused your wife, there's absolutely nothing wrong with reacting to her extreme mood disorders and lack of respect for your marriage. SHE LEFT YOU! Remember that. This is the person that promised to be with you for good. She bailed as soon as she felt comfortable with her job and somewhat dissatisfied with your marriage. A committed wife would not do that. Your wife is a selfish person.

6. Before you do anything else, read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". See a scary image of yourself in that book and start working on yourself.

7. Do not initiate contact with your wife. DO NOT. If you want your life back with or without your wife, do not contact her.

InTheBedIMade

synthetic nails it again. all I can add to this is that the self loathing passes.
get busy doing things you love and make yourself happy while she figures this out.

synthetic

Ok now that I have given you that list, there's something I want to tell you:

Your wife no longer feels she should limit her options by staying committed to you. This is a very common occurrence among career women these days and is highly prevalent in the western world. Use your imagination and connect some dots to understand where it gets its roots from (hint: culture, media).

Regardless of what you convince your wife to do, even if she comes back to you, she will no longer be trustworthy in your mind. You will be in constant fear of losing her at the next sharp-turn. You will be walking on egg-shells until the next time she decides to leave, AND SHE WILL LEAVE AGAIN. Have no doubt.

Time for you to find your balls. I'm going through this myself right now after 11 years in a relationship that as I said, mirrors yours to a large degree.

Time to man up. Your wife will have to face the consequences of her actions, otherwise, why would she even think about returning to you?

Your remorse, will get you nowhere. You didn't leave. SHE DID.

MrsOldNews

Aside from not comforting her when she was obviously upset about the pregnancy scare do you have any examples of emotional abuse??? Because although not comforting her was a really crappy thing to do, I don't think it warrants the title emotionally abusive. Where is such a strong negative word like that coming from?? You sound more like a pushover than an emotional abuser.

YinPrincess

Do you believe you were ever crazy-making or gaslighting your wife in any way? Since you said she had severe mood swings before she went off her BC, I am not thinking it's related - which was what my mind initially thought).

Gaslighting and crazy-making can definitely help the partner into their highly intense emotional reaction... I know, my husband does this to me... And furthermore, eggs me on, kicks me while I'm down and continues to insult and upset me while I'm having my crazy moments...

Just a thought. From a woman's POV it seems like she is done, for one reason or another.

I'm so sorry this is happening in your life right now... Wishing you all the best...
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mab1

Thanks for the quick reply Synthetic. I just completely fell apart when I read that. I don't know if she has any of the serious issues you mentioned and any time I've thought about it I've told myself to stop because I felt I was unfairly blaming her.

I do know that most of the time in our marriage she worked incredibly hard at our relationship (far more than me) and then it has all just stopped which is incredibly hard to take.

I'm going to find the book you mentioned and read it tonight.
M

mab1

I was often extremely cold with her as if trying to always be in control. I would often refuse to go out with her to meet friends and family for no reason. I certainly didn't congratulate her enough when she achieved great things eg she finished a 10km run and I didn't even bother going to see her at the end - She told me that was fine but that's not the point I should have been there.
Things like that....

synthetic

Don't believe that without first clearing the fog around your head.

This is something she has most likely convinced you to think. I'm almost certain it's not true. I used to think the same and felt extremely guilty. It took a lot of self-reflection and fog-clearing to finally realize that the opposite was true.

Does your wife tend to think in 'black' or 'white' terms about most things and people? Does she almost always complain about some sort of a pain in her body or headache or tiredness? Does she have trouble trusting people? Does she look and sound fake (not herself) in front of strangers? Does she treat you like a child?

How was her childhood?

synthetic

Were you cold to her because you resented her for something? Did you feel like less of a man than you actually are?

Answer these questions now and then come back in 2 weeks to see if your answers still hold true.

mab1

Does your wife tend to think in 'black' or 'white' terms about most things and people?
-Yes, 100%. I often had to turn of TV programs about politics as she would get so angry that she would just start shouting her opinions at the screen.

Does she almost always complain about some sort of a pain in her body or headache or tiredness?
-Yes, migraines.

Does she have trouble trusting people?
-Yes, constantly in fear of someone doing something to harm her or her family.

Does she look and sound fake (not herself) in front of strangers?
-No, not really. Nothing that couldn't be explained by a little self conciousness.

Does she treat you like a child?
-Yes. Often would tell me what I should do but I quite often resisted which would generally cause a big sulking session on her behalf.

How was her childhood?
-Like I said massively overbearing, sulky, moody mother. Father committed adultery when she was young and this affected her severely. Mother and Father stayed together and made her the apple of their eye. Her brother was basically ignored because of it.

mab1

Were you cold to her because you resented her for something?
I don't think so. Generally I was cold because I just couldn't adequately express my frustration with her during an argument so just bottled it up. I guess I was afraid that if I told her what I really thought then she couldn't have taken it and the relationship would have ended sooner.

Did you feel like less of a man than you actually are?
Well, I certainly didn't feel as bad as I do now! Seriously though, I definitely felt extremely guilty if I had been cold towards her and would always apologise profusely no matter what the cause of the issue.

Oh, and just to clarify there was absolutely never any physical abuse in our marriage. She once got so angry with me during an argument (I can't remember about what) that I had to ask her very calmly to put the kitchen knife in her hand down but that only happened once.

mab1

I think I definitely had my moments of crazy-making. I would get very annoyed if she went out without me (even though often I would have refused to go anyway) and then didn't get home by 10.30 ish. I had really tried hard to stop doing that over the last year or so though because I knew it wasn't fair and I felt our relationship was strong enough for me not to feel worried about her being out.

I just can't believe she could just up and walk away. I look around our house and we've built a home here. The cupboards are full of groceries, her makeup and jewelery are still on her dresser. All the wedding photos are still up on the wall. Her garden that she worked so hard at is now starting to blossom.

MmHo

Having been married to a very abusive husband with Borderline Personality Disorder what you are describing is not a woman with this condition. Her depression and mood swings could be caused by having to take birth control meds..... but probably her depression could have been caused by your treatment of her and I think there is probably more to your story than you are telling here. You say you drank a bit too much, brought home your problems from work and was moody and negative towards her.... WHY? This sort of behaviour will send anyone into a depression.
How much of this stuff did you expect your wife to take before she called it a day?

You however say that you know that your wife has been a good wife on the whole and you admit that she put more effort into the marriage than you did.

You mention a number of times the support you have chosen not to give to your wife, your dislike of her going out of the house without you. These are passive aggressive and controlling issues that you have and I can see that your wife got completely worn down by you.

She has had a troubled childhood and has probably made her a very sensitive person with low self esteem already then she has you to make her feel even worse..... and could not cope with your difficult behaviour.... because you are a difficult personality right?

Your way of showing her love by taking her out for a very expensive meal once in a while will not repair the damage to her already low self esteem. She loved you and wanted to trust you with her emotional wellbeing and you let her down a lot.

There are lots of people shout at the TV.... folk watching football, Formula One, boxing, atheletics... this is not abnormal behaviour...in many cases its a way of releasing built up tension related to something else going on in people's lives. She does not have a personality disorder because she gets irate at politics on TV!!

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you have driven her away with your controlling, passive aggressive and unsupportive behavior and you did not trust her.

It will take months of you being in therapy to realise the part you played in the break up of your marriage. I admire you for having the courage to do that but please be honest with yourself and admit that you had a big part in the break up of your marriage.

I hope you can work things out with your wife and learn that she needs love, respect and support and nothing less will do.

Good Luck

mab1

Thanks for taking the time to reply MmHo. Like I said previously, I have always tried not to blame her or a personality disorder for my actions. In fact, I agree with almost all of what you wrote. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to explain why I acted like I did and I do feel terrible about it. Believe me when I say I am under no illusions as to my role in this situation. This has been an incredibly powerful wake up call to me and is the reason why I have not tried to contact her as she asked.

I read the book which Synthetic recommended and there were definitely some very familiar themes in it. Unfortunately, it has just left me confused. My being inwardly focussed and not working on the relationship may well have killed it and I never wanted that to happen. Whilst I may be misinterpreting the book due to my emotions, it seems to be saying that I need to focus on everything in my life but my marriage and then that will fix itself (or won't if things have progressed too far). This is pretty much counter to everything that I want to do at the moment.

M