TemperToo

I am super scared that I'm going to get royally screwed in my divorce.

I used this lawyer because all the folks I talked to around here said he was THE BEST. He's arrogant, condescending, and flat out just doesn't listen to me or my concerns. But I've already paid the man, so I guess I"m stuck with him.

My ex is screaming for "equal division" of everything. Well, if that were the case, can I get an EQUAL division of our income as well???? He makes well over twice what I do. Right now he is paying for my truck because it's in his name, but that's a $400 a month payment that I just can't take over. I can't afford it. So I know I will lose the truck, which makes me VERY sad, but what can I do?

I'm very discouraged right now. It's not like this is happening too fast, we've been separated a year. But I'm losing so much, and don't see how I'm going to make all these bills work. I don't want to file for bankruptcy, but am scared to death that I will have to.

The kids don't have a lot as it is. We don't have cable, they are teens, but don't have cell phones. They don't get to to all the extra curricualr things they could when we were together as a family. And he doesn't care. He just sees dollar signs. He sees them maybe once a month, and never calls. But since he has all this extra money, he takes them to cool places that I can't afford to take them to. His girlfriend calls me a freeloader.

I understand that life isn't fair. But I've worked so hard to try and bring some kind of normalcy to my kids' lives in the past year. I finally have a decent job and our own place, and now I'm scared I"m going to lose even more than I"ve already lost.

I want the kids!

What about alimony?

TemperToo

My lawyer said, "It just doesn't happen anymore." Which to me means he doesn't want to fool with it.

I sent the lawyer a long email today with a question and a list of everything I wanted. I knew it was a little over the top, but you don't get it if you don't ask, right?

He replied to my email, answering my question. And ignored the rest of it.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

If you have a choice, don't take the house or the truck. Make sure your kids know what the new situation will be economically. Most kids can be responsible about money and do not mind getting jobs. Jobs can be fun and build self-esteem, and can pay for some extra-curriculars. Honestly, my kids just apply for scholarships and come out fine doing that. The key to surviving these days is not being tied down to a house, or a high vehicle payment. Bottom line is you need a place to sleep that is safe and cheap, a reliable affordable vehicle for you and your kids to get to jobs and education and groceries and cheap entertainment/recreation, jobs and basic food to eat plus basic utilities and a convenient/cheap place to do laundry. Once you have addressed these issues (right or wrong your lower experienced/perceived standard of living) you will feel a lot less stress.

Your lawyer is probably doing you a favor letting you experience the harsh reality of your situation present and future, so that you have more time to get used to it and adjust.

A lot of women in divorces want to avoid the embarassment of a lower standard of living. But don't let it get to you. Think like a man, a bachelor. Think cheap. You will also teach your teenagers a heck of a lot about survival in this world that they are going to need in a few years when they are adults.

I have a 21 year old and he doesn't depend on me for anything other than filing his taxes and filling out his financial aid applications and managing his health insurance waiver at his school. Other than that he is independent. I taught him a lot about how to live on the cheap, he was shopping in thrift stores and getting his school books on Half.com when he went to a country day school on scholarship where his meals and his sports were included. He learned to take the bus and ride his bike to work. He worked at a Mexican restaurant as a dishwasher and bus boy and made decent money...before that he worked dairy stock boy at a local supermarket. He spent a summer being a nanny for his younger siblings when he couldn't find work and I did in Boston and had to commute. He wasn't paid but I paid some towards his first year of college, he now takes care of that bill. He didn't get his driver's license til he was 18 due to the cost and insurance.

See this as an opportunity to really five-and-dime-proof your financial life and to save up some money and to show your kids how to survive in a tough world.

No it's not fair, but you do need to adjust to reality and to have the self-esteem that comes from knowing you are secure no matter what it might look like to others.

I and my two kids ages 12 and 8 live in a 1-bedroom apartment second floor (saves on heat), we have a garden, a fire pit and a few clotheslines and on-site laundry (my own machines.) I can walk my kids to school, so am not dependent on a car or having to buy gas for my day to day. I have a local job and some telecommute jobs. Because of lower income my son does get better financial aid in college. In summer when I'm not working so much I get food stamps and help with child care. My experienced standard of living is great. Small town, low crime, walkable, good public education, I have Veteran's health care benefits...and our town like many provides scholarships for municipal and school-based extracurricular activities, one need only ask and I also volunteer when I can but don't overextend myself.

I enjoy my life. It's not based on the amount of money, it's making the money I have work for me, and living within my means that lets me sleep safe and sound on my pull-out sofa bed and wake up refreshed and calm each morning knowing I have not created a situation where I have to stress and worry about making ends meet.

The first thing I did when I filed for divorce was to trade down my car as I had $2000 extra value according to book over the loan. My new car uses much less gas and it costs 1/2 what the other car did and gets me where I need to go reliably. I know I can afford maintenance and the tires are also 1/2 the cost when they need to be replaced.

Please try to have more faith in your children. They will have increased self-esteem from jobs and learning the ins and outs of managing and budget shopping and thrift stores and making repairs and creative solutions for around the house, learning to cook and bake from scratch, etc. They will be healthier from walking and riding bikes and know how to take public transportation and to apply for grants and scholarships and will feel worthy instead of pitied when they apply and are granted and recognized from various civic organizations.

There IS an upside to all this. It's not as though anyone would willingly do it to themselves, but given the lay of the land, it's best to try to live on about 75% of your income, no matter what your circumstances need to be to do that.

I'm not moving from my little apartment until I have 6 months expenses saved up and no debt. If we stay here until the kids are finished high school, then that's the way it is.

lamaga

I agree with everything Homemaker said, EXCEPT -- the world is full of lawyers, and times are tight these days, even for them. If you really don't trust your lawyer, go see another one, see if he can get your retainer back if you hire him/her.

keko

You're doing it wrong. If you don't like a lawyer you move onto the next one not get scared.

Next time please go consult the lawyers yourself and pick the best one you feel comfortable with.

Nsweet

If you don't feel right about your lawyer there is probably a good reason for it. A good lawyer should be very protective of your rights and assets, and respect what you have to say that helps your case. After all you're HIS employer.

Honey, don't even worry about what an @$$ you stbxh is being right now. Judges tend to agree with the parenting mother anyways, and the way he's distancing himself and not supporting his family unless it's to win brownie points with the kids, he's going to screw himself.

I can tell you from experience that you're bound to fight leading up to a divorce and shortly after, it's to be expected. Just know that every time you do fight with him or petty matters he's just going to lean on the OW for support and attack you.

If you want that to stop you're going to need to agree with him, if only to shut him up, and make amends. I would tell him something like "I've been asking for too much from you. I don't want to freeload and I know I will do fine without your support". Agree with him 100% and act happy about it. You'll take away his power over you and leave him bewildered.

It's far too obvious that he's trying to win over the kids with money but it's not going to work for very long. I mean they may enjoy the perks but it still doesn't excuse him for breaking the family and cheating.

By enabling him to call you when he pleases and take the kids on his time it goes to show you that he feels he can disrespect you and get away with it. I would have a serious talk with the kids and have them do the 180 as well.

Have them all agree that they will turn down his bribes so long as he isn't pitching in for the family and get jobs to help out. While you're at it, get him to take the kids more often.... because nothing causes stress in an affair like a teenager rejecting the AP.

You certainly can get spousal support! Although, I am under the impression it's a difficult battle in court. But with the abandonment and all I'd say you stand a good chance.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I was taken aback by my attorney at first (the one I used a few years ago when my eldest son's father wanted to drastically reduce his support) because of how tough and to the point he was. I wanted to be treated kindly. An attorney does you no favors wasting his time on things your therapist should be doing. He is there to manage your financial and legal needs, and do so in a way that will save you money but avoid making it charity care or wasting your money on unnecessary communications. (My attorney after I earned his respect by doing much of the legwork and paperwork for the case, and paying attention to details that helped us win...told me about his other clients...and how much he hated some of them...because they were whiners. Don't be one of those, the person your attorney hates to see on his caller i.d. or in his email box.)

My divorce I consulted an attorney to know how much I could be expected to receive given length of marriage, moved that out of a joint account...and then filed later after husband had a second chance he asked for (and failed and then suggested divorce which I accepted as a good idea, as he kept defaulting to that rather than having a normal conversation or therapy...) and I filed myself got a reduced fee of $40, asked for nothing...and used a pro bono lawyer for advice on how to file so I was also granted freedom from harassment. Filed in January, case management early March, divorce in April. Was able to file my own taxes too, and got earned income credit. NOT fighting for anything saved me time, energy, less hassle, lower stress and I came out on the other end more financially ahead than had I tried to win assets. I also got a hospital bill written off due to my new low-income status (the hospital misdiagnosed me and tested me for street drugs, so it's not as though it was really a fair bill anyway...my husband had something to do with me being treated for street drugs as he rolled his eyes when he left me to my own devices at the e.r. and disappeared to spend the day with his married girlfriend's brother...) Just don't think that pot of gold is the only pot you can have...think instead of several silver pots sitting elsewhere that could add up given elements of time and lower cost to achieve.

TemperToo

The kids would gladly take jobs......but they are only 14 and we live in rural GA. Riding bikes or the bus anywhere isn't an option. I work full time, and will more than likely take a weekend job once the divorce is final.

I'm not ashamed to live lower than I used to. But adjusting is hard. And harder for them. They don't deserve this. I'm still angry about the whole thing. Angry that he can just throw his family away and go skipping off into the sunset with his new girlfriend and fat income. Bitter? Yes, I guess so....

keko

Find support groups in your area for women that went through the same situation as yours. Im sure they'll have plenty of advice to give you as well to comfort you.

Married in VA

Temper,
Did you have a plan when you filed the divorce or was this something that was done on emotion? Is your STBXH open to mediation or is he just staying away? I agree with the above posters as they have some really good stories. You probably can pursue spousal support but do you really want to be dependent on someone who does not love you? When you are dependent on that, he can quit his job, lower his income etc, then the burden is on you to fight him to keep the money flowing. Spousal support (alimony) is morally equivalent to theft and so it should only be reserved for the most desperate of situations. Maybe the spousal support can be him making the truck payment or paying part of your rent/mortgage. In any event, the best revenge you will ever get is showing him you can live successfully WITHOUT his support. Your kids will know him for what he is.

EleGirl

What does your attorney say about child support?

I think your attorney is not quite right. You can ask for re-habilitative alimony. this would allow you to go to school and/or get training to get a better paying career. Until the divorce is final, your attorney can ask that your husband provide support for you (interim spousal support).

Georgia Divorce Laws - Georgia State Divorce Laws

You need to go talk to several other attornys and find one who will fight for you. It might be that the attorney you have knows that you have limited funds so there is only so much fighting that he is willing to do for you.

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


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Homemaker_Numero_Uno

You might want to consider moving to a suburban area to make it easier on yourself and your kids, also so you can plan to be less lonely and more active and already established somewhere to your liking when your kids grow up. The other thing is if you move closer to a community college it will be easier for them to access higher education and also to take advantage of more municipal activities and services. If you don't take the house then you have the flexibility to look for a different job, maybe you can even find one that's higher paying if you don't have a husband to worry about in terms of relationship time you can invest more time in your work/financial life. If you get married again, then you can make sure you look out for yourself financially. If the current location is unworkable, it's time to think about looking at different locales and determining which one is going to make single parenting easier in the long run.

At 14 kids can get jobs weeding gardens walking dogs mowing lawns trash pick up watching younger kids washing windows raking and harvesting any job that OSHA/state laws don't preclude them from. Also tutoring peers if they have a specific talent or knowledge base. I was already supporting myself by age 12 with babysitting and tutoring and a paper route. The day I was old enough to get a work permit I rode my bicycle 30 miles to the school district office to get the papers so I could work. Someone there gave me a ride back, they put my bicycle in the trunk of their car when they realized I intended to ride my bike back to the place I was lodging at, on the beach where I got my summer job. lol. I slept in a big lumpy bed that was shared with another girl...she was heavier than me and I would roll into the middle of the bed at night. I didn't know her before I took the room, that's just the way the boarding house was run, old school, working girls sleep however they are assigned. After a week we figured out how to unlock an adjoining unrented room and one of us slept in there til we were busted by the old lady who ran the place. I ate from the back of a restaurant where a guy who was sweet on me worked as a cook, Jack. He would bring out a plate of blueberry pancakes for me in the morning. :-) I burned up loads of calories on my bike.

I hope you will adjust well, I think sometimes we have some certain expectations for how life will be for us, we envision the house the increasing equity the nice vehicle that gets paid off at the end of a certain number of years, the job that is secure, the kids that grow up and get driver's licenses and then jobs and excel in after school activities that somehow happen...then they go off to college or tech school and get jobs and aren't in any kind of debt... of course the odds are really slim for any of this happening, but we envision it anyway. But in the 70's with the oil crisis we had a different vision, families slept around fire places and we took 3 minute showers once a week and people carpooled and could only buy gas every other day and had to wait in line for hours to get it. It was I guess easier because it was a shared hardship, nobody felt singled out. But when we have some kind of solitary hardship we feel so injured and take it personally, even though it's really just a part of the human landscape and it happens to a lot of people...you just don't see it. But it's there. A different sort of thinking altogether is necessary for coping and adjusting to hardship. You really have to work hard to forget expectations and go for bottom line basic survival and cut corners and think about logistics of your actual day to day, how can you make it less risky and more secure for today and tomorrow, not how we are determined to make it work out to, that might be a vision that is just that, a lost dream that you were walking towards, that turned out to be an illusion. There is just no way to make an illusion real. It's like waking up from a dream. The reality has always been there, you were just prevented from experiencing it because you felt that you were happy, and there was at the time a sufficient layer of money. But either one of you could have lost jobs or been incapacitated or been exposed to some kind of liability and poof, same exact economic circumstance only still married. If you were married happily, how would you adjust to that economic situation? You wouldn't have anyone to blame it on, the pot of money would be gone. The framing would be more tolerable. It's how you see it that changes the situation. But the situation itself is still the same! Your job now is to keep yourself solvent and to think and act for a future that is more secure than what your current, iffy, situation is. If you spend time grieving for what should have been, you will lose your opportunity window to be proactive, then you will end up scrambling. At some point, you want to give yourself a stable life, as you deserve it.

TemperToo

Homemaker, you are right. I was having a pretty severe pity party the other night, and I hate those....

I don't want to be dependent on him.....I want to support myself and the kids.

I really am blessed in more ways than one. I do have a pretty good job (I have a degree, and just got this job after almost a year of part time/minimum wage work and job hunting.) I love where I live, and it's as reasonable as anything around here is (we rent.) It's taken me pretty much a year to provide a stable household for my children, but we are finally here, and with some semblance of normalcy.

I'm scared to lose the stability that I"ve worked so hard for, but I know I have to have faith that things will work out. They have thus far. It's so hard to break that "worry wart" mentality that I've had for 32 years of my life. But I know I MUST rely on the Faith that things will be ok. I have no control over the results of my divorce, I just have to work with what life gives me.

Thank you all for your responses.