boxhead201

The problem is, the attorney says the paperwork I filed is not good. He said I will have a hard time proving my compliants which will likely turn into a costly legal battle. He said I should the discuss the complaints with her and if she does not agree with them, withdraw the petition and wait a year. After I wait a year it is easier to divorce.

SoVeryLost

Can't you just say to her, once she receives the petition, "look, these are the things the attorney came up with. Obviously we'll need to discuss them, and come up with reasonable changes the both of us can agree upon. Could you send me your changes, and if agreeable to both of us, I'll forward them onto the attorney so that the petition can be revised? I would also like for us to consult with a mediator for the changes we can't find middle ground on."

Would she be open to that?
Posted via Mobile Device

boxhead201

I had to break the silence and call the STBXW. I smoothed it over and told her about the divorce. I sent her an e-mail summarizing our conversation:

I feel better now. I have to move on with my life. I am not going to sit around waiting for her to make up her mind. I don't want to be in seperation limbo forever. Divorce is the only way to get me to move on and get over this nightmare quickly.

canguy66

Great letter. To the point.

I think that divorce will definitely be a mental hurdle to climb over, and no doubt it will be a significant event. The external events, such as agreements, papers, finances are one thing, but I'm sure you're aware that the internal struggles are important to face head on and deal with. Been there.

__________________
“The sun always rises, and you never know what the tide will bring in.” - from Cast Away

boxhead201

I am dealing with thAt hurdle now. It hurts bad. The 2% is pulling me hard.
Posted via Mobile Device

boxhead201

Hi Guys;

Today was really rough. Really bad depression all day. I went to a couseling seminar talking about Bowen theory. During the whole time I tuned out. All I head was Charlie Brown's parents talking. I went to IC tonight and lost it.

The marriage is a cancer now and I have to act quickly to kill it, or it will consume me and destroy me. Am going to continue with the divorce. Need to refile some paperwork because attorney told me it was screwed up. Been thinking all day about how to reword the petition. Think I am going to get a lawyer to help.

canguy66

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, but I think it's actually good that you're are feeling this pain... as I and others on TAM can attest to, you have to walk through hell to get the other side. Keep walkin'.

As someone who's been there, you will achieve growth both though and despite the pain. And it does get easier. Really.

You're doing a great job holding on. Keep at it!

__________________
“The sun always rises, and you never know what the tide will bring in.” - from Cast Away

bandit.45

You're going to hurt for a long time. But right now you are like a piece of soft iron beong heated up in the furnace. The fire will burn away all the impurities and slag and when you come through the other end.... You will be steel. Hard and resilient.
Posted via Mobile Device

boxhead201

Thanks guys. Getting prepared for a typhoon to hit hong kong.

Both days I have been attending a marriage therapy conference. Things to do when your marriage is in trouble. I was a computer engineer in a sea of social workers. I was the odd man out. Too bad I can't apply these techniques to my current marriage. I have to save them for future reference.

Been feeling a terrible pain deep in the pit of my stomach for the past couple of days. I think it is depression. I literally feel like I am walking thru hell now. I am impatient. How can I make the walk shorter? How can I get this horrible feeling to subside? One way IMHO is filing divorce now rather than later.

Another thing I have been trying to stop is wondering about my wife. I wonder if she is having an EA. It sounds like she is not experiencing the same pain I am. It sounds like life is wonderful wihout me. Why should I care? How can I let go of caring? How can I let go of a woman who doesn't want to be with me?
Posted via Mobile Device

canguy66

Hope it's nothing too serious and be safe.

It's going to take the time it's going to take. There is no way to fast-track this. That said, applying the strategies we've been talking about such as IC, exercise, keeping busy... this will all help you cope. The hard emotional work you're doing will eventually make you stronger, but that will take time. I like bandit's statement. I agree... after you take the time it's going to take, heal and grow, you will be surprised at how much stronger you will feel. My friend often comment at how much better I look and sound, and they look at me differently as well. I feel their respect.

Man, I felt the exact same way. It took me 3.5 months to grieve. During the next two I was getting stronger and less sad, but I still did not know how to let go. It was very frustrating at times.

I would suggest you focus on yourself. You and your kids are what matters here. Frankly, unless it had an effect on your kids, what she does with her life is none of your business now, and vice-versa. Letting go is a process. As you get stronger you'll feel more self-confidence and have more self-respect... two things which made me feel good about myself as an individual. That served to help me think more positively about MY future, and the possibilities that were opening up. In time, I became more excited about the future and started to let go of the past. The caring you're referring to is all part of the past, and you will let go eventually. In my experience, I discovered this was something I could not rush. It was frustrating, but you will have to let this happen.

By the way, are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs? In my experience, I felt I was climbing up this ladder. It was difficult, but I can tell you that the view from the top is amazing.

__________________
“The sun always rises, and you never know what the tide will bring in.” - from Cast Away

boxhead201

OMFG the depression is insane tonight. I sat in a park for 2 hours doing absolutely nothing. I can't even listen to my iPod. I feel like the walking dead. I am forcing myself to eat. I am sorry to whine. I have nobody to talk to. I am surrounded by a zillion people but I have nobody to talk to except you guys.

I looked at the hierarchy. I am sorted confused by it. Perhaps it is because I can't think now. All I see on the hierarchy is sex and excretion. I haven't had sex in years. All I do is excrete out of every oriface.

canguy66

Several of us have been there. We're here for you, but I would recommend you find someone to speak with. Have you looked for any support groups in your area? I would strongly recommend you do.

The hierarchy is Maslow's take on needs from the basic ones we need for survival (bottom) to the the more evolved levels.

Have you been out for your run today?

__________________
“The sun always rises, and you never know what the tide will bring in.” - from Cast Away

boxhead201

I will look into support groups. Any idea what sort of support group I should look for? I was thinking AA, but would prefer something more appropriate. I am thinking of a class if I come up empty handed on the support group route - like what you took (spanish).

I haven't run in a couple of days because I have been at a marriage conference. I did walk a bit yesterday and today and broke a bit of a sweat, but it was no cardio like the runs I do. There is a typhoon coming to HK now. Despite the typhoon I will go out and get exercise tomorrow. The typhoon makes things more interesting.

It appears I am barely at the "safety" level of the heirarchy and will be there for some time.

boxhead201

I just found out. She's having an EA.

Conrad

Does this surprise you?