boxhead201

Conrad - I try to talk about it and let her know my feelings. I feel like I talk to brick wall. I have the conversation over and over again only to feel like I am ignored. What I did about it was move out because she just didn't seem to care about my needs and feelings. I had to move out because I had no choice - she doesn't listen.

Conrad

And you continue to financially support her and move halfway across the world because she asks?

What has she done that you've asked for?

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

boxhead201

Thanks for the input Conrad.

I moved halfway across the world for her. She didn't ask. I just knew she needed to be close to her family. I was hoping for balance, but instead, I got completely ignored. Bad decision on my part.

>> What has she done that you've asked for?
I tried really hard to think what she has done for me. I really can't think of anything. Seriously.

Conrad

Sounds like the relationship is working great for her.

She deprioritizes your needs and - in return - you kiss her ass.

You tell her things need to change. She ignores you. Nothing happens.

You tell her again. She ignores you. Nothing happens.

You see your role in this, I'm sure.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

boxhead201

Not any more. I am done. I had to get out because I consider that abuse. A week later I am in a very painful place indeed. Terrible. Suicidal thoughts. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.

Conrad

Do you think you were trying to win her approval and "make her happy" by jumping through all those hoops?

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

boxhead201

I am unclear on the question. I was constantly calling out asking to be heard only to be ignored. I did everything she asked. I was a good husband, father. I took care of the family. She did nothing in return. All I want is to be treated as #1.

One thread that rang true on this message board was "The key to a sixty year marriage is treat your wife above all else." I did that. I treated her above all else. I want a sixty year marriage. The downside is, she does not treat me above all else. She only treats me when it is convenient for her. All I want is for my spouse to treat me as #1.

lamaga

Box, maybe you just married the wrong girl.

Here's the thing -- you are in crisis. There's plenty of time in the future for you to mull over what you might have done differently, but right now you are in survival mode. Being angry with her is fine. Blame it all on her in your mind if that helps you get through the weekend. You need to get to a more stable place before you can figure out what went wrong.

And do call that suicide hotline if you find that you start making plans. Think about your kids. You don't want them to grow up with that hanging over their heads, I know you don't.

Conrad

You put her first.

She put you last.

Despite much bluster and anger, she continued to put you last.

Yet, you did nothing about it.

She continued to enjoy the benefits of everything you provided and returned nothing - yet you continued to provide it and STILL are providing it.

Own your part in this.

You taught her it was ok to do this.

(This will be hard to swallow, but it's true)

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

52flower

You are making the choice to define your boundaries.
Whether she did not realize you had them, she now has the choice to respect you as an equal human being. You have the right to be a loving father to your children. You have a right to be treated fairly and with respect. It is a tough rode that too many of us have to deal with but be strong, you can do it. Do you let her take your dignity away. Do NOT let her win!

boxhead201

Hi Guys;

Thanks. Getting late here in HK. I had a very bad day. I appreciate the support. I do agree I own my part in this. I spoiled her - I told her as much one time. But I had to break it and move out. I cut her off as of today completely. This has been a terrible experience for me. I have been used and abused and I had to take a stand. It is very hard taking that stand.

Andy968

Hey Boxhead... First I am sorry you are struggling through this. I walked this road for 18 months, and sometimes I didn't want to wake up. Holy cow I know how you feel. Everything sucks, everything hurts, nothing makes sense, and there are no answers. I just wanted the nightmare end. I understand where you are at.

I encourage you to hang tough for your kids. They need to see you still love them and none of this is their fault. They need their dad and a relationship with you. They need to see you smile, interact, and show them you are still in the game. You can do it.

MyselfAgain touched on this, and I also feel you should look into the Nice Guy / Co-dependent issues. Suggest you read a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy. I understand you may not be able to pick up a book right now, but you stated your childhood family was dysfunctional. Mine was as well and childhood family dysfunction negatively affects men and how they approach their families. I feel at some point a perspective on this issue may help you. It revealed how it caused me to negatively influence my marriage. This does not take away from your spouse' issues, but you can't control your wife. All you can do is control what you are doing, so you can move on in a positive manner. I am wishing you well.

Conrad

Here is a list of Codependency symptoms on weak boundaries:



Weak Boundaries

Codependents frequently:
1. Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
2. Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.
3. Let others hurt them.
4. Keep letting others hurt them.
5. Wonder why they hurt so badly.
6. Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
7. Finally get angry.
8. Become totally intolerant.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

boxhead201

Thanks Guys (I am crying now).

lamaga

*hugs*

Go to bed, honey. Tomorrow will look better. Not good, but better.