So I went away this weekend to Boston to see my family and throw a surprise b-day party for her 95th. My grandmother loved it, but she was very close to my STBX and she cried on Saturday because she wasn't' there or didn't send her a card. She mentioned her quite a bit over the weekend. It was a very hard time for me as well. I was trying to be strong for my grandmother but it was not something that I could do on a consistent bases at all. We went up there around 4 times and always enjoyed the family and they all loved her as well.
So everyone knew about my cancer surgery, loss of job and pending divorce. So it wasn't something that I could just try and forget for the weekend. Everyone gave me the hug and the I'm sorry to hear about everything that's been going on.
I tell you what everyone, I have been in so much pain this weekend that I thought I was going to go insane from time to time. The pain is so so great and I miss her so damn much! I haven't contacted her since last monday letting her know how much her share of the divorce will be. Last thing she said was I'm sorry you are so angry with me.
Anyway her Mom txted me on Saturday and asked what I was doing. Then when I didn't respond to her she sent another txt letting me know that even though I don't know it right now that I have a special place in her heart. She said for me to kiss my pups and that she missed them. I didn't respond and I'm not taking anything from it. I just have been trying to go NC with everyone from her family and her. I'm just pretty upset about the whole thing and the NC is for me to move on right??? That's what I'm looking for, I want to lose the hope, I think I have actually and know that's its just flat over with. She has skated out of the thing with money and half my **** and a new life.
I need the anger stage!! How long did that take you all to get there? What's the deal with her mom txting me??
Hey bud, don't go and get angry it doesn't help. That emotion will keep you thinking of her, which is not what you need. Moving on is what will allow you to focus on you and to better yourself! As far as the texting, the no contact is working for ya! Your ex is wondering what the hell your doing but is to chicken to be the one to contact you! Just keep moving forward sinatra, the nc has her confused, good job!
__________________
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
I sent her email to today asking for the ring back. I know this is breaking the NC rule. The reason for this is that I still owe my dad 5000 for the ring. He's unemployed at this time and I really feel that he could use the money. I'm now not in a position to pay him back.
It was just a simple email asking the question and my reasoning. I did break the rule, but I feel if I'm ever going to get that back now would be the time. Just kept it very business like and I'm not expecting to hear anything.
This was strictly to see if she's up to it. I don't plan on contacting her again and if she doesn't respond that's fine too.
I'm such a great deal of pain at this point, I don't really care either way. I just have to move on, but I feel like I'm stuck in the past and can't stop thinking about all the good times we had. There really were not that many bad times over all just no sex life and that's what did it and pushed outside of the marriage.
Sorry ranting, just very very hurt right now and painful.
Thanks sirch anything other words of encourage would be great! I'm having another very bad day today and having a hard time focusing at work.
You are doing the right thing but moving on and pursuing your life with or without your wife! I went through the depression thing-no fun.
She's having doubts. However, in the back of her mind, she is wondering if your change is a temporary thing. Only time will change her mind.
In the meantime, be happy and not too needy. No over texting or calling all of the time. Make her miss you. Make a date, in the future, to take the dogs to the park. Don't talk about the marriage, just have fun!!!
I have been trying to move the focus over to me and look towards the future not the past. I'm still very raw with the emotions and trying to work through them.
I have an update and would like some input. I emailed my wife yesterday and asked for the ring back since I still owed my father some money for it and he's unemployed at the moment. She emailed me back and started the email of with Hey Babe. It's just so strange to me that she is still calling me babe. Anyway, she said that she would not give the ring back because it holds too much sentimental value to her and that I gave it to her. She wasn't rude about it all or anything. She also said that it's bad enough that she had to give up me, our house, our life, our puppies and everything else because of the pain she's been through. She said that it's not like me to ask for something like that and that she doesn't see why she would have to give up something so sacred that I gave to her for him.
I then talked with my grandmother and her mother called my grandmother earlier in the day and was crying and saying how she will always love me until the day she dies. She also made a comment saying "I don't know about my daughter right now" I'm guessing she's feeling guilty or doesn't really know why she is doing everything she's doing. Well my STBX called my grandmother later in the same day and was asking a bunch of questions about me like, has he been cooking, his he eating well, did he come to the party this weekend. She broke down while talking with my grandmother and told her that she never wants my grandmother to leave her and that she loves her so much. My grandmother didn't really get into anything with her but was telling her that it's a shame that things are like this right now. STBX was also saying that she hasn't really been working on her new place and that she was really tired from working so much and saying that it was hard.
I'm not sure how to take all of this and I haven't responded to her email. I've wanted to keep NC through all this and maybe things are starting to set in a little with her and her family. Or maybe it's just the guilt seeping through and they are starting to feel bad for things. I do not want to have any false hope from any of this at this point. My thoughts are to not respond and just try to move forward with the divorce. In the back of my head I don't want to let it go if she is feeling any doubts about what she's doing though.
I'd love some advice from anyone on what their thoughts are on what I should do. Stay NC with them after she sent the email? It does seem like a open ended email and not really just slamming the door, I'm confused.
"I just feel that you have so much hatred towards me. I know you haven't said anything to me to merit that, but I just feel it. I know you are hurting, and I am too. I keep thinking that not talking is best, but there are so many times that I want to pick the phone and talk to you. I just don't want to upset you. I hope you are ok and wanted to tell you that I love you."
I'm not going to respond to it, because I believe actions speak louder than words and I feel this is her guilt eating her up.
What are ya'lls thoughts on it? I know it's not a big deal but I wasn't expecting to get anything from her. This isn't stopping me from moving forward with my life, but curious on other people's opinion on it.
She is confused sinatra, plain and simple. Now here is my question to you, What do you want? Do you still want your marriage? If not then do not reply, if you do want your marriage then respond. If you do respond keep it short and to the point. Answer her with honesty, and if you do love her let her know.
__________________
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
I received an email from my W. It was a very long email stating that she has been miserable without me and she would like to try and work things out.
She explained how she was shutting me out because she wasn't emotionally ready to hear any of my requests or could see that I was making true changes. As you all know this is completely unexpected. I haven't talked with her in detail because I let her know that Ive been through an emotional roller coaster and need a few days to process these new developments. We're planning to meet Monday night to discuss things. I did talk with her a little on the phone last night and let her know that I appreciated her pouring out her heart and was brave enough to express herself. I told her that i believe we can get through this but it will have to be a slow process because of some of the pain we have both been through. She stated in her email that my silence was deafening and that when I let her know that I contacted an attorney she thought that I was done. She began to realize that I might have moved on and there wasn't going to be a chance to see if I had made true significant changes. The NC worked for sure and I just couldn't believe the 180 that happened so fast. In a matter of 3 weeks it flipped!
I can't thank all of you on this board enough. There have been times when I have been unable to make it through a day never mind hours or minutes. I found myself pouring over other posters post's to at least feel as if I wasn't the only one going through this pain.
I know that it's not a definite thing that we are going to make it, but from what the email said and what she is saying now I truly feel that we are on the way to the best marriage we could have!
Also, my test results came back from my oncologist and my kidney levels are a little off but he thinks everything is ok. I'm going back in 6 months for a check up.
Good to see you here Sinatra.
Man the 180 works doesn't it.
Stay the course, keep strong, and remember this is about YOU. You are in control of your ship, you steer the course.
You and your wife are in my prayers. Remember no matter what, you will succeed in the end.
I'm utterly devastated right now. After her sending the email saying that she wants to try and give it a chance and the txting's and the phone calls she and I were very excited to try and make things work it seemed. Then she came over and we talked for a little while and soon I realized that she still had a lot of anger and resentment towards me. She hadn't dealt with any of those emotions and when she saw me she wanted to talk about all the past hurt and pain that she dealt with. I thought that she was in a different place at this point. Everyone I'm so so hurt and utterly in shock. I was moving on and I felt good about moving on from this point. Then she sucked me back into it and then told me that she just thinks we are on different pages at this point.
She doesn't think that we will ever be on the same page. She said that I had already processed things and was in a different place and that she realized that she hasn't and may never be able to forgive me. Why did she come back into my life like that and give me that hope? I'm just utterly floored and I'm sitting at home because I couldn't bring myself to go to work. I was doing so well and then she slammed me down to rock bottom again. I'm hurting so bad and I just don't want to feel this way anymore.
I broke down for the first time in front of her when I realized that she didn't want to try and work on things. I just felt betrayed all over again. She said that she made a mistake by reaching out to me like she did. That just broke my heart. When she started to talk about all the hurt and resentment that she still had for me I became worried that she wasn't where I thought she had claimed to be.
It just seems like she's totally confused and lost and is not in a good frame of mind, but it's just unhealthy for me to talk to her now. I know that we will not see each other again or talk to each other again after last night. She did deny being with anyone numerous times and got upset when I kept asking her that. I just didn't think that we were going to be talking about everything like the day that she left.
Everyone I'm so lost and in so so much pain that I can't take this pain. This is so much harder than the first time she walked out. I got my hopes up so so much and then she crushed them. I was trying to talk to her about being able to forgive me and then we could move on. I just thought that's where she was and when she realized that she wasn't there and hadn't forgiven me she said that she had a weak moment and sent me the email and called my grandmother crying and saying how much she missed me.
Will someone respond this one. It's killing me more and more each day. I'm sitting at work trying to focus. I realize that someone that is so selfish at this point and really hasn't had one concern for my feelings or well being is someone that I probably shouldn't be around. Its just hard to get that love for this person out of my head.
This morning I woke up and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried my eyes out. I'm trying to figure out why the hell it's hitting me so hard this time around. I think it's because I feel like I had a chance and I blew it by not letting her in when she was asking to come back in the day she reached out and it gave her time to put her wall back up. I feel like I lost a chance to mend it all. cat I told her not to tell me that she loves me unless she can show me and she said she won't tell me anymore. I feel like I shouldn't have said that now. I was hurt and lashing out I guess.
When I went forward with talking to an attorney and just made the decision to accept and move on is when I started to feel better. I don't have that desire at this point because of the hope that was brought back into the equation. Then I had the most hope that I've ever had and I was the happiest that I ever was when she came begging back and I was so wanting it to work. When she showed up and had doubts right off the bat, probably being in the house to soon scared her. It crushed me all over again and brought me back down into the depression.
To be completely honest one of my fears is being brought down into the depression again. I know I shouldn't let one person have that much power or control over me but it's the fact that my marriage was hanging on a thread and I did everything right to get a response from her and then I screwed it up because I moved too fast and scared her off. Was it my fault that I scared her off? Was it just because she really didn't want it to work and she was just having a very hard day and reached out to me and then realized that she really didn't want it when she saw me and we started to talk about it?
I hear everyone when they say it will be ok. I know that it will be ok, but how does one make a decision not to feel pain. I understand what everyone is saying but I just don't know how you wake up and stop yourself from not feeling the rush of pain that follows to know your marriage is over with?
I feel your pain. I haven't read your story but I know you've been working at it a while and thought it was over, then the hope crept back in for you. I believe it is still there but you can't push it with her and I know you know that. You are strong, you can overcome this. Keep moving ahead to make yourself happy whatever that will be or is. I'm no expert, but I'm beginning to really come to grips with the fact that if I am happy -- no matter what -- that will flow to those around us.
Re: Separated for a month and still in limbo land
