Look Sinatra start taking control of your own destiny. If she doesn't want to be with you then fine (i know it hurts but only for a short time) let her grow old alone. Go see your attorney and move forward. Again find yourself some professional help like a counselor to see you through this process. Stop living in limbo, it serves no purpose other than misery. Trust me I know, been living there for six months. I too had hopes of reconciling and repairing my marriage, sadly one person cannot mend a marriage it takes two.
I think I'm just driving myself nuts just sitting her in limbo for sure. It's like I'm in complete denial at this point and just can't bring myself to file.
I'm at a place now that I know I will be ok once I get past the pain. I have a ton to offer someone and I know I will find some sooner rather than later. I guess my limit has been reached and there's not much more of the possible limbo that I can take. I mean really she has given me no sign whatsoever to think that she may have feelings for me anymore. It's just obvious that I'm not moving on and letting go myself.
I've been browsing your post and figured I should add my 2 cents. I'm in a veeerrry similar situation as yours - separated for the second time in the past year. 4 months now in limbo since March 09 - wife not knowing what she wants and she's been having an emotional affair with another man for over a year. Similar in the neglect aspects as well. To be honest in looking at the thread here, I would be highly suspicious that there is another man in her life - not sure but just sayin.....
I've done the following to deal with this crap - filled up my schedule almost every night by getting out - improv classes, running clinics, spanish class. Made tons of changes to better myself, educated myself many ways on better "relationship skills", read through forums, read books. My 2 outcomes are:
1) She files for divorce. I am never giving up and filing on my end - I want to walk away if it comes to that knowing that I tried everything to try to save the marriage and not having regrets. This means living in limbo in terms of the relationship but I've learned to accept that for now -it sucks but that's the decision I'm going with.
2) With time, patience, forgiveness, and a lot of other stuff she decides to re-commit to the marriage.
Fortunately outcome #2 is slowly becoming more of a reality for me but it's surely been a roller coaster ride with many twists and turns and times where I thought it was all over. Lately she has been calling me, we've been meeting up, going on "Dates" and she has sometimes been staying overnight with me.
things that have helped in my sitch:
-try to be her best friend if at all possible
-don't talk about the relationship as it puts pressure on and pushes her away
-any interactions with her try to appear positive, confident and have a sense of humor. It's hard but the reality is that she's not going to be attracted to someone who is sad, depressed, whiney, etc.
I feel for you there and I know it's tough but in my case I'm a believer of "it ain't over til it's over."
So let me see if I can keep this update relatively short, but the hope is now completely gone and out of my situation. I've been trying to get my house refinanced this month and it's taken a few weeks. Anyway yesterday the mortgage company called and said that everything is going through, BUT they need one more thing for the file to be completely processed. You guessed it they need a copy of my wife's credit to be on file since it's the state of Texas and it's community property.
So I emailed her yesterday and kept it very business like and asked her if she would contact the mortgage company to give them permission to run her credit. I was as nice as I could be and just said that I appreciate her doing that. So she emailed me back today and said that she's doing ok and that she's stressed and things are very hectic. She said that she's confused as to why I'm doing this before we've discussed our situation with an attorney. She said that she knows in the state of Texas anything to do with the house is split 50/50. So that concerned me right off the bat. She said that she wants to keep it fair and that she understood why I'm trying to refinace. Then she goes into how broke she is and barely making ends meat. She asked if I had contacted an attorney and if I was being advised by him, she would have contacted one but she can't afford it. She tells me that she needs to come and get the rest of her stuff and goes on listing everything that she needs to come and pickup. Tells me again that she's running herself ragged and is completely stressed. She says that she's going through this transition with me and her work and that she's very stressed with it all. She then asks if she can have more money. She reiterates that she just hopes that I understand and that I will be fair. Then at the end of the email she says that the last time she saw me that I looked amazing!
I called her so we can just hash this stuff out. I had to explain to her that I was refi'ing the house so that I can keep the house with lower payments and not too sell it. I asked her if she was wanting half of the house and she gave me some answer like not really I just knew what the law is and wasn't sure if a lawyer told you to do that. I said that there is no equity in the home and there's nothing to get and that I haven't contacted an attorney because I can't afford to at this time. She then tells me the estimated value that's on zillow which she wouldn't have known to look there unless someone advised her to go there (architect boyfriend is what I'm thinking, could be wrong). I just let her know that I hope things will go as smoothly as possible. I was being very nice and trying to play it as cool as I could. She then went into talking about her job and the other possible wine bar that she's going to work at but can't because her friend the owner can't pay her right now. We talked for 30 or so minutes about her work and my work and stuff and really it was her doing most of talking about herself and her not really caring about what is going on with me. The biggest thing that I noticed was the lack of emotion that she had for me while she was on the phone. I explained to her that I'm not in the financial position that she thinks that I am and that I really couldn't give her the money she was looking for. I asked her how much she was looking for and she said 2000$!! I said I just can't do that and she said well you don't have to pay me all at once. I reminded her that I gave her 3500 already and let her take half of everything in the house and didn't mention anything about how I cleaned up her credit and payed her student loan off of 3200 a month before she left.
So we ended the conversation by making arraignments for her to come and pick up the rest of her stuff on Monday. I then said ok so I guess I'm going to look into the divorce and see what we can do on our own? She said yes and didn't waiver. I didn't press anything with her but she didn't make me ever think that she was interested in anything different. I said ok and then we let each other go. I called her back just to let her know that I could meet her at the house on Monday because I have a doc appointment. She then questioned that I didn't trust her and got upset. I let her know that I trusted her but I was just wondering what she really wanted to get and that I could be there. She said just to leave the key to the gate and leave the stuff on the porch. I said that works and that have a good day.
I'm sorry if I'm all over the place. It's just a lot to process and get out in writing. I'm now ending this and filing as soon as possible. Going to either go the attorney route or the online route. I was really trying to do the NC and move on with my life, but that just wasn't possible with the refi situation. She's had every opportunity to turn this around and get out of the bad spot that she's put herself in.
She also apparently talked with my step sister in May and told her that she just doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. I would have liked to know that last month!
Sucks that it looks like this chapter of my life is quickly coming to a close. It was already there but I had that hope in the back of my head. I would have left it alone for a while but I didn't have much of a choice if I wanted to keep my house and lower my payment. Didn't force this on her or try and push her to make a decision, simply trying to keep my home.
I of course welcome all the support that you all provide because it's here and I will be filing next week.
i think this: it ain't over til its over. whatever she told your stepsister is just that. if she's not telling you that, there's a reason. keep doing the right things now. and maintain hope. tell her you still have hope. tell her why you have hope. maybe she'll begin to show emotion towards you. good luck man.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
I wish I could agree, but it's over. It has the possibility of getting nasty very quickly. She is struggling to pay her bills and sees me a way to get what she wants from my house. I would love to stay hopeful but it's time to move forward and protect myself at this point.
This is exactly why it becomes so important to focus upon yourself, what you want, what you need, what you will tolerate.
Her wanting more money doesn't have to mean that things get ugly - but you will be better served if you are prepared for that possibility.
I strongly urge you to go talk to an attorney. Not necessarily be in a rush to file, but get information. Any attorney worth their salt is going to give you a free consultation, and be a font of information - because they want to earn your business. You can find out what you are and aren't responsible for - and what the status of the house will be.
Recognize as well, that it is entirely possible that neither of you can afford to get divorced using attornies. Mediation is significantly, and exponentially cheaper. I think you are aware that this is the route that my ex and I have taken. If you each want to maintain a modicum of dignity and respect for one another, you have far more control and flexibility over what happens.
The mixed messages are likely to continue - ours did. It's difficult and it hurts. It appears that she hasn't really thought things out on her end either - but what is apparent, is that despite the hardships she now faces, she has not asked you to consider reconciling. Leave out the inuendo, comments to other people, and mixed messages. She has not said, or hinted at, "I miss you and I want to come home."
As it stands right now, you aren't obligated to give her anything. I can understand not wanting to see your spouse come to any harm, but based upon the path you are on, and the choices she has made - it is certainly not up to you to solve her problems. You are trying to solve your own, and that is plenty enough to be worried about.
Not that this is too much of a suprise but it was confirmed that my wife has herself a boyfriend for a while now. Not that i'm shocked by this it's still pretty hard to hear when she's been manipulating me to get money. I'm preparing for a fight with my house as well. This woman has never contributed a thing to paying bills for 2 years even though i was happy to do it she leaves me when I need her the most. Whatever beating a dead horse.
Talked with an attorney and I'm meeting with him on Monday. My problem is I have to communicate to her that the best and cheapest route for us both is to agree to go our seperate ways with what we currently have and then file. Any suggestions on how to best approach this? I was going to email her and try to help her come to her senses on the divorce. My next option is to just got straight to the attorney and have him draw the papers up and have her served. I just think that will be expensive if she doesn't agree with things and refuses to sign the papers. That could be an expensive issue for sure.
What does everyone one think. I have confirmed she has a boyfriend while still being married but it Texas so doesn't matter I'm sure.
Let me know what you all think is the best approach at this point.
My wife emailed last night and is calling the mortgage company so that I may process my refi. She also said that she has thought more about it and she wants to continue with the divorce. She doesn't have any idea that I know about her boyfriend. I'm not letting her know that I know until the divorce is final. I'm going today to give the money to my attorney and having him file this week. There's a 60 day waiting period so in about 60-70 days I will be divorced.
It's bitter sweet at this point because I still love the woman even though I know her true colors and she's been lying to me this entire time about what her intentions are. This whole experience has been one that will stay with me for a very very long time and I don't think I will ever forget the pain even though I know it will get easier. She told me in the email that she loves me and always will, still playing on my emotions which angers and hurts me at the same time.
I get the house and she is coming today to pick up the rest of her stuff that I put out on the back porch. We are going to sell our scooters and split the money. All the memories of the past 5 years are stuck in my head and hard to let go of. Trying to look towards the future and what it has to offer.
You are going to get through this. The most difficult of lessons are often the ones we learn the most from.
I learned plenty ...
It's ok for you to hurt. It's ok for you to love her. It's ok for you to forgive her. It's ok for you to be mad as hell at her.
There is no timeline for any of those emotions to change, other than trusting that time itself, will change them. It does. Trust me.
things that have helped in my sitch:
-try to be her best friend if at all possible
-don't talk about the relationship as it puts pressure on and pushes her away
-any interactions with her try to appear positive, confident and have a sense of humor. It's hard but the reality is that she's not going to be attracted to someone who is sad, depressed, whiney, etc.
i've had 3 seperate counselors say the same things. i've implemented all the above. nothing could be more true. great post!
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Just a quick update. Things have been great for me once I made the decision to truly let go and move on with my life. I have a couple of dates lined up already and should be filing next week for the divorce. The wife and I are just emailing to finalizing division of some of our stuff. She has decided to just go without any additional fight for the house or anymore money.
We've actually had some humor in our emails back and forth. I don't think she knows that I know about her boyfriend but I don't really care. I'm done with it and having some fun on my own now. Went to the Kid Rock show last night with some friends and that was pretty cool. I'm not trying to say that there isn't anymore hurt or some pain, but it's so much more bearable and I'm not living in the past like I was. The mornings are still a little difficult but they pass quickly.
I have a few attractive cool women that I'm talking with. Taking it all slow but a little company is what I need at this point.
Wanted to thank everyone again for being there and reading all of my long posts. I'm going to hang around and hope to help others and proabably have some more updates as the divorce get's closer.
To all having a hard time, please please hang on for yourself and yourself alone. YOU REALLY CAN'T FIGHT TO CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE!! You have to be able to let that person go and find a life for yourself. The sooner you make that decision the better you're going to be whatever happens. Please take that to heart I can't stress that enough. We all have (or at least I have) wasted months and months of our lives waiting on someone else to want to come back all of a sudden. 95% of the time it doesn't happen.
Re: Separated for a month and still in limbo land
