Hey everyone, I'm new to the forum at least posting wise. I've read a lot of different posts on this topic. They are either one way or the other. A brief history on my situation.
Long story short version i hope. Basically my wife made a decision to move out because I've been in a deep seeded depression for the two years that we have been married. I lost my mother to cancer about a year before we meet. When we first meet we were in the crazy love stage for sure. We moved in together 6 months later. We got engaged and married within 9 months of us living together. After our honey moon I was offered a new job in the same industry and it was a much higher paying job. Well I didn't know the amount of stress that it would put me under. Soon i was thinking about work all the time and became pretty depressed. Our home life suffered and our sex life really never got to the next level of intimacy. We pretty much stopped having sex for about 7 months. Way too long!! She was telling me that something had to change but I just didn't think that meant I'm leaving. We fought a little but not that much. We have been best friends the entire time we've known each other. Which has been 4 years now. I was diagnosed with kidney cancer last year and that was a scare and i knew my job wasn't going to last through the end of the year. I had surgery to remove and the cancer was removed with success. Two days after I returned from that i was let go from my high paying job. I was the only source of income. i went deeper into depression at that time when I couldn't find a job right away.
After the years of neglect emotionally and physically she said she was moving out. She signed a year lease and moved out a month ago. Please don't get me wrong she is a great person and one of the most genuine loving people that I've ever known. I do know that I'm in the wrong here. I've expressed that to her in a mature way and not tried to beg her or bother her at all. We are still communicating through txt'ing mostly and have seen each other twice. the first time was very weird but the second time was casual and we had fun laughing and just shooting the bull. She hasn't told me at all what she wants. Just that she needs some time to figure out what she wants to do. There hasn't been a mention of divorce at this time just when we argued when she was leaving she said she did. After she left and the dust settled she hasn't mentioned it since. I've expressed how I'm very sorry for the way things have been for her over our marriage. I let her know that I love her and would like things to workout. I've also said that I hope in time that the positive changes that I'm making for myself will allow her to feel more comfortable with the thought of continuing the marriage.
I know there are a lot of pieces left out at this time, but I hope I can fill them in for you all as we go through this. We don't have kids just two great dogs. She has come over a couple of times and spent time with the dogs while I was at work. She also still tells me she loves me and is still calling me baby in the txt and emails.
I guess I'm just curious with how people would handle this situation. I have been giving her the space that she needs and it seems to be the best thing for the both of us at this time. It's very painful and there are times when i just break down. She has taken some more of her clothes and few chairs for her place. She has made a little home for herself and I'm happy that she isn't feeling the pressures of my depression.
I actually found a job with my company before the last one the day after she moved out. I'm doing really well with it. Her moving out really snapped me out of the funk at least enough to make a difference and try and make myself better. It's really helped me get out of the depression and I've been seeing a therapist and reading about every book there is on depression. Feeling Good is probably the most insightful book that I've read about depression and how to handle all the negative self talk.
I'm being patient with her and allowing her to hopefully heal a little from the physical and emotional neglect. I know this is the one of the number one things that a women doesn't like to feel is rejection. She made comments that she can't be the one to make me happy at this time and I have to do that for myself. The really hard thing that I would love for to be able see all the positive changes that I've made. I've rekindled old friendships and have been exercising again as well.
Sorry for the long story but I kept writing and dumping things out.
Please let me know if you need more info on certain topics to better understand our situation. Thanks for all the comments ahead of time.
I'm very hopeful but I'm expecting the worse and hoping for the best at this time. Just don't want to set myself up for a prolonged hurt when she maybe has made her mind up already. Looking for any woman out there to give some advice on whether you would continue to say I love you and calling him baby if you were done with the marriage.
I am very open to all the advice from everyone on here. There is a lot of great advice on here and I appreciate it.
I'm not sure I have much advice, but I can offer words of encouragement. You have done a wonderful job of pulling yourself together and working to improve things. My estranged husband moved out of our house a year ago. He had no desire then and has no desire now to work on our relationship. I guess we are technically in limbo since neither of us have filed for divorce. It is an awkward land to live in!
The only advice I can offer at this point is to read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Once you learn your wife's love language, perhaps you can implement some of those techniques. Once she feels the love again, maybe she will give you a second chance. Gary Chapman has another book titled "Hope for the Separated" that I have found to be helpful. It has a heavy religious overtone, so I realize it may not be for everyone.
Hello sinatra, I want to say good job too! I now exactly what you are going through and feeling but I can assure you things will get better. I have been separated for three months now, my wife has said the same things yours has. Like you, last year I was depressed as well, being self-employed in the housing industry with no work. She started having an EA, became distant and our marriage suffered greatly. First two months I was a walking mess, but soon woke up, bettered myself and started moving on with my life. When you make changes in yourself, your wife WILL see them. She just won't tell you, frustrating I know. Here's the good part, she will come around, sooner or later it does happen. Just last weekend my told me she does still love me for the first time in six months! My advice to you, come here and vent when you are sad, angry, happy or confused, it does help. See a marriage counselor as often as you can afford to do so, you need to be accountable to someone for the changes you need to make. Give her space and time, it didn't happen overnight and it will take time to repair. Start going out, doing things you like, once she sees you are happy and moving on with your life it will drive her nuts! But in a good way, because then she will remember the person she fell in love with and want to be with you more. Only the will she start reaching out to you. Best of luck my friend.
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"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
I am in your wife's position now. We are planning on going to counseling and depending on what that does for our relationship will decide whether I move out or not. I do not want to jump into a divorce; if we can separate and I am fine living without him in my life then I will know it is over.
My husband has physically and emotionally neglected me as well, I do not think it was intentional, I really don’t even know how it happened (I’m hoping the counseling will bring that to the surface). I begged him for the last couple of years to please help me turn this around, before it’s too late and he didn’t (I’m not sure why he didn’t, I know he loves me and I am positive there is not another woman) I just cannot be in a relationship by myself, we have just become friends and I am falling out of love. But I do love him very much, and he is my best friend in the world, if we do split no doubt I will still want to be friends for the rest of our lives.
I’m not sure what the future holds for us I’m not very hopeful to be honest, once you fall out of love how do you fall back in it?? But maybe the counseling will hold that answer. I am feeling like I’ve not had that “thing” for him in a long time, it is very sad to me and I am lonely and I just feel like now it’s gone and maybe I don’t want it back, maybe it’s just time for me to move on, b/c I don’t want to live the rest of my life married to a roommate, I need more than that to be fulfilled.
I sounds like your wife still loves you and possibly absence makes the heart grow fonder and things will work out. This is really hard and I feel for you.
Gizmo
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Gizmo. I do believe that you can fall back into love once you fall out of it. It does take work and also really just starting over. I think you are in a pretty good spot to possibly get back the marriage that you want. It might take a separation to do that. My advice for you is to not think of a separation as the end. Talk with him and explain your intentions. You're not looking for a divorce at this time, but things have to change for the positive and you need to be loved again like a wife. If he truly loves you he will see the error of his ways and hopefully make a true effort to change. I think once he knows that you are serious and could leave him for good he will wake up and make some changes.
Take this time and chance as a blessing to get that person back that you feel in love with. He is the one that has to make the decision to change though, not you.
I do hope that my wife will allow me back into her heart. I've been so neglectful and her roommate for a long time. I have woken up and would love to show her the new me. I know she isn't ready for that and may never be. I also want to have sex with her very badly now that I have gotten out of my depression. It's very bad place to be and very hard to deal with. I love her very much but have to be as patient as I can be.
Stay strong and make this the start of your new marriage if he decides to make the right changes on his own.
So yesterday was of course a hard day. A little recap of the weekend. I sent her flowers on Friday and that seemed to be a good move. She txted and said that it was very sweet and unexpected and that she loved them. I then txted her late on Saturday night and let her know that I knew that she was working very hard and that I wished her sweetdreams and for her to sleep well. She txted that she was about to txt me as well. She said that she got home from a rough day and saw the flowers and made her smile. I let her know that she was welcome and that I kissed the dogs for her and that I loved her. She txted that she loved me as well. I called her on Sunday to wish her a happy easter and she was working. She called me later in the day when she got off work. I told her that it was really great to hear her voice. She told me that she wanted to call me last night but that I said goodnight and she thought that I was going to sleep and was tired. We talked for a little a while and I said that I missed her but she didn't reciprocate the comment. I then let her know that I wanted to see her and she said that she didn't know her schedule and wasn't sure when she could see me. That made me a little upset but I didn't let her notice that I was upset at the time. We talked a little bit more and I told her that I would let her go and that I loved her and she did say that she loved me as well.
I'm just frustrated to be in this state of not knowing what the hell is going to happen. I think she is feeling guilty and not wanting to let me know. On the other hand by her saying that she wanted to call me on Saturday I figured that she wouldn't have told me that if she was leaning towards divorcing me. Also calling me back after she saw that I tried to call her. All those things do give me signs of hope. I think again it seems as if she isn't ready to discuss anything or that she hasn't really healed from the years of neglect at this point. Do you all think that I'm being impatient in expecting something after 6 weeks of this? I'm just getting very frustrated and I do want to be patient with her and let her open up to me in her own time but it's just the hardest thing to do and it seems to be affecting my progress on working on myself.
I'm looking for anyone's opinion on the behavior I guess at this point.
Be patient with her, she doesn't know whats going to happen either! Her behavior is normal, she is confused, sad, angry, etc. I can tell you to limit the amount of contact, I mean do not call, email, or text everyday. It's a sign of desperation and she doesn't need that, she needs a man that is strong and confident. It's hard I know but work on you, don't contact her for a few days, she will begin to wonder and reach out to ya. When she asks what you've been up to tell her you have been working on yourself. Start working out, lifting weights is a great place to vent frustrations! Read my previous posts, I have been where you are and things can get better.
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"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
Thanks Sirch, I really appreciate that support. I do agree she doesn't know what's going to happen. I like the fact that she appreciated the flowers and she let me know a few times about that. Also that she wanted to call me the other night, good sign. I just start to slip into the dark places when I don't think she is opening up fast enough I guess. I'm planning on calling her on Wednesday which gives it 3 days of NC. I do want her to know that I'm willing to court her again and take it slow.
It's one of those things that truly truly test your resolve and patience. I have to look at the small positives that are happening and not put so much thought into what's not happening at this point. Like I said her admitting that she wanted to call me the other night is something that I thought would never happen so soon. I just feel I screwed it up the next day by pressing her on wanting to see her and telling her that I was missing her. Just time to start again with backing off and trying to give her the time that she needs. I know deep down she loves me and does want this to work out I think.
It's a struggle to learn so much about depression and how much it affects you sexually and in other ways and not be able to let her know. I guess I have to trust that she either cares to eventually want to know those things or not. I don't want to send her another long email on what I've learned. I think that would just be another let down for me maybe not getting a response.
I haven't spoken or contacted her since Sunday and I'm probably waiting until tomorrow or Friday to contact her. I might even just wait for her to contact me and see if she just doesn't want to contact me at this point.
I'm trying to step away and focus on other things going on in my life and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. It becomes more difficult over time when I don't hear from her for a while.
One thing I wanted to get out is that I'm going through a lot with processing my mother's death this week. I'm working with a friend that is going through his mother's death this week. They are taking her off the ventilator tomorrow and she will pass shortly there after. I'm also putting a memento into my mother's space in the mausoleum. This is something that I feel will help me move on with my mother's death. I've held onto that since she passed. These are all things that I would love to share with W, but I understand that she's not ready yet.
So sorry to hear about your mothers passing. Be strong during these times and remember that she is in Gods hands and in a better place. As for your wife, give her space to think and sort things out. She cannot miss you if you are contacting her!
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"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
Sirch, you are seriously spot on with your advice to me. You have been a solid sounding board for me each and every time. Thank you for your kind thoughts and words. I'm going to give her the time that she needs to process some of these thoughts that she has. You're very right about her not being able to miss me if I try and contact her.
No problem sinatra, I have been where you are at right now! While you are giving her space start on yourself, read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Go to the gym and start working out. You need to work on the mental and physical you.
__________________
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
I'm going through the same thing you are sinatra. My husband moved out almost 2 months ago. he also signed a yr lease, but said it was only because he would lose the apartment if he didn't, and it's a really nice apartment for the price he's paying. we don't communicate much. usually when we do talk, it's either fighting or it's about our daughter. the only times i see him are when i pick my duaghter up at his place or he comes by to see her ( i will NEVER not let him see her. that's just cruel.). and once in a while i'll text or call him, like yesterday i texted him w/ a question about a program he installed for my that i needed for school. at first he just sent a message back, but then he called. then yesterday he was also sick, so we arranged that he wouldn't take our daughter for the night and he would have her an extra day next week. I sent him a text last night asking if he felt better and he replied yes he was able to sleep for a while and felt better. then he thanked me. either for asking him how he felt or taking our daughter for the night so he can rest, i don't know which 1 the thanks was for. i didn't ask. he also sends me mixed signals (look at my other posts, i don't want to hijack your thread anymore than i already did).
i just need to give him time and space, which i have been. we have our good days and our bad days, you will too. give her her space and see how it works. believe me i do know how much it's driving you crazy. hopefully it will work out
She sent me an email today and said that she has thought about it and would like to move on with the divorce. This is one of the saddest days of my life. Plus she did it in an email!!! She has so much guilt that she can't even face me or hear my voice. I'm pissed and moving forward at this point. It's going to be so hard to do but u have no choice anymore. At least I know what happens next and not in limbo land anymore.
Sorry to hear that sinatra, but life happens right? Ok now listen, do not let her know you are pissed, hurt, depressed or whatever! Do nothing but move forward with your life. Your still going to be in limbo because I think she is bluffing ya. Telling you she loves you one day and saying she wants a divorce the next just shows she is confused. Keep your head up my friend, and keep us posted.
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"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
Separated for a month and still in limbo land
