She wanted to talk later. I just left her a message that I can't. I have unsubscribed from her news feeds on FB as well as did a temporary delete of our photos on my phone right now. Too hard to look at.
I was starting to clean our apartment today, and found a lot of her stuff around. Hard to look at. It's almost shameful how there's nothing of mine at her parents house except a pair of socks that got mixed in with her wash.
I remember something her best friend told me. "When's the last time you did something nice for her?!" Probably when we went out for the weekend for our anniversary and all she did was cry and go into mass panic every chance she had. Or the flowers I brought because she was having a bad day. And lots of other things that seemingly don't matter when you have a friend that only tells you one side of things.
She sound like she has Aspergers, a form of Autisim. These people find it hard to cope with change, new jobs with new people in particular & they can seem very wrapped up in themselves, in all honesty, they have little comprehension of the feelings of others. Look it up & see if you think the behaviour is the same & then maybe try talking to her parents.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Right now, your emotions are high. Let the dust settle a bit. She sounds like she is going through some kind of emotional breakdown. Have you talked to her parents? Does she have a counselor to help her with depression and anxiety?
I know you're hurting, but if you're sure this isn't an affair, just give her a few days and yourself a few days and then try to talk about what is going on with no pressure about how to resolve it, just to understand. Getting her to feel safe enough to talk to you won't be easy. And you need some support too. Do you have good friends you can rely on? Do you have any idea what triggered her freak out?
I have a pretty good idea of what it was. She spent the weekend before she left me in Toronto, staying with her brother and his girlfriend. She and his girlfriend have bonded quite a bit, and I think she has seen with an unrealistic outlook what is out there, but what she's forgetting is that this person that she's idolizing has lived in the city for her entire professional life and is going places while my wife is going into her 3rd year of school and feels her life should be elsewhere. It's almost like a fantasy of sorts that while lofty and healthy to have a goal, that goal is unattainable straight out of the gates, and I don't think she will ever realize this without some help.
And no, she does not currently have a counselor for her depression and anxiety, she went to CBT(Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to find the causes and how to cope with it, but that's as far as it went. She doesn't cope well with it and hasn't.
The counselor she is seeing is a Seperation counselor, so all she's really going for is some help to deal with her own choice instead of what the underlying cause is, as far as I can tell. It all depends on which direction that goes in, but if all she's looking for is a way to validate it, I can safely assume it's probably shot.
Soory i really don't care what your wife has, what i do care about is how so long ago you gave your self up for her. You stopped focusing on your self and more on her.
Well brother its just like the oxygen mask on the air plane, you have to put it on you 1st then the child next to you.
My point is as soon as you gave a part of your self up and you continue to loss your self you lost the part of you that she may have fallen in love with so many years ago.
You continue to be this bete male who will doing anything for some one who doesn't appreciate it. You continue to let her control the marriage even though you know its wrong she does not seek the help that she needs.
Alph up and tell your chick to pound sand. I get it ...you love her, but you love her the wrong way IMHO. You continue to bent the her "illness" but never take a stand to leave her if she doesn't get help. And now that she has left you you still bend to her whim.
You will look alot more attractive by showing confidence and an ago that shows her you are moving on and until she taks the steps to fix her depression or what ever the hell you want to label her behaviors then you do not want her back.
Right now the only perception she has of you is that you will always be around when *she* is ready. I bet once you change her perception and she starts to think twice in what she is about to loss for good you will see her start to chase you. With that then you have the power to tell her to get right before your recommit to her.
Probably her first breakdown, 4 years ago, when I started bottling up my emotions because she was so set off by every little thing. I'd say that was the absolute worst mistake of my life.
Probably her first breakdown, 4 years ago, when I started bottling up my emotions because she was so set off by every little thing. I'd say that was the absolute worst mistake of my life.
In his book, "Awareness" - Anthony DeMello points out there are 3 ways of giving pleasure.
1) Give pleasure to yourself (no catcalls, but I'm sure masturbation is included). It also involves purchases of things YOU want. It involves engaging in activities YOU enjoy - without regard for others.
2) Giving pleasure to others (that gives pleasure to you). BY DEFINITION... this is giving where you expect NOTHING. Someone else benefits and you have no earthly regrets if they don't even say thank you. This is healthy. You please others because you want to with NO EXPECTATIONS.
3) Giving pleasure to others when you feel BAD about yourself. Many of us in this forum have agreed to so many of these things, where we sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice, with the idea that someone will appreciate us. Guess what? We have no control over their response. And, many of us start to build resentments when NOTHING comes back in return. We feel unappreciated and angry. And, yet, we've done it to ourselves.
I'm willing to wager you have engaged in a series of #3's with your wife and you simply cannot believe she doesn't see it.
Alright, after my second night in a row of decent sleep, I've finally come to a decision.
Her pictures have been deleted from my phone. Pictures of us have been put away. Clearly, between the advice here and the advice of my close friends and family, the only way I'm going to make a good change for myself is to have a laser focus on myself.
She mentioned that she wanted the visit our cats as much as possible. I'm on the fence of whether I want to allow that or not, with a bias towards "not". She's the one who walked out, she needs to deal with her consequences. She has already put one pet through a fair amount of distress, I'm not watching that cycle repeat.
Alright, after my second night in a row of decent sleep, I've finally come to a decision.
Her pictures have been deleted from my phone. Pictures of us have been put away. Clearly, between the advice here and the advice of my close friends and family, the only way I'm going to make a good change for myself is to have a laser focus on myself.
She mentioned that she wanted the visit our cats as much as possible. I'm on the fence of whether I want to allow that or not, with a bias towards "not". She's the one who walked out, she needs to deal with her consequences. She has already put one pet through a fair amount of distress, I'm not watching that cycle repeat.
All contact is now broken. 100%.
Here we go...
Good man.
WHEN (not if) she contacts you with requests, you simply say... calmly and without emotion... "I'm not ok with that"
Practice it - seriously.
Think of it as skydiving training. Nobody "really" thinks they can jump from an airplane and pull the cord, but you mentally go through it time and again, and "voila", when the moment comes, you have the goods.
"I'm not ok with you visiting the cats"
"I'm not ok with sending you money"
"I'm not ok with the way you treat me"
This is how you communicate emotionally. Look, you're not trying to "convince" her of anything. Once you go down that road, you're dead. Because when we try to convince, we end up "owning" their lack of agreement.
Yeah. We have a timeframe figured out to where she can visit the cats but for now, that's it. I told her she needs to get in gear with getting her stuff out of here.
Landlord knows the situation, new lease next month.
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Re: Wife just left me. 
